1) In the middle of class, run to the middle of the room screaming, Im on fire! Roll around vigorously.
2) Get up to sharpen your pencil as much as possible.
3) Ask your teacher how good their spouse was last night.
4) Talk in a strong English accent.
5) Walk into class halfway through, saying, Arent you glad I decided to come today?
6) In the middle of a lesson, jump up holding a Game Boy above your head and scream, I win!
7) Pick your nose, show it to your friends and say loudly, Mmm, never seen that shape before.
8) But I have to go reeeaaallly bad!
9) During a multiple-choice test, read the answers out loud as you go along.
10) Repeat everything the teacher says in the form of a question (Sheesh, so America won the Revolutionary War?).
11) At lunch, insist on being served caviar.
12) Hide in your locker and refuse to come out.
13) I was never told there was going to be a test.
14) Bring your pet goldfish.
15) Throw chalk at the chalkboard and insist on counting how many pieces it breaks into.
16) Laugh hysterically whenever anybody says anything.
17) Splash water on the armpit area of your shirt and walk around with your hands behind your head.
18) During a private conversation with a teacher, suddenly shout, No I will not have sex with you!
19) Point and laugh at all the fat kids.
20) Strike up a conversation with your pen.
Archive for October, 2019
A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you cant bring your dog in here.
What do you mean, says the man, this is a Jewish dog. Look.
And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.
Rover, says the man, daven!.
Woof! says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.
Woof! says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
Woof! says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
Thats fantastic, says the shammas, absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million dollars!!
You speak to him, says the man, he wants to be a dentist.
An entry in the Bad Writing Contest at San Jose State
As she fell face down into the black muck of the mud-wrestling pit, her sweaty 300-pound opponent muttering soft curses in Latin on top of her, Sister Marie thought, There is no doubt about it; the Pope has betrayed me.
October 28, 1958 – Angleo Giuseppe Roncalli was elected Pope. He took the name John XXIII.
TRADITION
Every time a new pope is elected, there are a lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well, theres one tradition that very few people know about.
Shortly after the new pope is enthroned, the chief rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the popes presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope.
The pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.
The chief rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next pope is elected. John XXIII was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the chief rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the chief rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.
My brother, the pope whispered, I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?
The chief rabbi shrugs and replies, But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history.
The pope said, Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret.
The chief rabbi agreed. Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the chief rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it.
They both gasped with shock.
It was the check for the last supper.
From: Chuckles of Choice Web Site
A couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache
and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband,
protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to
bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he
took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it
was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did
not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching
her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance
floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and a little kiss here, a little
kiss there and sometimes a little bit more. His wife sidled up to him and being
a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted
his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he
wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they
went to one of the neighbouring rooms and did something which she would only
allow her husband to do. She was quite upset afterwards because her husband
could not know that she was his wife. She slipped away and went home and put the
costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make
for his behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what
kind of a time he had.
He said, Oh, you know I never have a good time when you are not there.
Then she asked, Did you dance much?
He replied, I did not dance at all. When I got there I met Pete, Bill, John and
some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But the
chap I lent my costume told me that he had a glorious evening.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jaimie!
Jaimie who!
Jaimie a game of chess!
An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind widow, for which he charged her $100. The widow opened her purse and removed a $100 bill. When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another 100 stuck to it. Immediately the lawyers keen legal mind realized he was faced with a vital ethical question:
Should he tell his partner?
On a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper tantrum.
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly walks forward up the aisle.
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the minister leans down and whispers something into the boys ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mothers hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the stewardess takes him by the sleeve.
Excuse me, Reverend, she ways quietly, but what magic words did you use on that little boy?
The old man smiles serenely and gently says, I told him if he didnt cut that shit out, Id kick his fucking ass to the moon.
A 47-year-old man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He really likes it. He was heading toward McDonalds when he stopped and asked a man, excuse me for asking, but, what age do I look like? The man says, To me, you look 35. The guy says, Really! Im actually 47! and walks to on.
Once he gets to McDonalds, he asks the orderer the same question. The orderer says, To me, you look 29. The guy says, Really! Im actually 47! and then leaves.
At the bus stop, he asks an old lady the same question. She says, Im 87, my eye sight isnt that well. Although, I can tell your age by having my hand down your pants for 10 minutes. The guy sees no one around and says what the hell and lets her…
…after ten minutes, she takes her hand out and says, Alright, youre 47. The guy is surprised and says, WOW! How did you know? The old woman says, I was standing behind you at McDonalds.