Q: How many sales directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: (pause) I get it! This is one of those lightbulb jokes, right?

A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his fly. As he walks up to the bar the bartender says, Hey pal, you know youve got a steering wheel coming out of your fly?

And the pirate says R its driving me nuts!

One Day The President was out jogging without his guards.

All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some bushes with a gun.

The masked man said Give me all your money!

Unwilling to do so, the President said, You cant do this, Im the President! The man then replied,…


Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!

A man goes to visit the grave of his mother, puts a beautiful bouquet at the headstone and gets up, to leave when he notices another man crying his heart out, lying on one of the graves in such a way, that he breaks the other mans heart.



The sobbing goes on and on and he hears the other say:

– Oh why? Why did you have to die!? Why did you go?

And then he breaks down sobbing again, hitting his head over the headstone, still crying:

-Oh why did you die!? Why did you go so soon?



Intringued, the other guy goes to him and says:

Im so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do for you?

Who is the person you are crying over so desperately, he asks, in compassion?



Thats my wifes third husband, comes the reply, between sobs.

Im number four…..

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

171. Talk to your roommate but dont let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you.

If youre in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on
the headlights?

What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name.

One day God came down from heaven and came to the Pope. God looked at the Pope
and said, Do not be afraid, this is just a little survey I take of all the
Popes. The first question I have of you is: do you think that priests will ever
be able to get married?

The Pope answered, Ah, no, not in my life time.

God said, Okay, the next question is: do you think there should be women
priests?

The Pope answered, Ah, no, not in my life time.

God said, Okay, my last question is: do you think the Roman Catholic church
should approve birth control?

The Pope answered, Ah, no, not in my life time.

God said, Okay, thank you very much for your time.

As God turned and started to leave, the Pope said, Lord, may I ask you one
question?

God turned back to the Pope and said, Sure, you answered mine, what would you
like to know?

The Pope said, As you know, I am very patriotic, and I was wondering whether
there would ever be another Polish pope?

God answered, Ah, no, not in my life time.

When telling this story the hands should be moved as if you are talking in
sign language.

Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking
to each other with sign language.

Mute #1 (SIGN)What would you like to do?

Mute #2 (SIGN)I dont know, what about you?

Mute #1 (SIGN)Lets get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and
have some fun.

Mute #2 (SIGN)Good idea.

So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a
ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the
shoulder…..

Front Seat Mute (SIGN)What?

Back Seat Mute (SIGN)Have you got any protection?

Front Seat Mute (SIGN)No. Dont you?

Back Seat Mute (SIGN)No. We had better go to a drug store and get some.

They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out
and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN)What?

Outside Mute (SIGN)Ive got a problem.

Inside Mute (SIGN)What?

Outside Mute (SIGN)I cant make the druggist understand what I want.

Inside Mute (SIGN)I know what to do.

Outside Mute (SIGN)What?

Inside Mute (SIGN)Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put
your pecker on the counter. Hell know what you want.

Outside Mute (SIGN)Good idea.

The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later hes back at the car
window.

Inside Mute (SIGN)Well?

Outside Mute (SIGN)It didnt work.

Inside Mute (SIGN)What do you mean?

Outside Mute (SIGN) I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5
dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put
his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5
dollars.

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the
Chicken Surprise…
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron
pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.
Good grief, did you see that? she asks her husband.
He hadnt, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and
again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it
slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
and demands an explanation.
Please sir, says the waiter, what you order ??
The husband replies, Chicken SurpriseAh…so sorry, says the waiter, I bring you Peeking Duck