Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to get murdered under the burnt-out bulb and the other to replace it after the ensuing publicity.
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddams chair.
They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.
Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, hes finally had enough, knowing that he cant do much without them functioning well. Im going back home! he tells the Iraqi. Well finish these talks in two weeks!
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clintons chair and prepares himself for the Yanks revenge.
They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
Forget this, says Saddam. Im going back to Baghdad!
Clinton says through tears of laughter, What Baghdad?
A married man left work early on a Friday. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the entire weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, How would you like it if you didnt see me for a couple of days?
That would suit me just fine he replied.
Monday went by, and the man didnt see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went, with the same result. Come Thursday, the swelling had gone down a bit and he could see her, just a little, out of the corner of his left eye.
Veamos como se afectan los mensajes mientras bajan por la lÃnea de autoridad.
Del director general al gerente:
El viernes próximo, alrededor de las 5 de la tarde, aparecerá el cometa Halley en esta zona. Se trata de un evento que ocurre cada 76 años. Por favor, reúna a todos los trabajadores en el patio de la fabrica, con cascos de seguridad, que allà les explicaré el fenómeno. Si estuviera lloviendo no podremos ver este raro espectáculo a ojo descubierto. En tal caso, todos deberán dirigirse al comedor donde se exhibirá un documental sobre dicho cometa.
Del gerente al director de recursos humanos:
Por orden del Director General, el viernes a las 5 de la tarde aparecerá sobre la fabrica, si llueve, el cometa Halley. Reúna a todo el personal con cascos de seguridad y llévelos al comedor, donde tendrá lugar un raro fenómeno que sucede cada 76 años a ojo desnudo.
Del director de recursos humanos al gerente de personal:
A solicitud del Director General, el cientÃfico Halley, de 76 años de edad, aparecerá desnudo en el comedor de la fábrica el próximo viernes a las 5 de la tarde usando un casco de seguridad; pues será presentado un documental sobre el problema de la lluvia y el Director hará una demostración en el patio de la empresa.
Del gerente de personal al jefe de turno:
El viernes a las 5 de la tarde, el Director aparecerá en el comedor, por primera vez en 76 años, para presentar el documental Halley, desnudo, junto al famoso cientÃfico y su equipo. Todos deben presentarse con casco de seguridad porque el documental tratará sobre protección en condiciones de lluvia.
Del jefe de turno al jefe de brigadas:
Todos, sin excepción, deben presentarse desnudos con los agentes de seguridad de la fabrica, en el patio de la misma, este viernes a las 5 de la tarde. El Director vendrá acompañado de Halley, un artista muy famoso, y su grupo, que mostrarán el documental Bailando bajo la lluvia. En caso de que en verdad llueva, hay que irse al comedor usando cascos de seguridad. Esto ocurre cada 76 años.
Aviso en el mural:
EL VIERNES EL DIRECTOR GENERAL CUMPLE 76 AÑOS, POR LO CUAL SE DARà LA TARDE LIBRE A TODO EL MUNDO, SIN EXCEPCIÓN, PARA LA FIESTA QUE TENDRà LUGAR EN EL COMEDOR A LAS 5 DE LA TARDE CON EL GRUPO HALLEY Y SUS COMETAS. TODOS DEBEN IR DESNUDOS Y USANDO CONDONES DE SEGURIDAD, PORQUE LLOVERà Y SE VA A FORMAR UNA TREMENDA GOZADERA EN EL PATIO DE LA FÃBRICA.
Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked the first one why he should be let into heaven.
The doctor said Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work.
The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came.
He said, I havent won any prizes, but Ive started free clinics and helped those in need for free. St. Peter let him in.
The third doctor said, Im responsible for all the HMOs across the United States.
St. Peter thought about it for a minute and said, OK…
Ill let you in, but only for three days!
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cats resistance varies in proportion to a humans desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cats irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cats desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cats interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesnt Matter.
Beer Belly – A gas tank for a sex machine.
When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often.
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is Bubba.
4. Theres a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. Theres a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged. AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is…
1. The mouse is referred to as a critter.
Michaelangelo was painting the Sistine Chapel, and rather bored, when an old women came in to pray. As no-one else was around he decided to have a little fun.
Woman, this is Jesus, he said.
No response.
Woman, I am Jesus Christ! he called.
No response.
Hey, Lady…
Shut up you, Ima talka to your mama!
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