An avid golfer dies and goes to heaven. He is met by St. Peter who tells him,
Welcome to Heaven. I know you will be pleased to know that this is the best
golf course in the universe! The mans eyes turn cloudy.

St. Peter says, And the weather here is always good. A tear begins to form in
the mans eye.

St. Peter says, And there is never any lines of people when you want to golf.
A tear starts dropping from the mans other eye.

St. Peter hurriedly says, And your drives go at least 50 yards further up
here. The man is now sniffling.

St. Peter then says, And you will never have more than two puts on any of the
greens. The man is now sobbing uncontrollably.

St. Peter asks, Hey, what is the matter with you? I thought you would be
overjoyed. Why the tears?

The man answers, If my wife had not fed me all those healthy food, I would have
been here five years earlier!

[Ed: This joke edited]

There was an international conference and a luncheon following at the U.N.

The G.B. representative started to offer a toast:

To the women of the Eastern Hemisphere!

The Chinese representative then followed:

To the women of the Western Hemisphere!

The Italian representative thought for a moment, and then said:

To the two hemispheres of women!

At a golf club a bunch of women are having tea. Then one woman
discovers that the mens locker room at some distance below their balcony
has its door ajar. And a man is taking a shower with his head unseen.
So this woman chuckles and says: I am glad that that is not my husband–how
embarrassing! A second woman acknowledges: I am glad that he is not my
boyfriend ….hmmm!

A third woman then says:
I dont know whether he is my husband or not, but I sure know that
he is not any of the men here at this golf club.

Ray Wong, bu000756(or rkw)@cisunx.UUCP

Moses, Jesus, and another guy were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.



Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.



The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there, it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond.



On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.



Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.



Moses then turned to Jesus and said, I hate playing with your Dad.

10. Hey! Its my turn to sit in the front pew.9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.7. Ive decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, lets pay our pastor so he can live like we do.4. I love it when we sing hymns Ive never heard before!3. Since were all here, lets start the service early.2. Pastor, wed like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

Two
old friends were just about to tee off at the first
hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying
a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if
I join you? My partner didnt turn up."
"Sure," they said, "Youre welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the
company of the newcomer. Part way around the course,
one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What
do you do for a living?"
"Im a hit man," was the reply.
"Youre joking!" was the response.
"No, Im not," he said, reaching into his
golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini snipers
rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are
my tools."
"Thats a beautiful telescopic sight,"
said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I
think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight
in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see
my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can
see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in
the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see shes naked! Whats
that? Wait a minute, thats my neighbor in there with
her. Hes naked as well! The bitch!" He turned
to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a
hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars
every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, shes always been mouthy,
so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, hes
a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his
dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing
perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going
to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the
hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand
dollars here….."

A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt? Somersaults, says the man. Somersaults?! says the friend, Thats incredible. How many does he do? Hmmm, says the man. That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass.

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, lets say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day. Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

Help me find my ball, you look over there, he says to Sid.  After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. Ive found my ball! he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, After all the years weve been friends, youd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?

What do you mean cheat?  I found my ball sitting right here!

And a liar, too!!!  Sid says with amazement. Ill have you know Ive been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!

A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.

While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied Im on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request.

She said Im on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th.

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell?

She replied, if I told you, you would only laugh. No I wouldnt, he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.

Well if you must know, she answered, I sell Tampax.

With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said see I knew you would laugh.

Thats not what Im laughing at he replied, Im a toilet paper salesman, so Im still a hole behind you!

A man calls a lawyers office. The phone is answered Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. The man says, Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Im sorry, hes on vacation. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Hes on a big case, not available for a week. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Hes playing golf today. Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Speaking.

There was an old man named Bill and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred. His wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game. But one day he came home from their weekly game looking unhappy and very tired. His wife asked, "Whats the matter Bill? You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable." Bill said, "Well, something terrible did happen. Fred had a heart attack on the first hole." "My God, honey!" said the wife, rushing to comfort him, "that mustve been terrible!" "It was," he said, "all day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball and then hit it again…"