A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.



No, thanks, says the plant manager. I tried smoking a cigar once and I didnt like it.



The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for martinis. No, thanks, the plant manager replies. I tried alcohol once, but didnt like it.



Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a golf course. I suppose you play golf, says the salesman. Id like to invite you to be a guest at my club.



No, thanks, the manager says. I played golf once, but I didnt like it.



Just then a young man enters the office. Let me introduce my son, Bill, says the plant manager.



Let me guess, the salesman replies. An only child?

There was a businesswoman who just made a million dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined.



The Sheik insisted so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.



A few weeks later she received a telegram from the sheik.



“So far I have bought you 3 golf clubs. I hope you arent disappointed that only 2 of them have swimming pools.

There
was a guy whose lucky number was five. He was born on
May 5, 1955. He graduated 5th in his class, got a job
with the 5th company he applied to and soon became the
5th highest executive, married the 5th girl he dated,
had 5 children, and always shot a five under at golf.
One day he was at the horse track, and saw that at 5PM
in the fifth race in lane number 5 was a five year old
stallion named "Numero Cinco". Seeing this
as a sign, he goes to the fifth betting window and bets
$55,555 on the horse. He goes to the fifth row in the
stands to watch the race.
The horse came in fifth

11) Im spiking the punch at the reception. Thatll liven things up!

10) Hey! Did I just see the dead guy move?

9) Hey, this is the first time Grandpas been stiff in twenty years!

8) The sonofabitch is lucky hes dead. He still owes me twenty bucks!

7) (to children) Be quiet or well bury you with him.

6) Ill trade you the clock I inherited for the golf clubs you inherited.

5) I dont really know him/her. Im just here for the free food afterwards.

4) Its about time. I was getting sick of her whining.

3) Is this service over yet? Im gonna miss the hockey game.

2) (to Pastor performing service) So, this is what your God does, eh? Kill people and break up families? Tell me… Why do you continue to worship him? He sounds like an asshole.

1) (to widow) Well, youre officially single now. Whatcha doin Friday night?

A friend and I were golfing one day when at the 18th hole this guy comes out of nowhere and asks if he could join us.

I tell him, Well, were just about done but if you want to join us tomorrow you can. We start at 8 oclock.

He said, Great! Ill be here at 8 oclock, maybe 8:35…

So next day he shows up at 8 oclock and plays scratch golf; he was good. We were going to play again the next day and we invited him to join us.

He said, Great! Ill be here at 8 oclock, maybe 8:35…

So the next day he shows up at 8 oclock, plays with his opposite hand, and shoots under par!

Im a bit amazed with this guy so I ask him, Youre a pretty good golfer, beating us with scratch golf and then showing-off by playing just as good with your opposite hand. Just what is you secret?

He said, Well…when I wake up in the morning and my wife is lying on her left side, I play left-handed.

Or when I wake up in the morning and my wife is laying on her right side, I play right-handed.

So I ask, what if she is laying on her back?

Thats when I get here at 8:35.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one
club and two balls.

Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.

Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result
in being denied permission to play again.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire
the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and
bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being
played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for
this reason.

Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at
all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful
in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of
play when this is the case.

Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled
particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous
players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else
is playing what they considered a private course.

The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any
bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before
attempting to play the backside.

Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to
play the same hole several times in one match.

An Englishman was flying across the Pacific on Delta/Northwest
and decided he had to go to the bathroom. So he got up and started
walking down the aisle, but just as he passed the plane door it
malfunctioned, opened and he was sucked out.

Miraculously he survived landing in the water and saw a tropical
island nearby. He swam to it, certain that he would soon be rescued.
However, fifteen years passed and no one came to his rescue.
Fortunately there was a spring on the island and he survived on
coconuts and fish.

Finally one day, as he was drawing sand pictures at the beach, he sees
a woman in a trim-fitting scuba outfit emerge from the ocean. She is
beautiful! She says, Are you Fred Quimby? He says, Why yes I am.

Congratulations, I am from Rescue Inc., and we have been attempting
to find you since you were lost. Now tell me, how long has it been
since youve had a smoke?

Well, of course its been about 15 years.

So she reaches down the front of her wet-suit on the left side and
pulls out a package of Players cigarettes. How in the world did you
know that my favorite brand was Players?

We have researched all of your preferences very carefully Fred, we
want to do a good job.

So as Fred is taking a deep, satisfying drag on his cigarette, the
rescuer says, And how long has it been since youve had a drink?

Well, thats fifteen years too. And so she reaches down inside the
wetsuit on the other side and pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels.

How did you know that Jack Daniels was my favorite drink?

Well, Fred, as I said we have looked into all of those things too,
do you mind if I have a drink too?

No, of course not. And they both put a couple away.

Then, as she starts to peel off the wet suit she says, And tell me
Fred, how long has it been since youve played around?

Dont tell me youve got a set of golf clubs in there!

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?" The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you CANNOT play through." He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I cant believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!"The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "Ive played so poorly all day, I think Im going to go drown myself in that lake."The caddy looks back at him and says, "I dont think you could keep your head down that long."