The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where hed dreamed
of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress
the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, Listen, sir,
its real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the
number of times we surface. Divide that number by two.
If the result doesnt come out even, dont open the hatch.
Q: What is every blondes ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: What is the mating call of the blonde?
A: Im sooo drunk!
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) I said: Im drunk!
Q: Why are there so few blonde pharmacists?
A: They have a hard time getting the pill bottles into the typewriter!
Q: Why cant blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.
Q: Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
A: Because she heard that one child out of every four born was Chinese.
Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I dont know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A2: So that when theyre on the train they can tell if theyre going to work or coming home.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because thats where youre supposed to wash vegetables.
Q: Why does a blonde only change her babys diapers every month?
A: Because it says on the box: good for up to 20 pounds.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures hell crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. So, youve been out drinking again!! What makes you say that? he asks, as he puts on an innocent face. The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.
To make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important Notice About Notices…
You may have noticed the increased number of notices for you to notice. We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On the other hand, some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It is noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the Notices because we do not want the noticed to go unnoticed.
A gay guy walks into a bar and says bartender give me a brewskie.
The bartender says, We dont serve your kind here.
The gay continues, Ill just sit in the corner and drink my beer and wont say anything.
The bartender says, Well, all right! and pours a beer.
A while later a cowboy walks in and says Bartender give me a beer! Im so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cows balls
A voice is heard from the corner. Moo! Moo! Buckaroo!
A old snake goes to see his Doctor.
Doc, I need something for my eyes…cant see well these days. The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor hes very depressed.
Doc says, Whats the problem…didnt the glasses help you?
The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered Ive been living with a water hose the past 2 years!
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says Your eyes sparkle like diamonds. I said Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck, not a-ROMANTIC duck.
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didnt do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. Boss, he said, The pill actually worked!
Thats all fine said the boss.
But where were you yesterday?
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, Are you a real cowboy?
Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences… I guess I am, replied the cowboy.
After a short while he asked her what she was.
Ive never been on a ranch so Im not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women, told the young woman.
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, Are you a real cowboy?
Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out that Im a lesbian!
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray, the priest said. No, said the minister. I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.Youre both wrong, the guru said. The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.The repairman could contain himself no longer. Hey, fellas, he interrupted, The best prayin I ever did was when I was hangin upside down from a telephone pole.