There is an English, Irish and Scotsman on a plane flying over Europe. Suddenly
they are in the midst of a massive storm. Lightning rears its ugly head and
strikes the planes wings. The plane begins its final spiraling decent towards
the ground.

At this point the pilot leaps out wearing the only parachute. This causes the
three terrified men do go down on their knees and pray like never before.

Just then the LORD appears….

Your prayers have been answered! Since you have all been good christians
I give you one more chance at life! Jump from the plane and whatever you say
you shall become! So be it!

And with that he was gone.

The Englishman ran for the exit and leapt out….

A bird! The Englishman turned into a beautiful Eagle and soared safely
towards the ground where he became a man again.

The Scotsman leapt out ….

A….Parachute! The Scotsman floated gently to the ground where he
returned
to normal form.

The Irish man ran towards the exit and tripped and stumbled head first out of
the plane…

Shit………..

A Blonde on an Airplane

Ablonde buys a 2nd class ticket on an airplane going to Hawaii, but wants to sit in 1st class. She and a stuardess are fighting over where she sits. The stuardess says, it says right there on your ticket. 2nd class.
But I want to sit in 1st class!
You cant. Your ticket is for 2nd class.
The pilot heard all the yelling and came back and said whats going on in here? The stuardess replied this woman thinks she can sit in 2nd class. Then the pilot walks up to the blonde and whisperef something in her ear. Ohhhhh, says the blonde and moves back to 2nd class, as the pilot goes back into the cockpit.
Later, the stuardess is curious about what the pilot said. So,she goes and asks the pilot. The pilot replies I told her that 1st class wasnt going to Hawaii.

Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?

A1: They both have a black box.

A2: Both have a cockpit.

65 Things to Do on a Long Airplane Ride



1. Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it

2. Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar

3. Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, anounce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places

4.Run down the aisle screaming,Hes got a bomb! Hes got a bomb!

5. Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed

6. Fly into a rage whenever the word Gallstone is mentioned

7. Accidental soda spill on the dork next to you.

8. Go up to someone and ask loudly if they wouldnt mind applying Preporation H to your hemrrhoids

9. Tap at the windows, saying Looks pretty tough then ask somone if they have a bat you could use to test.

10. Disco dance in the aisle

11. Mess up your hair, untuck your shirt, basically look crude, and mingle with a first class guy as if you were long-lost friends

12. Give someone a coin, saying Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I dont

13. Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling Were out of toilet paper! Stewardess!

14. Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you

15. Try to lead plane in song Oh I wish I was an Oscar Myer Weiner

16. Lead a revolt against the first class passengers

17. Attempt to promote Hinduism among passengers

18. Moon passing Delta planes

19. Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane

20. Start a hot dog stand

21. Steal businessmans laptop, play solitaire on it

22. Pinch the stewardess butt as she passes

23. During the inflight movie, ask to share headphones with someone

24. When two people kiss in the film, belch real loud

25. When theres any nudity, say Hey! He/she must be real cold!

26. Tell the person next to you your life story, from DNA to that afternoon

27. With the person next to you, discuss cannabilism among airline crash passengers on deserted islands

28. Remark that perhaps you shouldnt have put superglue in your undies that morning

29. Pick your nose and pat the person next to you

30. No matter what the meal choices are, demand rice-a-roni

31. Show off your Batman underwear

32. Ask the guy next to you to hold your dentures (senior citizens only)

33. Switch accents and see if anyone notices

34. During the meal, loudly explain that on time you ate shark fin soup

and proceeded to puke all over the airplane, spewing chunks of shark on the other passengers

35. Sneak into the cockpit and hit the warning alarm

36. Explain how, one time, the plane was crashing and the oxygen masks didnt come out, cause they arent really reliable, and that if the plane was to crash, everyone would die

37. Put on a ten foot diameter sombrero and slouch in your seat, whacking everyone on the head

38. Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger

39. Go into the cockpit, flick on the intercom light, then loudly inquire as to why the fuel dial says e

40. Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice Why do the call it the COCKpit? then snort as if its the funniest thing in the world

41. Dont use deoderant, then accidently stick your armpit in someones face

42. Sneeze, using somebodys sleeve instead of your hand to cover it

43. Listen to James Brown on your Walkman, sing along (especially the

Oooh Oooh parts)

44. Snort when you laugh

45. Tell corny jokes and laugh like its absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same 46. Wear a hairpiece and switch it often, seeing if anyone notices

47. Sing that irritaing song that starts like this I lost my car on the rooooooaaddd an Im cryin over yooooouuuu….

48. Recite all you can of the last Ann Landers column

49. Hum the Monty Python theme song

50. Act like a movie star

51. Scream and dive under your seat for no apparent reason

52. Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling Yeee-ha!

53. With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say Nevermind. Do you have any towels?

54. Whip out your kazoo and give first class a special entertainment show

55. Jump up and scream AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!

56. Bring a microphone and act like Frank Sinatra

57. Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think theyre Kevin Costner or Goldie Hawn (This best when the person looks nothing like the movie star in question)

58. Start talking Korean

59. If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off

60. Pretend youre flying the plane

61. With a fellow passenger, Re-enact the disco scene in Airplane!

62. Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong

to a biker gang

63. Take over the plane with a toy gun

64. Yell to someone Is it time to hijack the plane yet? (Note: Do this when there are stewardesses there)

65. To the person next to you, say Its amazing that they didnt notice the grenade in my luggage

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Two good friends are out driving on Route 66 and one guy
has to take a leak. Being in the middle of nowhere they pull over
by some shrubbery and the guy goes to relieve himself.

Suddenly, he screams Aaagh! a rattler bit my cock!
Relax! says his friend, Ill go find a pay phone and call a doctor.

So his friend drives off and finds a pay phone, call a doctor
and asks what he should do. Well, said the doc, you must cut
crosses in the wound and suck out the poison. Is that the only way
Doc? asked the man. Yes, you must do that or hell die.

He finally gets back to friend and his friend asked So, what
did the doctor say?

Youre gonna die, mate. Youre gonna die.

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, Ill do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young womans hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said…

Paint my house.

This guy is getting married and he is a bit nervous since he is not too experienced. So he asks his best man to come along on the honeymoon and give a few pointers.

The best man exclaims, Come on man, its your honeymoon, youre supposed to be spending time with your wife, not your best friend!

To which the groom replies that he has already paid for a room next door to his for the best man. After much coercion, the best man give in and decides to go along. They work out a system where the best man will pound on the wall and shout advice if he hears anything going wrong.

So the honeymoon comes and goes, and the bride and groom go to the honeymoon suite of the hotel, and the best man goes to his room next door. After a few moments, the bride gets undressed, but the groom gets so nervous he runs into the bathroom and locks the door. After about five minutes of waiting, the bride says, honey, are you coming out, I have to go to the bathroom!

The groom replies, I will be out in a few minutes, hon, Ill be ready soon.

After a few more minutes, the bride cant wait any longer, so she rummages under the bed where all the wedding gifts are stashed, grabs a box, unwraps it, pulls out the fondue pot, shits in it, wipes with the tissue paper, closes it and shoves it under the bed. Just then the groom, having summoned his manly nerve walks out of the bathroom. The bride, being feminine and all, goes into the bathroom to stall for a few minutes so the groom wont know what she did.

The groom, sitting on the bed =sniff* notices this awful smell!

*sniff* *sniff* Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! *sniff* What can that be? He looks under the bed, finds the box, pulls it out and exclaims, Honey, theres shit in your box!!!

Boom! Boom! Boom! (Theres pounding on the wall…) The best man yells from the other room, Turn her over, turn her over!

This old couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at a dinner sponsored by their family and friends. Just before they were to walk up and take their seats at the head table, the husband pulls his wife aside and tells her; Its been a wonderful 50 years, you have been a wonderful wife and a wonderful mother to our children. No regrets.

Then she says; Yes, it has been a wonderful 50 years, you have been a wonderful husband, and a wonderful father to our children, and I only have two regrets.

Whereupon the husband throws up his hands and asks What, what?.

She replies that for 50 years, when ever we have had sex, you have always been on top; and the second is that for 50 years you have picked your nose.

The husband says I can explain, I can explain. When I left the old country, my father took me aside and told me… Son, whatever you do, keep your nose clean, and never fuck up.

When his wifes snoring woke him for the third straight night, Harry went to the bathroom medicine cabinet, got some aspirin and popped two tablets into her gaping mouth. Awk, glub! choked his startled wife. What the… Its okay, honey. I gave you some aspirin, he explained. Why? I dont have a headache! Great! said Harry, triumphantly. Lets fuck!