I bought some batteries but they were not included,
so I had to buy them again.

Youre so fat that when you went to McDonalds the whole place fell down

Q. How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. Real Men arent afraid of the dark.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfelds Suggested Military Cost-Cutting Measures

All major ground wars will be fought entirely by Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg.
Combine Army and Navy into cost-effective super-force called the Narvmy.
Live out the new national advertising slogan: Army of None. [TV spot will depict a driverless tank, meandering across battlefield, firing at random.]
In a compromise with bumper-sticker liberals, the nations teachers will be forced to donate the proceeds of their bake-sales to the Army, which will then use the money to buy bombers.
Cadets crisp five-finger salute to superior officers scaled down to three fingers and a look of sincere, filial respect.
After battles, soldiers collect used bullets for recycling.
Inter-Continental missiles no longer ballistic, just slightly peeved.

by Nicholas Danforth Copyright 2001 Modern Humorist, Inc.

Boy, it really galls my threads when these ignoramuses go off about how the Corvette crowd is over-restoring cars! I say, restored means *exactly* as the factory did it, no matter what. I spent 95 weeks last year doing an accurate and complete ground-up restoration on my 67. And, let me tell you, some of those rubber and glass pieces are *really* hard to restore after grinding them up! Thankfully, the metal pieces are easy to remelt and form.

For some folks, simply applying a bit of overspray while painting is good enough. I scoff at this. I meticulously copied onto the mufflers, droplet by droplet, the exact overspray pattern that was there originally. Even the runs and sags at the bottom of the door panels were duplicated. Your average restorer will just slap some new paint on, calling it original if it is the same color. Jeeez. I chemically removed every vestige of *the original paint*, then broke it down, reformulated it, and re-applied it. Sure, I had to use substitute volatile carrier (thinner), but since it evaporates anyway, I claim that it was not originally on the car when it left the factory gates.

Some folks think using the correct fasteners is good enough. Ha! I made sure to cross-thread the left rear upper transmission crossmember bolt, just as the (sometimes inebriated) factory worker was known to. I removed the third from the right lower grille attachment screw, which a previous owner had erroneously installed, in spite of the well-documented fact that none of these were installed at the factory until after 3:43 pm on October 17th, 1966. I made sure to scratch the frame in the appropriate places, just as the handling mechanisms at the factory did. Some previous owner had removed the scratches, in an effort to make the car perfect. What was he thinking? I even installed the #3 cylinders exhaust lifter upside down, which was a rare (1 of 3 such built), but documented occurrence. Sure, it runs like hell, but hey, its _original_!

Some folks get a new set of tires that LOOK like the originals, and call that good enough. Not me. I got THE ORIGINAL tires out of a landfill, ground them up, and restored them. I was able to find about 91.7% of the rubber which had worn off, by vacuuming the roadside dust over the roads the car had travelled, and separating out the correct molecules from the other debris with a double diathermic isopropa diaphanometer molecular identifier. NOT cheap, le me tell you. But, correct is correct. Some folks put on new valve stems and caps, and away they go. We purists know that it IS important to align the seam line on the valve cap to the correct angle, just as it left the factory (indexed valve caps).

Changing the oil is considered routine by some restorers. They throw out the old, slap in some new, maybe even improved oil, and a new filter. Not a real purist. I have the original oil broken down and re-refined. The old additives are removed, restructured, and re-added. I even recover as many molecules of the burned or dripped oil as possible, and add them back in. Of course, the filter must be dismantled, which ruins the case, so it has to be remelted and reformed into a filter. Re-using the original paint, of course.

Some bozos throw in a Sears Die-Hard, and off they go. Some so-called restorers buy a reproduction tar-top battery, and call THAT good enough (*scoff*). I found my original battery and remanufactured it. No wimpy replacing the innards with new, either. I melted down the original plates, then recast them in the correct factory molds. Saving the original electrolyte, of course. Now, you might think, gee, that seems pretty far-fetched, this guy is extreme. Well, you aint seen nothing yet. I also was able to procure the original electrons which had come with the car, and reinstall them. It seems that over the years, the car had given and recieved a few jump starts, and some of the original electrons had thus transferred to other vehicles, and some from other cars had contaminated my car. Thankfully, there is an electron sorting and ID accessory for the molecular identifier, which allowed me to correct this blatant slap to _true_ originality.

One thing holds me back from being 100% correct. Some fool of a previous owner had changed the tires, and did not retain the original air. I know, hard to believe, but it happened- some folks just dont get it. Now, I have located about 24.6% of the original air molecules with the double diathermic isopropa diaphanometer, but many of them have been sucked into other engines, combusted, and turned into CO, CO2, NOx, etc. If anyone is aware of a device to spot the correct air molecules after they have been broken up and combined in other chemicals, please let me know. I guess I COULD settle for some air molecules from the Bowling Green tire-mounting area vicinity, captured about 9:47 am on September 5th, 1966. Ah, well, its only a few points off at showtime…

As soon as Im done, and win a few trophies, I plan to sell it. I have invested $45,000 in parts, and $45,000,000 in labor, and expect to sell it for about $37,000. If any one wants to buy it, please hurry, it wont last long.

WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout whiplash, ambulance, or free Perrier for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only)3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
7. Cut-throat 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7

Finally theres a logical explanation to the confusion and complexity of the game. You might just enjoy these:

Tour Through The Absolute Laws of Golf

The 1st Tee: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and, eventually, a lifetime.

The 2nd Dogleg: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

The 3rd Hole: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

The 4th Fairway: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should immediately be cut down.

More on the Laws of Golf…

The 5th Hole: The higher a golfers handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instuctor.

The 6th Rough: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

The 7th Fairway: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

The 8th Tee: Palm trees eat golf balls.

The 9th Sand Bunker: Sand is alive. If it isnt, how do you explain the way it works against you?

The Back Nine of the Laws of Golf…

The 10th Green: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

The 11th Water Hazard: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.

The 12th Tee: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

The 13th Fairway: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see 3rd Hole)

The 14th Sand Bunker: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

The Final Leg of the Tour…

The 15th Green: Nice lag can usually be translated to lousy putt. Similarly, tough break can usually be translated way to miss an easy one, sucker.

The 16th Tee: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

The 17th Fairway: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

The 18th Bunker: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

And Finally…

The 19th Hole: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

You might be a redneck if…
Your family tree does not fork.

I was maried 3 times explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner , and Ill never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wive died of a fractured skull.

Thats a shame. siad his friend , How did it happen?

She wouldnt eat the mushrooms.

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.