Why do men have a hole in their penis?

So oxygen can get to their brains.

[Ed: Original by Scott Turner]

These three strings go into a bar and order a martini. One string
notices a horse with a sign that says, Make me laugh, make me cry, win
$1000 on it. Meanwhile, a bell starts ringing in the clock tower overhead,
and suddenly there is a loud thud as a body falls to the street in
front of the bar. Im a Frayed Knot! screams one enraged string at
the bartender, and then disappears. Kant leaves via the back door. The
other string stands in front of the horse and pulls down his pants. It
isnt clear at this point why the horse is wearing pants.

The Inspector walks in the front door and says to no one in particular,
I cant remember his name, but his face rings a bell. Several dozen
customers instinctively stab their F keys. The remaining string gulps
down the rest of his martini and says, And at these prices, youre not
likely to see many more!

At the table in the back, the Doctor looks intently at his patient and
says, And if you dont quit jerking off, your elbows never going to get
any better! You think your thore, the patient screams back, I cant
even thit!

Theres a loud thud as another body hits the pavement in front of the
bar, and a Purdue freshman runs in the door and says, And now his brothers
a dead ringer, too!

The door to the bathroom opens and a young boy in a vaguely Medieval
costume wanders out. Do you know where some Yellow Fingers are? he
asks.

Suddenly, there is a loud crash outside and a bleeding man comes stumbling
into the bar. Was that a penguin I just ran over, or a nun with
sunglasses? he asks. I think not, says the bartender, and disappears.

A yokel gets up from a corner booth and asks the bartender (who has
mysteriously reappeared), Bartender, where is the library at? The
bartender looks askance at the hick and replies We dont serve people
from Purdue, *ASSHOLE*! and hits him over the head with a bat, killing
him instantly.

Immediately, several people scream out Im a dead ringer for my
brother!

(Fortunately, at this point the election results came in and Ferdinand
Marcos won 512 to 2.)

An Indian walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a Q-tip. Wax
problem? the solicitous bartender asks. No, buffalo come, replies
the red man.

The bartender notices a man scrawling graffiti on the wall and levels
him with both barrels of a sawed-off shotgun. The first part of the
grafitti reads:

>>>Electricians do it for the halibut.

>>I have a haddock.

>Cod, I hate this.

The bar explodes into spontaneous applause.

A prison convict stands on his chair, clears his throat and says, 57!
The room is dead silent. The silence is broken by screams from the man
trying to remove his appendix with the scalpel he found underneath his
chair. There are several examples of Universes scattered about the
floor beside him.

A disgruntled reader gets up and leaves via the front door…

I.
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Dont try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)II.
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.III.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)IV.
. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.V.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. Hell then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so dont expect toomuch.)IV.
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. Thats because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relaxenough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isnt usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better

Did you hear that the Pillsbury dough boy died?

Yup: got a yeast infection.

Dr.McCoy reported to Captain Kirk: Hes bread, Jim. It was a sad thing that but for a little dough some crusty old doctor could have performed a BATTERy of tests and maybe given him much kneaded treatment. If it worked, the poor soul would still be leaven.

Tell the widow that the deceaseds last wish was that she make love with you.
Tell the undertaker that he cant close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
Tell the widow that youre the deceasds gay lover.
Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
Walk around telling people that youve seen the will and theyre not in it.
Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
Drive behind the widows limo and keep honking your horn.
Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
Urge the widow to give the deceaseds wooden leg to someone poor who cant afford firewood.
Walk around telling people that the deceased didnt like them.
Use the deceaseds tongue to lick a stamp.
Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
Take up a collection to pay off the deceased gambling debts.
Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
Put crazy Glue on the deceaseds lips just before the widows last kiss.
Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
When no-ones looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceaseds mouth.
Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS! and pretend to faint.
At the cemetary take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
Tell everyone youre from the IRS and youre confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.
Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesnt keep a straight face while praising the deceased.

Jim (yes, I know there are thirty one…)

You might be a redneck if…
You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

You might be a redneck if…
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

Man to wife: Boy, you are getting old, look at all the wrinkles you are getting! Wife: They arent wrinkles, theyre laugh lines! Man: Nothing is that freakin funny!!

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, Pardon me, maam, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, No he didnt. He just walked in the door.

Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years?
A: Unite the Republican Party.