A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.

Well, sir, were from Texas, and were used to the heat, says one. This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. Ill check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS. He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.

The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans camp site, and sure enough they are showing some signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 Gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has even rolled up his sleeves. Well, sir, explains a Texan, when you have been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this aint hardly nothing. The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red.

Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let s see what happens when I turn OFF the heat, he says as he heads to the thermostat. Ill check on them tomorrow.

So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans campsite, and they are all whoopin and hollerin and drinkin the beers from the ice chest in the back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans are partyin like there is no tomorrow.

I dont get it, the Devil says, completely defeated. I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But why are you celebrating?

A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies, Look around! Hell is frozen over. Thats just gotta mean there is another Bush in the White House.

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one
week, and found the boss waiting for him.

Whats the story this time, Jones? the boss asked sarcastically.
Let me hear a good excuse for a change.

Jones sighed, Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. My wife
decided to drive me to the station. I told her I was in a hurry, but
she got ready in ten minutes just to take me. When we were on our way,
the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the
river – look, my suits still damp – ran out to the airport, got a
ride on Mr. Thompsons helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music
Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.

Youll have to do better than that, Jones, said the boss, obviously
disappointed. No woman can get ready in ten minutes.

I have a bad headache. Ill visit the doctor.

Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why dont you try it?

Good idea, call up your wife and tell her Ill be right over.

A man comes home after a heavy nights drinking. His wife wont open
the door for him, so he starts hammering on it. She still wont let
him in, so he starts shouting. The neighbours are starting to notice,
so in an attempt to embarrass her, he starts singing at the top of his
voice:

I had her before she was married, I had her before she was married!

The top window immediately flies open, and his wife responds with equal
gusto:

And so did all of your mates!

Dave Horsfall (VK2KFU)
North Sydney AUSTRALIA

A stoner is walking down a street one night after he just got done blazing up a spliff. As hes walking, he spots this old guy in a ditch who looks like he got the crap kicked out of him. All bloody and mangled, the dude calls the stoner over to him and says, Call me an ambulance. The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says Okay dude,youre an ambulance.

If God had wanted people to be gay… he wouldve made Adam & Steve instead of Adam & Eve.

Harry Goldberg has been elected the next president of the United States–the first Jewish boy to reach the Whitehouse.

He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the inauguration. Harry: Momma, guess what! Ive just been elected president, wont you come to my inauguration?

Mother: Harry! You know I hate trains. I cant face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time.

Harry: Momma! You will take no train. Air Force One will collect you. The journey will be over in 30 minutes. Come to my inauguration, please.

Mother: Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher food! Nahh, maybe next time.

Harry: Momma!! You will stay in the White House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come.

Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear!

Harry: I have someone on his way to take you to Macys and Bloomingdales to make you look perfect. You must come!!!


Mother: Okay, okay, I suppose I will come.

Inaugaration day comes. Mother is on the front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to become the next president. Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and says, Hey, you see that boy Harry? His brother is a very successful doctor!

Rednecks Ode to a Valentine

Kudzu is green. My Dogs name is Blue. And Im so danged lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk, A-flappin in the breeze. Softer than Blues And without all them fleas. You move like the bass which excite me in May. You aint got no scales But I luv you anyway. Yore as graceful as okry jist a-dancin in the pan. Yore as fragrant as Mountain Dew Right out of the can. You have all yore teeth For which I am proud. I hold my head high When wes in a crowd. On special occasions, When you shave yore armpits, Well Im in hawg heaven. Im plumb out of my wits. And speakin of wits, You got plenty fer shore. Cuz you are my woman. I cant ask fer more. Like a good roll of Duct Tape Yore there for yore man To patch up lifes toubles And stick em in the can. Yore as strong as a four-wheeler Racin through the mud. Yet fragile as that singer Named Naomi Judd. Yore as cute as a Junebug A-buzzin overhead. You aint mean like no far ant On which I oft treat. Cut from the best pattern Like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life Like my Rattletrap Shad. (A fishing lure.) When you hold me real tight Like a padded gunrack, My life is complete. There aint nothin I lack. Yore complexions perfection Like the best vinly sidin, Despite all the years, Yore age, it keeps hidin. And when you get old Like a 57 Chevy, I wont put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy. Me n yous like a Moon Pie with a cold RC drank. We go together Like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate For Valentines Day. They git it at Wal-Mart. Its romatic that way. Some men, they git roses On that special day From a coller at Food World. Thats impressive, I say. Some men buy fine diamonds From a flea market booth. A diamonds forever, They explain, suave and couth. But for this feller, honey, These will not do. For you are too special, You old sweet thang, you. I got you a gift without taste nor odor. Better than diamonds, its a new trollin motor.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lenny!
Lenny who?
Lenny in, Im hungry!

After agonizing for several days over the situation in former Yugoslavia where ethnic Serbs, Bosnians, and Muslims are engaged in a fierce and bloody civil war, President Clinton today announced that he is strongly in favor of diversity.