A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day… when she
was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped
out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home
folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by
the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning
against a post in front of the convent.

She couldnt get him off her mind and, thinking that he might be
in financial difficulties, she took the $10 bill and wrapped it
in a piece of paper, on which she had written, Dont despair,
Sister Eulalia, and threw it out of the window to him. He picked
it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped
his hat and went off down the street.

The next day she was in her cell saying her beads when she was
told that some man was at her door who insisted on seeing her.
She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for
her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When
she asked what they were for he replied, Thats the sixty bucks
you have coming. Dont Despair paid 5-1.

Each fencer shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one sword and the proper protective gear.
Play on the strip must be approved by the owner of the target.
Unlike conventional fencing, the object is to impale the target.
For most effective play, the sword should have a firm, but not sharp, blade.The owner of the target is permitted to check the blade and protective equipment before play begins.
Target owners reserve the right to restrict blade length to avoid damage to the target.
The object of the game is to lunge, recover, lunge, recover until the target owner is satisfied that enough touches have been scored. Failure to do so may result in a black card and being banned from the strip.
It is considered bad form to begin fencing immediately upon arrival at the strip.It is important to engage in certain exercise before fencing.The experienced fencer will check out the entire strip, paying close attention to any elevations present.
Fencers are cautioned not to mention other strips they have or are currently fencing on to the strip owner.Broken blades and dented guards may result from angered strip owners.
It is very important for fencers to bring the proper protective gear, just in case.
Fencers should assure themselves that their match is properly scheduled, particularly when fencing on a new strip for the first time. Previous fencers have been known to become irate if they discover someone else fencing on what they consider to be a private strip.
Fencers should not assume that all targets are eligible at all times.Some fencers may be embarrassed if they find the strip to be temporarily under repair.More advanced fencers will find alternative moves.
Fencers are advised to obtain strip owners permission before lunging for the more advanced targets.
Slow fencing is encouraged; however, fencers should be prepared to fence at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the strip owners request.
Fencers are reminded that foil and epee fencers may only use the tip of the blades, whereas sabre fencers are encouraged to use the whole length.
It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to fence on the strip several times times in one meet.
The strip owner will be the soul judge of who is the best fencer.

Fencers are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given strip. Additional assessments may be levied by the strip owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many fencers prefer to continue to fence on several different strips.

Chocolate is derived
from cocoa beans.
Beans = vegetable.
Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar beets. Both of them
are plants, in the vegetable category.
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one step further, chocolate bars also contain milk,
which contains calcium.
So, chocolate bars are a health food.
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all
count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds.
Send this to all the people you know (or ever knew), and you will lose
10 pounds.
If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.
Thats why I had to pass this on – – – I didnt want to risk it.

Have you heard there is a lot of mergers going on in the information technology industry, here are a few examples of deals in the works although they havent been formally announced yet!

Pitney Bowes may merge with Honeywell Bull to create Pit Bull: Theyll have the first postal meter that bites unauthorized users.

CheckFree Corp., Inacomp, and Beyond Mail will become Checks InaMail.

Real World Accounting and Virgin Interactive will become Real Active Virgin: Recommended by Madonna.

Dell Computer and Farmers Almanac will become Farmers in the Dell: Theyll specialize in computers that can predict crop yields and planting times.

Megahertz Corp., My Software, and Fastback will become MyBackHertz: Their specialty will be easy to use PCMCIA backup!

You might be a redneck if…
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as – Millennia Year Application Software System (MYASS).

Next Monday, there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so, currently, only, one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinates office and was not suprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week, my secretary said to me: Im a little nervous. I never put anything in MYASS before. I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, here, stick this in MYASS. It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, Here it is. I just pulled in out of MYASS.

Knock Knock Whos there?

Biggish

Biggish who?

No Thank you!

What if people bought cars like they buy computers? General Motors
doesnt have a help line for people who dont know how to drive,
because people dont buy cars like they buy computers. But imagine if
they did…

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?

Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and
nothing happened!

Helpline: Did you put the key in the ignition and
turn it?

Customer: Whats an ignition?

Helpline: Its a starter motor that draws current
from your battery and turns over the engine.

Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come
I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?

Customer: My car ran fine for a week, and now it wont go anywhere!

Helpline: Is the gas tank empty?

Customer: Huh? How do I know?

Helpline: Theres a little gauge on the front panel,
with a needle, and markings from E to F. Where is the needle
pointing?

Customer: I see an E but no F.

Helpline: You see the E and just to the right is
the F.

Customer: No, just to the right of the first E is
a V.

Helpline: A V?!?

Customer: Yeah, theres a C, an H, the first
E, then a V, followed by R, O, L …

Helpline: No, no, no sir! Thats the front of the
car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, thats the panel Im talking
about.

Customer: That steering wheel thingy– Is that the
round thing that honks the horn?

Helpline: Yes, among other things.

Customer: The needles pointing to E. What does
that mean?

Helpline: It means that you have to visit a gasoline
vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or
pay the vendor to install it for you.

Customer: What? I paid $18,000 for this car! Now you
tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that
comes with everything built in!

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?

Customer: Your cars stink!

Helpline: Whats wrong?

Customer: It crashed, thats what went wrong!

Helpline: What were you doing?

Customer: I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the
accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and
then It crashed – and now it wont even start up!

Helpline: Im sorry, sir, but its your
responsibility if you misuse the product.

Customer: Misuse it? I was just following this
manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in
D and press the accelerator pedal. Thats exactly what I did– now the
things crashed.

Helpline: Did you read the entire operators manual
before operating the car sir?

Customer: What? Of course I did! I told you I did
EVERYTHING the manual said and it didnt work!

Helpline: Didnt you attempt to slow down so you wouldnt crash?

Customer: How do you do THAT?

Helpline: You said you read the entire manual, sir.
Its on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator.

Customer: Well, I dont have all day to sit around
and read this manual you know.

Helpline: Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?

Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest
versions that goes Fast and wont crash anymore!

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help
you?

Customer: Hi! I just bought my first car, and I
chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control,
power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.

Helpline: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help
you?

Customer: How do I work it?

Helpline: Do you know how to drive?

Customer: Do I know how to what?

Helpline: Do you know how to DRIVE?

Customer: Im not a technical person! I just want to
go places in my car!

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?

A sweater with big pockets.

Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.