Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: Well document it in the manual.

Big Daddys Rap – The Lords Prayer

Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs, – Our Father, who art in heaven

You be chillin – Hallowed be thy name
So be yo hood – Thy Kingdom come

You be sayin it, I be doin it – Thy will be done

In this here hood and yos – On earth as it is in heaven

Gimme some eats – Give us this day our daily bread

And cut me some slack, Blood – And forgive us our trespasses

Sos I be doin it to dem dat diss me – As we forgive those who trespass against us

Dont be pushing me into no jive – And lead us not into temptation

and keep dem Crips away – But deliver us from evil

Cause you always be da Man – For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever.

aiight

During a traffic stop a police officer is swatting at a fly that is circling around his head, and blurts out what kind of damn fly is that anyhow. The traffic offender replies, thats a circle fly. The officer replies that hes never heard of a circle fly. The offender replies circle flies are usually found circling around a horses ass. Enraged, the police officer says, are you calling me a horses ass?, to which the traffic offender replied, no sir, but you cant fool a circle fly.

The angry preacher…

The preacher rose with a red face. Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!

No one moved.

The preacher continued, Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.


I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.


I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman Give me six double vodkas.



The barman says Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day.



Yes, Ive just found out my older brother is gay.



The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, Ive just found out that my younger brother is gay too!



On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.



The bartender says Geez! Doesnt anybody in your family like women?.



Yeah, my wife…

Is awarded to:





Bobby





In recognition of your obnoxious attitude, ability to piss people off, complete



asinine juvenile behavior and total dedication to personal gain without regard



to the many hardships you have forced upon friends, family and other during your



lifetime, you have become a legend in your own mind.



To recognize your upgrade from half-assed to complete asshole, gives all



concerned great satisfaction. If anyone, for any reason, doubts your status,



JUST BE YOURSELF!

If God had intended for us to run around naked,
he would have made our skin fit better.

-Maureen Murphy

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, Maam, before you do that again, you need to move your cat.

Yes, said Sam, I saw him plainly take the goods.

The lawyer asked Sam again, Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?

Yes said Sam, I saw him do it.

Then the lawyer said, Sam, listen, you are 80 years oldand your eyesight is probably pretty bad. Just how far can you see at night?

Sam quickly replied, I can see the moon, how far is that?