A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time, robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, DEAD or ALIVE!



A trigger happy, young, enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track down the bandit on his own and collect the reward. After a lengthy search, the Ranger tracked the bandit to his favorite cantina and snuck up behind him. At the sound of the Rangers guns cocking and preparing to fire, the surprised bandit sped around only to see both of the Rangers six-shooters bearing down on him.



The Ranger announced, Youre under arrest! Tell me where you hid the loot or Ill drop you where you stand, his finger becoming itchy on the trigger.



However, the bandit didnt speak English and the Ranger didnt speak Spanish. Fortunately for the Ranger, a bilingual lawyer was present in the cantina and translated the Rangers demand to the bandit. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried next to an old oak tree behind the cantina.



What did he say, what did he say?, the Ranger hurriedly asked.



To which the lawyer replied, Well, the best I can make out he said … DRAW!

A guy went to his doctor full of anger. Doc, he said, I feel like killing my wife. Youve got to help me. Please tell me what I should do.

The doctor thought for a moment. Look, he said, here are some pills. Take these twice a day and theyll allow you to fuck your wife six time a day. If you do this for thirty days, youll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex.

Wonderful, doc, said the grateful patient. Ill start with this right away.

He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face.

Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward.

What happened? asked the doctor. What happened to your wife?

Dont worry, doc, the patient reassured him, two more days and shell be dead.

Q: What do a blonde and President Gorbachev have in common?
A: They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday.

Q2: Whats the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev?
A: He knows who the ten men were.

(The math department here at UW has a student run news/humour magazine called,
appropriately enough, mathNEWS. One of the best columns in there is the
prof quotes. This is what keeps us awake in Friday morning classes:)

Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?
Yes, I dont have one.
Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors…

– E. DAzevedo Computer Science 372

If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem.
– C. Durance Computer Science 234

Lets make ethanol green this afternoon.
– R. Friesen Chemistry 124

You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
– Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454

What Ive done, of course, is total garbage.
– R. Willard Pure Math 430a

The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
someone with it?
– M. Devine Computer Science 340

Is it a really good acid, or just a half-acid?
– R. Friesen Chemistry 124

You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
Why do you find that funny?
– D. Taylor Computer Science 350

This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
something child-like.
– Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454

I think it is true for all n. I was just playing it safe with n>=3 because
I couldnt remember the proof.
– Baker Pure Math 351a

Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
smurfette.
– P. Buhr Computer Science 354

Every prof blows this. Were all going to get AIDS or something.
– J. Vanderkooy Physics 122

How do you find an isomorphism? You just f it. See? Graph theory is
a lot of fun.
– I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230

You cant drink negative beer. Well, I guess you could throw up.
– Forbes Math Elective 102

Due to the postal strike, the assignment is extended to one week
from today. I do not give out extensions without good reason.
– Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454

You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
doesnt dim the lights when you turn it on.
– Hepler Systems Design 182

You have to regard everything I say with suspicion – I may be trying to
bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently.
– J. Wainwright Mathematics 140b

Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat.
– M. Devine and P. Larson Computer Science 340

Well call it S for cyclic.
– Gord Sinnamon Mathematics 234b

Karen has her own i, and she is not going to let Frank put his
data into it.
– F. D. Boswell Computer Science 240

All that was meant to bore you shitless.
– I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230

The subspace W inherits the other 8 properties of V. And there
arent even any property taxes.
– J. MacKay Mathematics 134b

So you have this mapping P(v). So what does it mean? It means you
take v and P on it, right?
– J. Baker Mathematics 234b

Thats an engineer on his work term. Hes sawing pipes, then soldering
them back together again…Hell do that 10 times to make the pipe
shorter.
– J. MacKay Statistics 332

What do I do if I am running low on my [computer] account?
Take out a loan.
– C. Durance Computer Science 234

The teacher says, Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Todays word is beautiful. Little Sally, would you please come up here and use beautiful in a sentence?

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.


Teacher says, Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen. Teacher says, Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, its your turn.

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said…


Beautiful, just fuckin BEATUIFUL!

One day a man was driving through the country when his car began to sputter and it broke down. There was no gas station for at least a hundred miles where the nearest city was.

He looked around and all he could see was two old farm houses on either side of the road. Just then, a huge storm came up and rain poured out of the sky and began flooding the place. The man, thinking his car will be washed away, takes off for one of the houses.

He gets to the front step and rings the doorbell. No one answers so he bangs on the door as hard as he can. Still no one answers although he can see that there are lights on in the house. He rings the bell and bangs as hard as he can, again to no avail.

He peeks in the front window and he sees and old lady squeezing her breasts. Amazed, the man looks in again to see an old man rubbing his head and jacking off. He freaks when he sees this and runs back to his car.

He sits for a while and decides he must do something quick or his car will be gone. So he runs over to the other farm house. When he gets to the front door he rings the bell. An old farmer answers the door and asks what can he do.

The young man says, Yeah. My car just broke down. Do you have a phone I could use to call a tow truck?

The farmer looks at him and says, Sorry, but the only phone in these parts is cross the road over at the Joneses house. Theyll let you use it though.

The man replies, No way. I looked in the window over there and they were engaging in some kind of weird sex. She was squeezing her tits and he was jacking off while rubbing his head.

The farmer laughs and says,Oh thats just the way they communicate. You see, the Joneses are deaf. She told him: its time to milk the cows. Then he said to her: fuck that its raining outside.

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, But youre a duck



I see youre eyes are working replies the duck.



And you talk! exclaims the landlord.



I see youre ears are working says the duck, now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?



Certainly, says the landlord, sorry about that, its just we dont get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?



Im working on the building site across the road explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.



The ring leader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him; Youre with the circus arent you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!



Sounds marvellous says the ringleader, get him to give me a call.



So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says, Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!



Yeah? says the duck, Sounds great, where is it?



At the circus says the landlord.



The circus? the duck enquires.



Thats right replies the landlord.



The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle



Thats right! says the landlord.



The duck looks confused. What the fuck do they want with a plasterer?

A man and his wife were about to get evicted and needed some quick cash. honey, we may have to prostitute you to pay the bills, said the man. ok, no problem, anything i can do said the wife. so he had her dress in her sexiest outfit and meet him on the street. ok, just go across teh street and if you need me im right here, he said. about 10 mins pass and a man approached her and asked it she was working. let me walk across the street she said. so she did and the man explained to say yes. so she did. how much? asked the john um…let me walk across the street she said, and the man told her to ask the john for $100. so she did. damn, i only have $25, what can i get fro that asked the john um…let me walk across the street she said again, and told teh man the offer, to which he said to give the john head. so she relayed this to the john, they agreed and he pulled down his pants and had a cock 10 inches long and as thick as her wrist. oh boy, let me walk across the street she siged, and went to her hubby and said um….sweetie, can i borrow $75?

A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute).

In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!), Oh, you can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now!

Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon.

After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldnt be helped as well.

Yes, yes signed the mute. Lets have the first treatment right now!

Very well, replies the specialist.

Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. Ill be right in.

The mute does as instructed and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet, and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he sends it home with a few deft swipes of the mallet.

The mute jumps from the table, screaming, AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!!!

VERY good, smiles the doctor.

Next Tuesday, we start with B

A ventriloquist had just finished his polack joke routine when a huge, drunk polack confronted him, Im sick of your polack jokes and Im going to knock the shit out of you. Im sorry, it was all in good fun, replied the comedian. The polack retorted, I was talking to little asshole on your knee."