An F-4 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of
himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the
B-52 crew was, Anything you can do, I can do better.

Not to be outdone, the
bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued
its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked,
So? What did you do?

We just shut down two engines.

Henry Cate III

Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you dont need to know, dont want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged–with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.

Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.

NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets cant even get aboard.

Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane theyre building.

CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you dont need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you dont fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you dont go anywhere. But thats okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots.
During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept
of sublimation – the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the
intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost – water vapor in the air becoming a
solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.

Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked
if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a
solid to a gas (expecting dry ice as the answer), a previously unknown
section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word
burrito.

It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude theyll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight… Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and some good head. All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says Don’t forget his coffee!

A man is drowning in the sea.Help me, Lord, he cries.



Just then, a fishing trawler comes by. Climb on board yells the skipper.



No, no, no, says the drowning man. The Lord will save me.



OK,we will be on our way, then, replies the captain.



Two minutes later a rescue helicopter landed along-side the poor chap, and the pilot threw a rope into the fierce waves. I do not need any help, cries the breathless man, The Lord will come and rescue me.



Moments later the guy drowns, and finds himself in heaven. On meeting God, the man weeps: Lord, I was waiting for you to rescue me from my watery tomb. Why did you not save me?



God replies: You daft sod. I sent you a boat and a bloody helicopter!

In the early 1930s, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

$10 for 3 minutes, replied the pilot. Thats too much, said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, Ill make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, youll have to pay $10.

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.

Maybe so, said the farmer, But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?

A. You only have to teach them to take off.

Heres another non-offensive ethnic joke to add to the collection. Gregory Peck told this one during a TV interview.

Seems a Jewish gentleman and two Arab businessmen found themselves seated three-abreast on an Air France flight to the United States.

The Jew, wishing to demonstrate he supported the new spirit of cooperation, mentioned to the Arabs that he was going to the washroom and could he get them something while he was up.

In keeping with the gracious tone of the gesture, the Arabs said yes, they would each like an orange juice.

Moments after the Jew had left, the plane began its descent and the pilot announced that they would soon be landing. One Arab noticed that the Jew had removed his shoes during the flight and that they were still right there on the floor. He nudged his friend and suggested that they spit in the shoes. And they did, one large goober in each shoe.

The Jew returned with the juice, which the Arabs drank down in a gulp.

The Arabs thanked him profusely and then suggested that he put on his shoes since the plane would soon be landing. Moments after he had slipped his feet into his shoes, he felt the slime ooze over the soles of his feet.

He sat quietly for a minute, and then he turned to his Arab neighbours, who could barely restrain their laughter, and he said in a soft, sorrowful voice: When will it all end – the hatred, the vengance, the killing, the spitting in the shoes, the pissing in the orange juice!

Men, Women, and Dogs (New Show)

All we had at time of press is that this series will star former MTV VJ Bill Bellamy. It is unclear whether he will portray a man, woman or dog.

Smallville (New Show)

Tom Welling was cast as Clark Kent based on the strength of his performance in CBSs Judging Amy. The fact that Tom possesses the powers of flight, heat vision and freeze breath had nothing to do with it.

The Young Plastic Man Chronicles (New Show)

The stretchy comic-book hero gets his own prequel show following Smallville. Young Plas grapples with the trials of adolescence and having a penis that stretches to infinite lengths.

Off Centre (New Show)

This humourous comedy deals with the lives of colourful British football centres with day jobs: one drives a lorry, the other operates a lift. In the pilot episode they go on holiday but end up in hospital.

Elimidate Deluxe (New Show)

An upgrade from the wonderful but far too buggy original Elimidate, the new deluxe edition promises a collectible tin, a polybagged, sealed CD-ROM jewelbox with a hologram cover, a cloth map of Middle Earth suitable for framing or using as a placemat, some foam peanuts and the latest version of Elimidate, now at v5.23a. Preorder yours now!

Raising Dad (New Show)

Bob Saget watches re-runs of Charmed. So really, its only raising specific parts of dad.

Reba (New Show)

Reba McEntire stars as Bette Midler in a show that chronicles the making of last seasons sitcom Bette. For those who found Midlers portrayal of herself narcissistic and/or creepy, McEntires homespun southern charm should provide the Midler character some much-needed humanity.

Maybe Its Me (New Show)

Well, I just showered, so it probably is you.

Charmed

Rose McGowan joins the cast of this show about incredibly hot women who do stuff. They wear tight pants while people try to stop them from doing stuff, and then some things happen which cause them to bend and sometimes sweat. Then they do the stuff they were going to do before and continue to wear tight pants. The occult is involved somehow. This is the best show on television.

Felicity

Now a college senior, Felicity takes a break from exploring the vagaries of love to go on a series of humiliating job interviews, sleep too much, drink warm Jim Beam at noon, wear the same stained sweatpants day in and day out, mull over law school applications and listen to her fathers warnings that shell have to get off the money train come May, missy.

7th Heaven

Hey, you wanna talk about 7th heaven? Just throw me a jar of Astroglide and the cast of Charmed. Rrrowwrrrrr!

Angel

Angels are beautiful protectors. They have wings that wrap around your heart and flowing gowns that shimmer when they fly. Sometimes an angel will appear as a butterfly or sunny day or warm thought. Sometimes they consume the blood of others to survive.

Popstars 2

1st Network Executive: Hey, last year we created an all-female singing group.

2nd Network Executive: You know whatd be different — a co-ed singing group!

3rd Network Executive: And you know what? We can let them write their own songs.

[Network Execs 1 and 2 rip off 3rd Network Execs mask, revealing him to be hippie commie freak.]

Nikki

A new running joke this season has Nikki constantly falling into vats of maple syrup, then shouting, Im sticky! Im Nikki! Not as hot as Charmed but getting there.

Sabrina The Teenage Witch

In a hilarious fantasy episode, Sabrina is transported back to Salem, Massachusetts in 1692, where she is hanged.

Gilmour Girls

This documentary covers a year in the life of David Gilmours groupies. Watch as they start fights with fans of Roger Waters, attempt to pick out Gilmours guitar work on assorted Paul McCartney albums, and tweeze each others eyebrows.

Richard Dawsons Creek

Fill in your own punchline. This writes itself, people.

The Steve Harvey Show

Hi! How are you? Steve Harvey sends you this file in order to have your advice.

Copyright 2001 Modern Humorist, Inc.

Once Laloo Yadav, Sonia Gandhi, a saint and a schoolboy were travelling by
a private plane. Suddenly the engine caught fire and the pilot came out shouting,
This plane is going to crash! And we have only four parachutes and there are
five of us in the plane. Since I am a very important Indian Airlines pilot I am
taking one parachute and getting out of here. Saying this he rushed to the
luggage area grabbed one parachute and jumped offthe plane.
Sonia Gandhi said, Since I am the future Prime Minister of India I am very
important and have to live! She also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
Laloo Yadav said, I am the king-maker of this country, the most honest
politician of India and above all the most intelligent person living in this country,
and the most intelligent person must live! Saying so Laloo went to the luggage
area, grabbed one and jumped off the plane.
The old saint said to the school boy, There is only one parachute left,
and there are two of us. I am an old man and dont need to live
any more. You take the last parachute and jump.The school boy said,
Dont worry! There are still two parachutes left with us!
The most intelligent person, Laloo Yadav, jumped off the plane with my school bag!