Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: Well document it in the manual.

Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasnt touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him. Hey pal, is something wrong?

Yeah,… Im really depressed

Why, whats the matter?

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend

Wow, thats horrible. What did you do?

I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing its over

Thats pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?

I sat him down… tied him up… looked him straight in the eye… and said… Bad Dog! Bad Dog!

Big Daddys Rap – The Lords Prayer

Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs, – Our Father, who art in heaven

You be chillin – Hallowed be thy name
So be yo hood – Thy Kingdom come

You be sayin it, I be doin it – Thy will be done

In this here hood and yos – On earth as it is in heaven

Gimme some eats – Give us this day our daily bread

And cut me some slack, Blood – And forgive us our trespasses

Sos I be doin it to dem dat diss me – As we forgive those who trespass against us

Dont be pushing me into no jive – And lead us not into temptation

and keep dem Crips away – But deliver us from evil

Cause you always be da Man – For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever.

aiight

Hilary is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor and gets a complete physical, only to find out that she is pregnant. She is furious and cant believe this has happened.

She calls the White House and gets Bill on the phone, and immediately begins to berate him, screaming:



How could you have let this happen? With all of the trouble going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!!! How could you???!!!



I just found out I am pregnant and it is your fault!!! How could you??? What have you got to say???



There is nothing but silence on the phone. She screams again: CAN YOU HEAR ME???



Bills quiet voice comes on in a barely audible whisper…Who is this???

During a traffic stop a police officer is swatting at a fly that is circling around his head, and blurts out what kind of damn fly is that anyhow. The traffic offender replies, thats a circle fly. The officer replies that hes never heard of a circle fly. The offender replies circle flies are usually found circling around a horses ass. Enraged, the police officer says, are you calling me a horses ass?, to which the traffic offender replied, no sir, but you cant fool a circle fly.

The angry preacher…

The preacher rose with a red face. Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!

No one moved.

The preacher continued, Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.


I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.


I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman Give me six double vodkas.



The barman says Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day.



Yes, Ive just found out my older brother is gay.



The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, Ive just found out that my younger brother is gay too!



On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.



The bartender says Geez! Doesnt anybody in your family like women?.



Yeah, my wife…

Is awarded to:





Bobby





In recognition of your obnoxious attitude, ability to piss people off, complete



asinine juvenile behavior and total dedication to personal gain without regard



to the many hardships you have forced upon friends, family and other during your



lifetime, you have become a legend in your own mind.



To recognize your upgrade from half-assed to complete asshole, gives all



concerned great satisfaction. If anyone, for any reason, doubts your status,



JUST BE YOURSELF!

If God had intended for us to run around naked,
he would have made our skin fit better.

-Maureen Murphy