A guy sees a pretty lady at the end of the bar and is interested in buying her a drink. He tells the bartender that he will buy her another of whatever she is drinking. The bartender says OK, Ill pour it for her. But just for your information, shes a hooker. Shell do what you want for money.



The drink gets delivered and the woman makes eyes at the guy, inviting him over. After a couple of minutes of chatting, the guy gets up the nerve to ask her: The bartender says youre a hooker, is that true?



The woman says Yes. I do it for the money. In fact, Ill do anything for $200.



The guy thinks for a minute and then pulls out $200, gives it to her and says Paint my house.

A man walks into the bar and orders 2 shots of whiskey and the man drinks one and pours the other shot in his hand, the man did this 3 times before the bartender finally asks him —-why is it you drink 1 shot and pour the other in your hand.



The man replies, Im getting my girl friend drunk!

I can tell by your accent that yere Irish. Pray tell, what part o Ireland ye from?Im from Dublin the man replied.Are ye now? Well, it just so happens Im from Dublin meself. Where bouts did ye grow up?I grew up on the south side, near Malcolm Street. said the second man.Well kiss my Blarney Stone! said the first, I grew up on Malcolm Street meself. Tell me, did ye go to school around there?Aye, I went to St. Agnes.Faith and Begorrah! I went to St. Agnes meself. What yeard ye graduate?I was in the class o 67Well aint this a small world! said the first man I graduated in 1967 meselfAbout this time another man walks in and sits down at the opposite end of the bar and orders a drink. As the bartender take him his usual he says:Evening, Mike, you know its gonna be a long night when the OMalley twins get drunk.

A guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender brings it to him and asks Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps.

The guy says Well, Ive suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I took the day off work to follow her. Well, when I came home, I caught her with my best friend!

Wow, that must have been hard! the bartender says What exactly do you say to your friend in a situation like that?

The guy at the bar replies Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You havent seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. Youre not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps arent staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police dont raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You dont know what time Wendys closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

A man walks into a bar and says, Bartender, give me two shots. Bartender says, You want them both now or one at a time? The guy says, Oh, I want them both now. Ones for me and ones for this little guy here, and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks He can drink?

Oh, sure. He can drink.

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

Thats amazing says the bartender. What else can he do, can he walk?

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, Hey, Jake. Go get that. The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. Thats amazing he says, what else can he do? Does he talk?

The man says Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctors powers!

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a womans personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You wont have to approach her, if she is interested, shell send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine – (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is … this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk … and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: Hes poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: Hes hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesnt give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: Hes gay

An insect falls into a mug of beer.
English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out.
American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks tbe beer.
Chinese Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer.
Indian Man: Sells the insect to the Chinese and the beer to the Englishman and buys himself a new mug of beer.
Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of throwing the insect into his mug, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan to buy another mug of beer.

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.
Your career wont progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth… – now THATS a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor…
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. At AA meetings you begin: Hi my name is… uh… Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. The whole bar says Hi when you come in… You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men]. Every night youre beginning to find your roommates cat more and more attractive. Roseanne looks good. Dont recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. Im as sober as a judge. The shrubberys drunk from too frequent watering. You wake up screaming TORO TORO TORO! in the middle of the night.

A bartender is preparing to close the bar. He has to ask the last man to leave after staying all afternoon & evening.

The man leaves with no problem. The bartender sweeps up, puts the chairs up, turns out the lights and is just about to lock the door when someone pounds on the door.

He opens the door to find the man who he had just asked to leave standing there.

The drunk says You have to help me, I cant find my car.

The bartender asks Where did you last see it?

The drunk replies It was right here on the end of my key.

The bartender realizing that the man was in no condition to drive, told him come on back in, Ill turn on the lights and call you a cab.

When he got the man inside, he noticed that his fly was open and his pecker was hanging out.

He told the man Hey, your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out!!

The drunk looked down in astonishment and screamed OH NO! First my Car and NOW my Girlfriend!!!!