Read this as if it were a Dr. Seuss story. Enjoy!!

I am Starr.

Starr I are.

Im a brilliant barri-star.

Im here to ask, as youll soon see, Did you grope Miss Lew-in-ski?

Did you grope her in your house?

Did you grope beneath her blouse?

Did she give you gifts and ties?

Were you spied by prying eyes?

I did not do that here or there!

I did not do that anywhere!

I did not do that in a chair!

I went not near her giant hair!

I did not join-even for fun,

The Mile High Club in Air Force One.

So stow your feathers and your tar.

I did not do her, Starr you are!

Did you smile?

Did you flirt?

Did you peek beneath her skirt?

And did you tell the girl to lie, When called upon to testify?

That is it; youve gone too far!

I do not like you, Starr you are!

I will not answer any more!

In fact, I think Ill start a war!

The publics easy to distract,

When bombs are falling in Iraq!

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldnt stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but Ive never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it? The woman replied, Well, that first hearse is for my husband. What happened to him? The woman replied, My dog attacked and killed him. She inquired further, Well, who is in the second hearse? The woman answered, My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her. A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. Can I borrow the dog? Get in line!

Q: When driving through fog what should you use?

A: Your car!

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommates potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommates potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, He just didnt belong.

9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8) Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, Its spreading, its spreading.

7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While youre doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, Soon, soon….

6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

5) Tell your roommate, Ive got an important message for you. Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you cant remember what the message was. Later on, say, Oh, yeah, I remember! Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

3) Make a sandwich. Dont eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!? Complain loudly that you are hungry.

2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, Hooray! Youre back! as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes.

Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, Shouldnt you be going somewhere?

1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, No, I want to watch them suffer.

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

What Denomination? Asked the clerk.

Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? said the woman.

Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic!

• Well, how bout that? Im lost! Looks like well have to stop and
  ask for directions.

• You know, Pumpkin, now that youre 13, youll be ready for
  unchaperoned car dates. Wont that be fun?

• I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I
  like that.

• Heres a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!

• What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skatings not good
  enough for you, son?

• Your mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to
  consider throwing a party.

• Well, I dont know whats wrong with your car. Probably one of
  those doo-hickey thingies — ya know — that makes it run or something.
  Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

• No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring.
  Now quit your belly-aching, and lets go to the mall.

• Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you
  to spend.

• What do I want for my birthday? Aahh — dont worry about that.
  Its no big deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they dont mean it)

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful lady.

May I buy you a drink? the man asks the lady.

Sure, but one thing I have to confess before you get intimate is that I was once a man, she responds.

Whoa! I would have never known if you hadnt told me, the man says shocked, Well what was the worst part of the operation? Was it when they sewed on those gahoonas?

No, she says calmly.

What about when they cut off your..

No, she says hesitantly.

Well what was the worst part of the operation?, the man asks.

Well, the worst part has to be when they removed half of my brain!

Q. If theres H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, whats on the outside?A. K9P

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes….#1,#2,#3. Open these if you run up against a problem you dont think you can solve, the departing CEO said.



Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, Blame your predecessor.



Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press — and Wall Street — responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.



About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, Reorganize. This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.



After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.



The message said, Prepare three envelopes.

You order a Double Whopper and he says, Hey, my name aint Rockefeller, honey.

Youve never heard someone speak with such passion about an ant farm.

He seems to know an awful lot about your shower routine.

Your dinner reservations are under Loser, party of 2

Hes especially proud of how long he can sustain a burp.

He calls to tell you hell pick you up, just as soon as the stand off with the police is over.

Hes been on Geraldo once and Jerry Springer, twice.