A lady walked into a convenience store and asked the clerk for a pint of chocolate ice cream.



The clerk told the lady Miss, we are all out of chocolate ice cream.





The lady says Oh, okay. Give me a quart of chocolate ice cream.





The clerk says Miss, I just told you we are all out of chocolate ice cream.





The lady says Oh, okay. Give me a half gallon of chocolate ice cream.





The clerk had finally had it. He said Miss, can you spell the van in vanilla?





The lady looked puzzled but answered Yes, v a n.





The clerk said, Very good. Now can you spell the straw in strawberry?





The lady still looked puzzled but answered Yes, s t r a w.





The clerk said, Very good. Now can you spell the fuck in chocolate?





The lady answered, There aint no fuck in chocolate.





The clerk replied, Thats what Iv been trying to tell you!

Twas the night before Christmas in my redneck house;
Junior was wringing the neck of a mouse.
My .357 sat right on my lap
Just waiting for Santa, to take all his crap.

The younguns were restless and watching in shifts
To see if hed come and Id shanghai some gifts,
When out from the yard came a godawful noise
O could it be him with a shitload of toys?

I jumped from my chair and my crotch screamed in pain
I caught my left nut on my wallets big chain
But then I unwrapped it and flew out the door
Yelling, Hold it right there, you old son of a whore!

Hands in the air and kick over that sack,
And then real slowly move 20 feet back.
He did as I told him, fat, stupid old elf;
I laughed so damn hard I near pissed on myself.

I grabbed his big bag with a hearty guffaw
Then I dragged it inside after spitting some chaw.
I heard him take off – in a second he split,
Leaving my yard heaped with fresh reindeer shit.

Back in my chair I let out such a yelp
That the wife and the kids came to offer their help,
Their eyes filled with wonder – I started to drag
A whole shitload of presents from Santas big bag.

I big can of crawdads for when I go fishin
A whopping belt buckle – a brand new transmission,
A carton of Redman, some boots and a knife,
A nice leather strap just for beating the wife.

A matched set of hubcaps, some new fuzzy dice,
A country 8-track and a Hustler, how nice!
An inflatable dollie for when the old hag
Starts her bitching and moaning and goes on the rag.

When out of the bag I had pulled every bit
I said Looks like you kids wont be getting no shit.
Here was my chance to try out my new strap
When they started their bawling and screaming and crap.

I chased them upstairs and I popped me a brew,
I sat back in my chair, filled my mouth up with chew,
With my heart full of gladness, my soul full of cheer,
I yelled up, Maybe youll get some presents next year!

I woke early one morning,



The earth lay cool and still



When suddenly a tiny bird



Perched on my window sill,



He sang a song so lovely



So carefree and so gay,



That slowly all my troubles



Began to slip away.



He sang of far off places



Of laughter and of fun,



It seemed his very trilling,



brought up the morning sun.



I stirred beneath the covers



Crept slowly out of bed,



Then gently shut the window



And crushed his fucking head.



Im not a morning person.

A man has 17 parts that dont work for him:

• Ten nails that dont nail
• Two tits that dont milk
• One bellybutton that doesnt button
• One cock that doesnt crow
• Two balls that dont roll
• One ass that wont work!

But, girls, what are we smiling about?

• We have a pussy that wont catch mice!
• Rats yes, mice no.

10 Things Not to Say to a GirlFriends Parents The First Time You Meet Them

1. My parole officer thinks Teri has a calming effect on me.

2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

3. Which one of you taught Monica to give such great head?

4. Can you believe it those shitheads at the corner market wont cash my welfare check!

5. Were going to keep our relationship quiet for now, my wife can be rather vindictive at times.

6. Those home pregnancy kits arent very reliable in my opinion.

7. Angie is so pretty Ive decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

8. Nice place youve got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didnt it?

9. There aint nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Monicas will be okay too.

10. Can I put my car in your garage? Im not sure how long that cop car will stay lost…

Two guys are sitting in a bar getting pretty loaded. Suddenly, one of them blows lunch all over himself.

Aw man, my wife is going to kill me when she sees this, he says. His buddy replies, Dont worry about it. That happened to me before. Heres what you do. Put a $20 bill in your pants pocket. When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk threw up on you and he gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning, OK?

All right, Ill try it. So he goes home and his wife immediately starts bitching about his suit. Now look what youve done to yourself!!

No, no, honey, he slurs back. Some drunk guy puked on me, but he gave me this twenty bucks to get my suit cleaned. With that he reaches into his pocket and throws the money on the table.

His wife looks at it and says, I thought that you said he only gave you one $20. How come there are two here? The man slurs back,

He shit in my pants, too.

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to Where do pets come from?

Adam said, Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.

And God said No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and it wagged its tail.

And Adam said,
Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.

And God said,
No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adams guardian angel came to the Lord and said,
Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.

And the Lord said, No problem. I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.

And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cats eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.

And Cat didnt give a shit one way or the other.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take
her eyes away from him.

The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly
toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude as
to stare, the young man whispered to her, Ill do anything,
absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for
$100, on one condition.

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The young man replied, You have to tell me what you want me to do in
just three words.

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her
purse, and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed
into the young mans hand.

She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said,
Clean my house.

Man: Havent we met before?

Woman: Yes, Im the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.

Man: So, wanna go back to my place?

Woman: Well, I dont know. Will two people fit under a rock?

Man: Id really like to get into your pants.

Woman: No thanks. Theres already one asshole in there.

Man: Want to Dance?

Woman: No, thank you.

Man: Dont thank me, thank God because somebody asked you.

Man: Id like to call you. Whats your number?

Woman: Its in the phone book.

Man: But I dont know your name.

Woman: Thats in the phone book too.

Man: So what do you do for a living?

Woman: Female impersonator.

Man: You know, Id really love to travel to exotic places with you.

Woman: (Tries to ignore him.)

Man: You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?

Woman: Hmmm…you really love sex and travel?

Man: (Nods his head smiling.)

Woman: Then go take a fuckin hike!!!

Man: (Trying to pick up this girl.)

Woman: Can you pound a railroad spike through a 2×4 with your hard-on?

Man: (Merely shudders a negative.)

Woman: Well, a girls gotta have her standards.

Man: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
(Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)

Woman: Je voudrais bien, mais je nai rien a porter.
(I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)

Man: What sign were you born under?

Woman: No Parking.

Man: (Comes up to a girl and tells her some pick-up line.)

Woman: (Grabs his crotch, looks down at it, and looks back at
him.) Sorry, I dont see any potential here
(Nonchalantly walks off.)

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized, fuck off!

Man: (Tells a pick-up line at the airport bar.)

Woman: I like your approach, now lets see your departure.

Man: (Graying man in his 60s.) Where have you been all my life?

Woman: For the first half of it, I probably wasnt born yet.

Man: (Glancing at a girl who had just walked by.)

Woman: What are you looking at?

Man: I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken.

Man: Hey, come on, were both here at this bar for the same reason!

Woman: Yeah! Lets pick up some chicks!

Man: Im here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.

Woman: (Turning and looking at him. Lips parted and moistened
with the tip of tongue. Leaning towards him with her
hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of
dinner plates.) Youve got a large donkey or Doberman?

Man: (Pick-line.)

Woman: Sorry, I dont date outside my species.

A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat. They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.



Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat. He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.



When it was the Cats turn to buy, he told them to Fuck off!



So the man went back to the bar and said Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat.



The Barman was curious about this and said I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasnt. Why is this?.



The man replied, I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish.



What did you wish for? said the Barman.



I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!