Windows – What you must shut when the temperature hits 10 below

Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the Client/Server programmers and website developers, he was finally getting some respect. Hed become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions.

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know is hed wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.

The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting I cant believe it! and Its a miracle and Hes alive!. There were cameras (unlike any hed ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldnt contain his enthusiasm. Is it over? he asked. Is the year 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jacks cryogenic receptacle, it hadnt been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. Technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet.

That sounds terrific, said Jack. But Im curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?

Well, said the spokesman. The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL.

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WERE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victorias Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT
AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Ladys Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS. BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR
NEW ARMAGEDDON DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsofts Web Site: IF YOU DIDNT EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD
SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!

From: Gary Guibor on GEnie

Files can still vote for Mayor Daley even after theyve been deleted
Marketing tie-in: new Kibbles & 32-bits dog food
New, more-realistic Microsoft Flight Simulator loses your luggage
System events accompanied by audio clip of Super Fans saying da Bearssssss…
(DELETED PENDING OUTCOME OF STACKER LAWSUIT)
Automatically taps into bank computers and gives Bill Gates the *rest* of your money
For an additional $2.95 per minute, tech support operators will talk dirty
Authentic-looking spilled coffee on desktop
In order to start Lotus 1-2-3, user must be sitting in lotus position
And the number one unpublicized feature of Chicago…
Strip solitaire

Hacker – Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.

Computer Heaven and Hell

In computer heaven the management is from Intel,

the design and construction is done by Apple,

the marketing is done by Microsoft,

IBM provides the support,

and Gateway determines the pricing.



In computer hell the management is from Apple,

Microsoft does design and construction,

IBM handles the marketing,

the support is from Gateway, and

Intel sets the price.

This comes from CNETs Digital Dispatch, also referring to eonline.

The selling of computer technology has gone far beyond ads in Byte and the occasional taxicab placard at Comdex. This year, computer companies are getting more aggressive with their marketing dollars.

The proof? These planned product placements in the upcoming summer blockbuster movies:

In Batman and Robin, Bat Signal replaced by Internet Explorer logo
In Speed 2: Cruise Control, Dibas belly-button Internet appliance worn by Sandra Bullock
The Lost World: Microsoft pays to have Jeff Goldblum eaten by T. rex while waiting for PowerBook to boot
Netscape pays Bruce Willis to discover The Fifth Element: JavaScript
Titanic: IBMs Deep Blue supercomputer predicts path of icebergs; ship changes course; and they all live happily ever after
Men in Black: Will Smith replaces CPU in alien mothership with flawed Pentium II; ship misses Earth, crashes into Venus instead
Austin Powers: uses Palm Pilot to keep track of sexual conquests
Apple puts all its summer marketing money into product placement in the guaranteed mega-smash, Free Willy 3 (targeting the wealthy 8- to 10-year-old, computer-buying demographic)
Mortal Kombat II: Annihilation: free AOL CD-ROMs used as deadly throwing stars
Air Force One: Harrison Ford launches thermonuclear attack on Seattle with brand-new Oracle Network Computer; Larry Ellison in cameo as Secretary of Defense

For the latest in summer entertainment, check out the Web site of E!: The Entertainment Network: http://www.eonline.com/

Sung To The Tune Of Winter Wonderland.

Doorbell rings, Im not listnin,
From my mouth, drool is glistnin,
Im happy — although
My boss let me go —
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
Theres beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, Yo, man!
Dont you know tonights the senior prom?
With a listless shrug, I mutter, No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!

I dont phone, dont send faxes,
Dont go out, dont pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
Im happily addicted to the Web!

Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsofts new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are:



1) GPF key–This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.



2) $$ key–When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.



3) ZD key–This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows

within the file being edited.



4) MS key–This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled Computing for Mindless Drones in a 1 x 1 window.



5) FUD key–Self explanatory.



6) Chicago key–Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.



7) IBM key–Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.

In Computer Heaven:The management is from Intel,The design and construction is done by Apple,The marketing is done by Microsoft,IBM provides the support,Gateway determines the pricing.In Computer Hell:The management is from Apple,Microsoft does design and construction,IBM handles the marketing,The support is from Gateway,Intel sets the price.