Why do baby chicks say cheap, cheap, cheap? Because they cant say expensive, expensive, expensive!

A woman was walking down the street past a pet shop, and when she looked in the window there was a gorgeous parrot for sale with a sign that said $50.00.

She had always wanted a parrot, but had found them to be too expensive, so she rushed in and asked the proprietor, Why is this parrot so cheap?

Well, he replied, You see, that parrot was in a brothel for awhile, and learned some bad language, so nobody seems to want it.

How bad could it be?, the woman thought.
Finally, she decided to buy it anyway, as it was such a beautiful bird. She took it home in a cage and put it on the table.

The parrot looked around and said Awk! New House, New Madam!
Well, the woman thought, Thats not so bad.

Then the womans two daughters came home from school.
Awk!, the parrot said, New Madam, New Whores!

Well, that upset them a bit, but they tried to laugh it off, and decided that wasnt so bad either. Then the womans husband came home from work.

Awk! The parrot said, New Madam, New Whores, Same old faces! Hi George!

Q. What do you call a dog with no legs? A. Nothing – he cant come to you anyway

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs? A. Ground beef

Q. What do you call a group of cattle in a jacking off?
A. Beef Strohganoff

Q. What kind of bees make the best milk? A. Boo-bees!

A gorilla was walking thru a jungle when he came across a deer eating grasses in a clearing. The gorilla roared, Whos the king of the jungle?, and the deer replied, Oh, you are, Master.

The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. Again, he roared,Whos the king of the jungle?, of course, the zebra replied, You are, master.

The gorilla walked of pleased. Then he came across an elephant. Whos the king of the jungle?, he roared again, at the elephant. With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him.

The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, Ok, ok, theres no need to get mad just because you dont know the answer!

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently
put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation
went something like this:

Judge: Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?
Man: Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, Ill explain what
happened.

Judge: Proceed.
Man: I got lost in the woods. I hadnt had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish.

I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground.

Judge: The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony.

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you
didnt intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges.
But if you dont mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste
like?

Man: Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can
describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a
Spotted Owl.

If a farmer was only able to choose between buying a cow or a tractor, what should he pick. On one hand, he would look funny riding on a cow. On the other hand, he would look funnier trying to milk a tractor

Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure hes dead.

Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, Thats a nice kitty. Drop pill into its mouth.
Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cats front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
Again proceed as in #1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cats mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you wont be able to see what youre doing. Thats just as well.
Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
If youre a woman, have a good cry. If youre a man, have a good cry.
Now pull yourself together. Whos the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position #1, say sternly, Whos the boss here, anyway? Open cats mouth, take pill and … Oooops!
This isnt working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
Flatten cats front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.
Resume position #1. Rotate your left hand to cats head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
Drop pill into cats mouth and poke gently. Voila! Its done.
Vacuum up loose fur (cats). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
Take two aspirins and lie down.

Two men were riding a motorcycle on a windy winter day. When it became too windy for the passenger, he put his jacket on backwards to keep the wind from blowing it open. A few miles down the road, the motorcycle hit a tree, killing the driver instantly and stunning the passenger.

Later, when a detective visited the scene, he asked a policeman standing nearby what happened. Well, the officer replied, one of them was dead when I got here, and by the time I got the other ones head straightened around, he was dead, too.