Theres this guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: Come on man, I was just joking. Here, Ill buy you another drink. I just cant stand to see a man crying. No, its not that. This is the worst day of my life. First, I fall asleep, and Im late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there but the cab had already driven away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when Im thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . .

A man and his wife go to their weekend getaway in the mountains where the husband likes to fish and the wife likes to read

the husband came home early one day from fishing and went to bed



the wife decided now would be her chance to go out on the boat and read



so she did



she didnt know the lake very well so she just layed anchor anywhere and began to read



along came a officer and told her what are you doing?





reading said the woman





this is a restricted fishing area





but im not fishing





that may be true but you have all of the equipment so i will have to take you in





if you do that i will charge you with rape the woman says





but i didn touch you





this may be true but you have all of the right equipment









Moral of the story is: never mess with a woman who knows how to read.

A doctor with a mean sense of humor goes to meet her new patient in
the exam room. First thing she says: Well, Mr. Smith, as we
discussed, you will experience some short-term memory loss.

(tip: dont try these if youre not willing to risk being beaten up) 1. Poke the person next to you repeatedly with your fork. If they try to retaliate, curl into a ball and start crying for your mother. 2. This only works if the person has their back to you. Select a single strand of hair from the persons head and pull gently. When they reach up to touch their hair or try to turn around, look at the ceiling or pretend to read the menu. Repeat constantly. 3. Tap your fingernails on the table top, ignoring any evil stares that come your way. (This works anywhere, not just restaurants.) 4. Hug yourself and rock backwards and forwards in your seat whilst muttering incoherantly. This will not only completely embarrass those at your table, it is also extremely annoying. 5. Help yourself to other peoples meals. If they complain, pretend to stick your fingers down your throat and ask them if theyd like their food back.

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, Hey! What do you have in the bag?

The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag.

His friend says, Well, Ill make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, youll have to give me one.

The man says, Ill tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, Ill give you both of them.

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.

The other cow replies, Hell, I aint worried, it dont affect us ducks!

You know you drink too much coffee when…

1. Juan Valdez names his mule after you.

2. You chew on your roommates fingernails.

3. You can jump-start your car without cables.

4. You do twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize its not plugged in.

5. You cant remember your second cup.

6. You have a picture of your coffeemug on your coffee mug.

7. Starbucks has a mortgage on your house.

8. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

9. You dont sweat — you percolate.

10. You grind coffee beans in your mouth.

Did you hear about the African missionary that gave some cannibals their first taste of religion?

You go to him for a separated shoulder, and he suggests you rub a croissant on the affected area three times a day

He tells you that your deodorant is giving you headaches and that you should take fewer showers

Insists on watching Jerry Lewis telethon tapes during open heart surgery

Prescribes butter, and plenty of it!

Fills your IV bag with Beaujolais Nouveau

Suggests radical brie implant

In the middle of your checkup, lets a German doctor bully his way into being your new primary care physician

Tells you to smoke two packs and call him in the morning

White lab coat embroidered with Pepe LePew holding caduceus symbol

Recommends surgery, you say no way, and he immediately surrenders

Skips out, leaves you to pay the check at a Vietnamese restaurant

Asks, So what I misdiagnosed you, monsieur? I work for the government and cannot ever be fired. Vive longtemps le médecine sociale!

(c) Daily Wonk Lists

A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note attached to a customers door saying I need 45 gallons of milk. He knocked on the door and a beautiful dumb blond answered it.



Is this a mistake? the milkman asked.



No, she said, I was watching a talk show and it said that bathing in milk is a good aphrodisiac.



Really, replied the milkman. Do you want that pasteurized?



No, up to my breasts would be fine, she said.