Im fat, but Im
thin inside. Has it ever struck you that theres a thin man inside every
fat man, just as they say theres a statue inside every block of stone?

~ George Orwell

A: From eating with forks.

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.

The other cow replies, Hell, I aint worried, it dont affect us ducks!

You know you drink too much coffee when…

1. Juan Valdez names his mule after you.

2. You chew on your roommates fingernails.

3. You can jump-start your car without cables.

4. You do twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize its not plugged in.

5. You cant remember your second cup.

6. You have a picture of your coffeemug on your coffee mug.

7. Starbucks has a mortgage on your house.

8. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

9. You dont sweat — you percolate.

10. You grind coffee beans in your mouth.

Yo mama so ugly, shes a tourist attraction.

Did you hear about the African missionary that gave some cannibals their first taste of religion?

You go to him for a separated shoulder, and he suggests you rub a croissant on the affected area three times a day

He tells you that your deodorant is giving you headaches and that you should take fewer showers

Insists on watching Jerry Lewis telethon tapes during open heart surgery

Prescribes butter, and plenty of it!

Fills your IV bag with Beaujolais Nouveau

Suggests radical brie implant

In the middle of your checkup, lets a German doctor bully his way into being your new primary care physician

Tells you to smoke two packs and call him in the morning

White lab coat embroidered with Pepe LePew holding caduceus symbol

Recommends surgery, you say no way, and he immediately surrenders

Skips out, leaves you to pay the check at a Vietnamese restaurant

Asks, So what I misdiagnosed you, monsieur? I work for the government and cannot ever be fired. Vive longtemps le médecine sociale!

(c) Daily Wonk Lists

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to Where do pets come from?

Adam said, Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.

And God said No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and it wagged its tail.

And Adam said,
Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.

And God said,
No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adams guardian angel came to the Lord and said,
Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.

And the Lord said, No problem. I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.

And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cats eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.

And Cat didnt give a shit one way or the other.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.

So, next Sunday he took the Monsignors advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got so nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the vodka; dont gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not beat his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late JC.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the crap out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat it for it is my body. He did not say, Eat me.

12. The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the cherry.

13. The recommended Grace before a meal is not, Rub-a-dub dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at Saint Peters, not a peter-pulling contest at Saint Taffys.

A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note attached to a customers door saying I need 45 gallons of milk. He knocked on the door and a beautiful dumb blond answered it.



Is this a mistake? the milkman asked.



No, she said, I was watching a talk show and it said that bathing in milk is a good aphrodisiac.



Really, replied the milkman. Do you want that pasteurized?



No, up to my breasts would be fine, she said.