A hunter gets up early one morning and tells his wife hes going hunting and that she can either go hunting with him, let him fuck her in the ass, or give him a blow job.



He informs her that hes going out to get the dog, load up the hunting gear and will be back to get her decision.



About an hour later, he comes back into the house and asks his wife what she wants to do.



Well, she says, I aint going hunting with you, and you sure as hell aint fucking me in the ass, so I guess it will be a blow job.



Shes down there giving him the job when all of a sudden she starts coughing and spitting and says, Your dick tastes like shit!



He replies, Well, the dog didnt want to go hunting either.

A bus stops to let on an attractive lady who, without saying a word, steps aboard, puts her right thumb to her nose and wiggles her fingers at the driver.

The driver responds by putting his right thumb to his nose and his left thumb to the palm of his right hand while wiggling his eight fingers. At this, the woman looks confused and in silence grabs her boobs.

The driver, growing impatient, clutches his balls, Michael Jackson-style. The woman then turns around, grabs her ass and struts off the bus.

A regular passenger at the front of the bus says to the driver, Bob, Ive been riding your bus for quite a few years now and Ive never seen anything as vulgar as this! Im going to have to start taking a different route.

Youve got it wrong, Bob says. That woman was deaf. She asked me if this bus was headed for 5th Street and I said, No, 10th Street. Then she asked if it went to the Dairy Mart. I told her it went to the ball park. Finally she said, Shit, Im on the wrong bus, and left.

A junkyard owner went to the pound to get a dog to keep the (ethnics) from stealing all his hubcaps.

He saw a German Shepherd he liked, but the man said he had something better.

He saw a huge doberman which had to be the one, but the man said he had something better.

Then he saw a 200 pound, fat-as-shit pit bull laying in a corner cage.

The dog was a gross, drooling mess and was licking his balls.

The man said, this is about the laziest and grossest animal I have ever seen? How can he possibly solve my (ethnic) problem?

The dog owner said Sir, this dog just ate an adult (ethnic) whole!

Holy shit! Well, why is he licking his balls?

To get the taste out of his mouth.

The jumbo jet is just coming into an Airport in Toronto on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom.

This is Capt Johnson. Were on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto. He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto? Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.

Well, says the skipper, first Im gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then Im gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. Im gonna wine and dine her , take her back to my room, and shag her all night.

Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Shes so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old ladys bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, No need to run, dear, hes gotta take a shit first!

The following are possible new shows being considered for network TV.

Doggie Bowser, MD — The story of a brilliant 5 year old Springer Spaniel that
becomes a brain surgeon.

Wheel of Torture — A gameshow where the blond hostess is spun on a giant
wheel, while contestants earn prizes by hurling large sharp edged letters at
her to spell words.

Murry Brownose — The laugh-a-minute escapades of a young TV reporter who tries
his best to break into the big time by sucking up to the bosses.

Cutie and the Priest — The story of an impossible yet inspiring love-bond
between a cocktail waitress and a poetry reciting bearded clergyman.

Herald O. Revealer — An obnoxious TV personality will break into randomly
selected homes and show on live TV what shocking things people keep in their
closets.

Carlos in Charge — A weekly sitcom about a ruthless yet sensitive Columbian
drug-lord and his two daughters.

This Old Louse — A do-it-yourself show aimed at women who want to improve the
appearance and habits of their husbands.

Married, with Hemorrhoids — A light hearted look at marital life after age 40.

China Bitch — A drama series centered around the life of a dedicated, lesbian
Vietnam War nurse.

Murder, She Rewrote — A murder-mystery series about a rich, elderly woman who
cleverly solves crimes by using the same script over and over each week
changing only the names.

There were three Roosters… a straight rooster, a retarded rooster and a gay rooster.

The straight rooster says cockeldoodeldoo.

The retarded rooster says doodledoodlecock, and the gay rooster says anycockeldoo!

The Ghost Shit
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but
theres no shit in the bowl.

The Clean Shit
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but theres no
shit on the toilet paper.

The Wet Shit
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up
putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you dont ruin them
with those dreadful skid marks.

The Second Wave Shit
This shit happens when youve finished, your pants are up to your knees, and
you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

The Brain Hemorrahage Through Your Nose Shit
Also known as Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit. You have to strain so much
to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

The Corn Shit
No explanation necessary.

The Lincoln Log Shit
The kind of shit thats so enormous youre afraid to flush it down without
first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

The Nororius Drinker Shit
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its
most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl
after you flush.

The Gee, I Really Wish I Could Shit Shit
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all
you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

The Wet Cheeks Shit
Also known as the Power Dump. Thats the kind that comes out of your ass
so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

The Liquid Shit
Thats the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt,
splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically
burns your tender poop-chute.

The Mexican Food Shit
A class all its own.

The Crowd Pleaser
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show
it to someone before flushing.

The Mood Enhancer
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing
you to be your old self again.

The Ritual
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid
of a newspaper.

The Guinness Book Of Records Shit
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

The Aftershock Shit
This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within
the next seven hours is affected.

The Honeymoons Over Shit
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

The Groaner
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

The Floater
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface
after many flushings.

The Ranger
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a
rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away
with a small piece of toilet paper.

The Phantom Shit
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it
there.

The Peek-A-Boo Shit
Now you see it, now you dont. This shit is playing games with you.
Requires patience and muscle control.

The Bombshell
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
inappropriate to shit (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are
nowhere near shitting facilities.

The Snake Charmer
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening
position – usually harmless.

The Olympic Shit
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive
event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinkers
Shit.

The Back-To-Nature Shit
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods
or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

The Pebbles-From-Heaven Shit
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God
when you actually cant shit.

Premeditated Shit
Laxative induced. Doesnt count.

Shitzopherenia
Fear of shitting – can be fatal!

Energizer Vs. Duracell Shit
Also known as a Still Going shit.

The Power Dump Shit
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when youre
done.

The Liquid Plumber Shit
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over
the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.)

The Spinal Tap Shit
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, youd swear its got to be
coming out sideways.

The I Think Im Giving Birth Through My Asshole Shit
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of
the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum
for some time afterwards.

The Porridge Shit
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have
two choices: a) flush and keep going, or b) risk it piling up to your butt while
you sit there helpless.

The Im Going To Chew My Food Better Shit
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your
rectum on the way out in the morning.

The I Think Im Turning Into A Bunny Shit
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and
make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

The What The Hell Died In Here? Shit
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you dont warn
anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the
door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

The I Just Know Theres A Turd Still Dangling There Shit
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop
off because if you wipe now, its going to smear all over the place.

The Biggest, orneriest, hombre in the West stomped into a saloon bellowing, Im big, Im mean and Ive got a cock the size of Texas!

A wimpy guy standing at the bar timidly asked him his name.

Turner Brown, the giant grunted.

The wimp suddenly fainted dead away. When he revived, the big galoot
hovered
over him. What ails you boy? Alls I said was my name is Turner Brown.

Oh, _Turner Brown_! I thought you said, Turn around.

(As read in an old issue of Playboy)

Q: What do you call a dear with no eyes?

A: A No Idear

Q: What do you call a dear with no eyes or legs?

A: A still no idear

Q: What do you call a dear with no eyes, legs, or balls?

A: A still no fucking idear

[Ed: This is one of those ones that I never liked, but people keep sending
me versions of it with great regularity. I hope posting this makes them
stop. On the other hand, I still get Mouse Balls and Agnostic Dyslexics
at least once a week.]

In the beginning was the Plan

And then came the Assumptions

And the Assumptions were without form

And the Plan was completely without substance

And the Darkness was on the faces of the Employees

And they spoke unto their Supervisors saying

Its a Crock of Shit and it Stinketh!

And the Supervisors went unto their Department Heads and sayeth

Its a Pail of Dung, and none may abide the Odor thereof.

And the Department Heads went unto their Managers, and sayeth
unto them

It is a Container of Excrement, and it is very strong, such that
none may abide by it.

And the Managers went unto their Director and sayeth

It is a Vessel of Fertilizer, and none may abide its Strength.

And the Director went unto the Vice President and sayeth

It contains that which aids Plant Growth, and it is very Strong.

And the Vice President went to the Executive Vice President and
sayeth

It promoteth Growth, and it is very Powerful.

And the Executive Vice President went to the President and sayeth

This Powerful New Plan will actively promote the Growth and
Efficiency of the System.

And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was Good

And the Plan became Policy