An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens.
The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on
in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldnt hurt
anything. So he bought a young cock from the local rooster emporium,
and turned him loose in the barnyard.

The old rooster saw the young one strutting around and he got a little
worried. So, theyre trying to replace me, thought the old rooster.
Ive got to do something about this.

He walked up to the new bird and said, So youre the new stud in
town? I bet you really think youre hot stuff, dont you? Well, Im
not ready for the chopping block yet. Ill bet Im still the better
bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house
over there. Well run around it ten times and whoever finishes first
gets to have all the hens for himself.

The young rooster was of a proud sort, and he definitely thought he
was more than a match for the old guy. Youre on, said the young
rooster. And since I know Im so great, Ill even give you a head
start of half a lap. Ill still win easy!

So the two roosters went over to the hen house to start the race with
all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begun and all the
hens started cheering the roosters on.

After the first lap, the old rooster was still maintaining his lead.
After the second lap, the old guys lead had slipped a little but he
was still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old roosters lead
continued to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he was just
barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer heard all the commotion. He ran into the house, took
his shotgun, and ran out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something
was after his chickens. When he got there, he saw the two roosters
running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in
the lead. He immediately took his shotgun, aimed, fired, and blew the
young rooster away.

As he walked away slowly, he thought to himself, Damn, thats the
third gay rooster Ive bought this month…

A male-to-female transexual was recently interviewed on a radio talk show.

The DJ asked the transexual about what, if any, pain the person experienced during the operation.

The transexual replied, Well, when they cut my penis off, that really didnt hurt too much. Even when they implanted the breasts in my chest, well, that really didnt hurt too much either….

Then you didnt experience any real physical pain at all then?

Hell no! It hurt like hell when they stuck that big fucking needle in my head and sucked out all my brains and then cut my salary in half!

Once upon a time. Little Red Riding Hoods mother (being concerned about the increase in violence in rural America) gave Little Red a .45 caliber gun for protection. Little Red kept this gun in her basket.

One summer day while on the way to her grandmothers house, a big bad wolf jumped out from behind a tree and howled Im going to fuck your brains out!

Little Red pulled out her gun from the basket and calmly replied: Oh no youre not, youre going to eat me like the story says.

A father and son live on a farm. One day the father says, Son, things havent been going very well and Im afraid well have to sell your duck. Im really sorry, but we need the money. I want you to take the duck to town and bring back the money.

So the son takes the duck and sets off down the road. Halfway to town he runs into a hooker. She says, Hey kid, I could show you a really good time if youre interested. He replies, Id sure like to, but all I have to pay with is this duck. Well, she says, maybe we can work something out.

So they go off into the bushes and the branches are snapping and feathers flying…..

When they come out, she is breathless and says, Wow! That was incredible! Not bad for a kid. Tell you what, if you can do that again, Ill give you back your duck.

As you might guess, hes all for that idea. So they return to the bushes and get it on again. When they are done she is still amazed at his abilities.

She says to him, Ive got this friend whos husband is a real loser. He hasnt even been able to get it up in years, let alone satisfy her when he could. Im gonna send you to her. Just let me call ahead. She calls her friend and tells her, You wont believe this kid Im gonna send over to you. He is the best Ive had in years. Hes just what you need.

What none of them know is that the womans husband is listening in on the other phone. The kid sets off for the womans house and the husband meets him on the road and says, Look boy, Ill give you a dollar if you just turn around now and forget all about my wife. Not being the brightest kid, he agrees and turns back for home.

His father sees him coming back down the road and the duck is still under his arm. He knows his boy is dumb, but the instructions were easy!! He says, Son, what the hell happened? I told you to go to town and sell the duck!!

Dad, he says, You wouldnt believe the day Ive had! First, I got a fuck for the duck, then I got the duck for a fuck then I got a buck to duck a fuck and I still have the fucking duck!!

A man had a hunting dog for sale for an unusual amount of money.

Another man interested in buying the dog asked him why he wanted so much. They took the dog to the woods.

The owner told the dog to go hunt. The dog took off into the woods and came back in a couple of minutes and scratched his foot on the ground four times.

The hunters went into the woods and killed four rabbits and could not find anymore.

The owner said you could hunt the woods all day and could not find any more than four rabbits.

The buyer was impressed and bought the dog. The new owner took the dog hunting the next weekend and told the dog to go find the rabbits. The dog took off into the woods and stayed gone for almost thirty minutes. When the dog returned he was hunching on his leg and scratching the ground and shacking a stick in his mouth.

The guy thought the dog went crazy and shot him. About two weeks later he seen the previous owner and told him what happended.

The owner told him he was trying to tell you there was more fucking rabbits in the woods than you could shake a stick at.

There is a family of ducks walking along the road, when all of the sudden
a car swerves and kills all but one baby. Realizing that he doesnt yet
know what he is, he wanders around looking for some answers. He sees a
family of skunks walking in the same area as his family was, and what do
you know a car killed all but one of the babies too. So the baby duck goes
up to the baby skunk and says Do you know what I am?

The skunk says Well youre yellow, you have a beak, webbed feet, and
feathers, so you must be a duck. Do you know what I am?

The duck says Well youre not quite white, not quite black, you smell like
shit, so you must be a Mexican.

Dear Boys and Girls,

Well, its that time of year again and once again I am busting my ass to get everything done in time for my big night. What a pain it has been. Shortages from Japan, elves who dont know shit about electronic toys, a sleigh that is falling apart and then I caught the Missus fooling around with one of the elves. Who knew? I always thought the little bastards were gay!

I really am getting too old for this shit. It used to be so simple… wooden toys and dolls that didnt do anything, but now its electronic gizmos up the ass, and what the hell does an old fart like me know about computers? I put my naughty/nice list on the computer a few years ago and the damn thing crashed. Lost all the nice kids. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to fly tech support to the north pole?

Dont even get me started on the damn reindeer. Eight tiny reindeer my ass! Too much hay and carrots. They are so damn fat I have my doubts they will even get off the ground.

I shouldnt talk. I always go on a diet the day after Christmas. Too many damn cookies and milk. Of course, now what do the little kiddies leave me? Low fat milk and fat free cookies! Thats all I get, especially in California with all those damn health nuts. Is it too much to ask to leave the fat man a good stiff drink to keep him warm through the night?

Enough about my problems. How have you been? Hope things are going well for you and yours. Not sure what time I will be flying over your house but with the FAA and their new freaking rules, its going to be a very long night.

Heres wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Very Happy New Year!

Lots of love,

Santa

Two old ladies are sitting on their rocking chairs out in front of the nursing home when Lucy turns to her friend and asks, Mildred, do you remember the minuet?

Good heavens no, replies Mildred, I dont even remember the ones Ive fucked.

(Well, shes honest)

A man who had just moved out to the country decides to start a farm. He goes to one nearby and asks to buy a chicken.

The farmer tells the man that they dont call them chickens there. We say pullets.

Then the man selects a donkey. The farmer says, We dont call them donkeys. Here we say, asses. And, by the way, if he ever stops on you, why just hit him a few times.

Then the man asks for one more animal. He asked for a rooster.

The farmer says, We also have a slang name for them. We call them cocks.

The man was walking home, down the road with his three new animals, when all of a sudden the donkey stops in the middle of the road.

A woman is also walking down the street and he asks her if she will do a favor for him.

She says, Sure, what do you need?

The man replies, Can you hold my cock and pullet… while I slap my ass?

An Indian goes into a convience store and says Me needum to buy toilet
paper

The clerk says, Well we have some over here and points to the right.

The Indian says Me not have much money.

The clerk replies Well we have some no-name brands over here. and points
to the left.

The Indian says Whata ya mean no-name?

The clerk says Theyre Generic type brands.

The Indian takes them. The next day the Indian goes back to the store and
says You know that no-name stuff? My family give it
name. We call it John Wayne

The clerk asks Why do you call it John Wayne?

The Indian says Its rough, its tough, and it dont take no shit off an
Indian.