The chaos in the universe always increases.

How come there were only 10,000 Mexicans at the Alamo?

They only had 2 cars.

What do you call 3 blondes under a Christmas tree?

Ho-Ho-Ho!

Buried in the Dead Sea Scrolls are some accounts of the Apostles during the Ministry of Jesus. There is, for instance, the story of Judas Iscariot, the disciple who later betrayed Jesus, which betrayal led to His Crucifixion.

It is written there that one day, before undertaking a journey across the desert of Samaria, Jesus summoned His Apostles and asked each of them to bring a stone. Informed before hand of their destination, Judas picked up a small stone so as not to tax him with weight for the journey. As the day wore on and the sun beat upon their heads, Judas smiled, for among all of them, he carried the smallest stone and therefore the least burden.

As darkness fell, Jesus told His disciples to pitch tent and to rest for the evening. He gathered them together and asked them to bring forth their stones. Wherefore, He blessed the stones and turned them into bread to overcome their hunger. Judas, of course, had the smallest bread!

On the occassion, while strolling on the shores of Lake Galilee, Jesus again asked His disciples to each pick up a stone. Smarting from the desert fiasco, Judas decided to carry with him the biggest stone.

Upon reaching the edge of an inlet where deep waters abound, Jesus gathered His Apostles and said to them: Cast your stones upon the water. The ones who throw them the farthest are nearest Me.

Judas, of course, had the heaviest stone which negotiated the shortest distance!

Once again, Jesus told His disciples to gather two stones and to proceed to the hillside at Ephrem. This time, Judas did not take any risks. He brought with him two stones: one small and one large. He was ready for any eventuality. Arriving at the appointed place, the Master asked them to produce the stones. Except for Judas, all carried of approximately equal weight.

Thereupon, Jesus blessed them and made them part of their organs of generation, infusing in them fertility, strength and stamina.

Judas, of course, because of the two stones of grossly unequal weight, walked from that day forward with a steep inclination to one side. And thus began the unbalancing of the man!

Chatting with a bull, a turkey sighed and said, I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I havent got the energy.

Well, why dont you nibble on some of my droppings? replied the bull. Theyre packed with nutrients.

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey from the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there!

The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who
was looking for juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red,
Im sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your pegleg.

Well, I was thrown from the ship during gale force winds, and before me
mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off.

The interviewer was sort of disappointed. What about the hook at the
end of your right arm?

I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard.

Again the reporter was disappointed. Certainly theres an exciting
story about the patch on your eye?

One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and crapped in me eye.

The reporter was amazed. Thats why you wear a patch?

Well, Id only had me hook a couple of days.

• Alp:
  One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European.

• Avalanche:
  One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, First Aid, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.

• Bindings:
  Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers.

• Bones:
  There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however; the two bones of the middle ear have never been broken while skiing.

• Cross-Country Skiing:
  Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain technique. Its good exercise, doesnt require purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. See also Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.

• Cross-Country Something-or-Other:
  Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled screams of other skiers dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.

• Exercises:
  A few simple warm-ups to make sure youre prepared for the slopes:

  1. Tie a cinder block to each foot and climb a flight of stairs.
  2. Sit on the outside of a fourth-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for at least 30 minutes.
  3. Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.

• Gloves:
  Designed to be tight around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.

• Gravity:
  One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.

• Inertia:
  Tendency of a skiers body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newtons First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws:

  1. Two objects of different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital and home care bills.
  2. Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, dont expect to encounter it again in our universe.
  3. When an irresistible force meets an immovable object (see Tree)

• Prejump:
  Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled pre-fall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, may precede it with either a pre-scream and a few pre-groans or simple profanity.

• Shin:
  The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.

• Ski!:
  A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is Avalanche! (which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill).

• Skier:
  One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

• Stance:
  Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, Am I nuts or what?

• Thor:
  The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.

• Traverse:
  To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.

• Tree:
  Alternate method of either Traverse or Stopping.

Heres the first installment of politically correct TV shows coming up in the fall TV season, complete with ratings supplied by Big Brother (offensive to the politically correct):

Sunday night:

Mystery, She Wrote:
Cabot Cove is engulfed by a wave of anonymous charitable gifts. The mayor asks Jessica to investigate so the donors can be honored in a public ceremony. Ratings: S/MU, ALG.
[See ratings at the end of this listing.]

The Sunday Night Movie: Blowing Up in Beverly Hills:
A made-for-TV movie based on an actual event. After two troubled siblings (real-life brothers Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen) contemplate murdering their wealthy but insensitive parents, they decide instead to go to court. While attending mandatory therapy, the family explores and heals deep-seated conflicts. Inspired by the trial of Lyle and Erik Menendez. Dr. Goodfellow: Alan Alda. First of two parts. Ratings: S/MU, VATCOT, RPSE.

Married… Happily with Children:
After Jefferson and Marcys house is repossessed by a greedy banker, Al contacts Habitat for Humanity. Special appearance by Jimmy and Rosalyn Carter. Ratings: S/MU, ISS.

Ratings key:

S/MU: spiritual or moral uplift
ISS: implied safe sex
WW: win-win solution to intractable social disease or problem
ALG: ameliorated liberal guilt
VATCOT: violence avoided through court-ordered therapy
PCMM: potentially contradictory moral message
RPSE: reinforcement of positive self-esteem.

From the April 1994 issue of *Reason* magazine.

Copyright 1994 by the Reason Foundation, 3415 S.Sepulveda Blvd., Suite 400, Los Angeles,CA 90034.

Princess Diana and Dolly Parton had both died on the same night. When they reached the gates of Heaven they were greeted by St. Peter.

St. Peter said Excuse me ladies, but before I let you in… I must know what you were doing when you died… you see Heaven has become AWFULLY crowded…its our new policy! He smiled.

Well…if you must know…I was standing in front of the mirror examining my boobs… Dolly Parton said.

And I was going to the bathroom! Princess Diana said.

You may enter into Heaven… St. Peter held the gate open for Princess Diana to pass through.

WAIT A MINUTE! How come she gets to go and not me?! Dolly Parton asked.

Why…dont you know…a royal flush beats 2 of a kind! St. Peter exclaimed.

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, Ya know, since summer started Ive been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. Ive tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away. Another said, Yea, me too. Ive got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. Ive even had the place fumigated, and they wont go away. The third said, I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church… Havent seen one back since!