A lady walked into a convenience store and asked the clerk for a pint of chocolate ice cream.
The clerk told the lady Miss, we are all out of chocolate ice cream.
The lady says Oh, okay. Give me a quart of chocolate ice cream.
The clerk says Miss, I just told you we are all out of chocolate ice cream.
The lady says Oh, okay. Give me a half gallon of chocolate ice cream.
The clerk had finally had it. He said Miss, can you spell the van in vanilla?
The lady looked puzzled but answered Yes, v a n.
The clerk said, Very good. Now can you spell the straw in strawberry?
The lady still looked puzzled but answered Yes, s t r a w.
The clerk said, Very good. Now can you spell the fuck in chocolate?
The lady answered, There aint no fuck in chocolate.
The clerk replied, Thats what Iv been trying to tell you!
Archive for October, 2019
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Adelia!
Adelia who?
Adelia the cards and well play snap!
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. Whats in the bags?, asked the guard.
Sand, said the cyclist.
Get them off – well take a look, said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. Say friend, you sure had us crazy, said the guard. We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I wont say a word – but what is it you were smuggling? Bicycles!
Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:
Blonde One: I cant seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde Two: Well, youd better hurry up and try harder! its starting to rain, and the top is down!
A senior woman is on a cruise ship and wanders up to the bar and asks for a
scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
Im on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and its today.
The bartender says Well, since its your birthday, Ill buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, I would
like to buy you a drink too.
The old woman says, Thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch with two
drops of water.
Coming up, says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, I would like to buy
you one too.
The old women says, Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch with
two drops of water.
Comin right up, the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says,
Maam, Im dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?
The ! old woman replies, Sonny, when youre my age, you learn how
to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.
This story is an old one, popular with zoo veterinarians (Im told).
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few
weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was
in heat. What what to do? There was no male of this species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike,
a JEDR responsible for cleaning the animals cages. Now Mike, it was
rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasnt very
bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was
approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla–
for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but
would have to think the matter over.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under three conditions: First, he said, I dont want to
have to kiss her, and Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring
that may result from this union.
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what
could be the third? Well, said Mike, Youve gotta give me another
week to come up with the five hundred bucks.
New Official Politically Correct Terms for the 90s
OLD—————NEW
conservative–reactionary
the establishment–white power elite
hearing person–temporarily aurally abled
sighted person–temporarily visually abled
blind–visually challenged
mute–vocally challenged
deaf–aurally challenged
dead–metabolically different
alive–temporarily metabolically abled
ugly–aesthetically challenged
fat–gravitationally challenged
heavy-set–people of mass
rude–politically correct
psychopath–socially misaligned
crooked–ethically challenged
klutzy–kinesthetically challenged
bald–follicularly challenged
short–differently statured
non-white, non-male oppressed–white melanin impoverished / genetically oppressive
white male–oppressor
black–african-american
asian–asian-american
afro-american–african-american
minority group–numerically challenged group; under-represented population
black–person of color
Chicano–person of color
weird green freak–person of color
female–person of gender
drooling drunk idiot–person on floor
group of blacks–Under-Represented population of persons of color
Group of Whites–L.A.P.D.
woman–womyn
women–wymin
girl–pre-womyn
man–oppressor
boy–oppressor-to-be
pregnancy–parasitic oppression
janitor–sanitation engineer
disabled car-mechanically challenged car
dish washer–utensil sanitizer
dairy–where cows are raped
ranch–where cattle are murdered
egg ranch–where hens are raped
biology department–where animals are tortured and then murdered to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white male scientist lackeys of theimperialist drug companies
fishing–raping the oceans
farming– exploiting mother earth
nhl hockey–uniformed fascists vying for superiority
paper bag– processed tree carcass
Many of the labels from the 80s are now passe. Here is a partial list of the denotations that are now acceptable (all labels are subject to change without notice).
old 80s/90s
deaf/hearing impaired/aurally challenged
blind /sight impaired/visually challenged
retarded/mentally handicapped/mentally challenged
queer/gay/homosexual/queer (strange but true)
fat/big boned/alternative body image
The young dude in the Old West wanted to be the fastest gunfighter alive.
Sitting in a saloon one night, he spotted an old graybeard who had the reputation of having been the greatest gunslinger of his day. The kid went up to the old man and told him of his dream. The ancient legend looked him up and down and said, I got a suggestion thats sure to help.
Tell me, Tell me! said the young dude.
Tie the bottom of your holster lower down on your leg.
Will that make me a better gunfighter?
You damn betcha, said the old man.
The kid did as he was told, drew his gun, and neatly shot the bow tie off the piano player. Wow, that really helped! Got any more suggestions?
Yeah – Ifn you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gunll slide out a lot smoother.
Will that make me a better gunfighter?
You damn betcha.
The dude did as he was told, then drew his gun, and lightning quick, shot a cufflink off the piano player. This is really helping me out! Is there anything else you can share with me?
One more thing, said the old timer. Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun.
The fellow didnt hesitate and immediately started smearing the grease on the gun barrel.
No, no, the whole gun, said the graybeard. Handle and everything.
Will that make me a better gunfighter?
Not likely, boy. But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that bar piano, hes gonna shove that gun up your ass and this way it wont hurt so much.
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME:
Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffy-lube, stroke, console, bark, purr,hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, ululate, trust, dip, twirl, dive, grovel, ignore, defend, milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail, super collide, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, Reddi-Whip, embrace, delouse, accept, butter up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while shes puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, Krazy Glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spot-weld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, dont care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship … and then go back, Jack, and do it all over again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME:
Blow job.