Theres no Kathy Lee Gifford Special.


Eight days of presents


No need to clean the chimney.


Theres no latke-nog.


Burl Ives doesnt sing Chanukah songs.


You wont be pressured to buy Chanukah Seals.


You wont see, Youre a Putz, Charlie Brown.


No barking dog version of I had a Little Dreidel.


No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.


Latkes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.

The obituary editor of the Jerusalem Post is not one to admit his mistakes easily. One day he got a phone call from an irate subscriber. The caller complained that his name had been printed in the obituary column.

Really? replied the editor calmly. And where are you calling from?

There was a christian, a muslim and a jew who were discussing who had the greatest God. The muslim started:


I was riding my camel in the desert. Suddenly I saw a sandstorm coming closer. I got afraid, I thought my end had comen, but I didnt lose my faith in the holy Allah. I prayed to him, and 100m from me, the sandstorm stopped.


Then it was the christians turn:


It was a nice day, and I was rowing my boat. The suddenly, I saw a storm coming. I got afraid, but I didnt lose my faith in the holy Jesus, and 50m from me, the storm stopped.


Then it was the jews turn:


It was a sabbath. I walked in Manhattan in my most expensive costume. Then suddenly I saw a black bag in front of me. I stopped down my hand, and when I pulled it up, it was full with money. I got afraid, because you cant have business with money on sabbath. But I didnt lose my faith in the holy Hashem. I prayed to him, and 500m from me it was Tuesday…

A Nice Jewish Dog

A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving.


He cant


wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor


finally comes


over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about how


smart he is.

The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his


master, tail


wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright


with


anticipation.

The guy points to the newspaper by the door and commands Okay,


Irving,


Fetch!

Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail


wagging


furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile


disappears. He


starts to frown and puts on a sour face.

Looking up at his master, he whines, You think this is easy,


wagging my


tail all the time? Oy … This constant wagging of the tail puts


me in


such pain, you should only know! And you think its easy eating


that dreck


you call designer dog food. Forget it…its too salty and it


gives me


gas. And also the runs, but what do you care? Why dont you try


it if you


think its so good? You try it. Dreck I say! Then you push me


out the door


to take care of my business, twice a day. Its disgusting I tell


you! And


when was the last time you took me for a nice long walk? I cant


remember


when!

The neighbor is absolutely amazed … stunned. In astonishment,


he says,


I cant believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks.


Here he is


sitting on the sofa talking to us.

I know, I know. says the owner. Hes not yet fully trained


yet. He


thought I said, Kvetch.

Im Jewish, you pay me, I dont pay you.

They wanted it to be a very special occasion, one, which would never be forgotten. A safari Bar Mitzvah was being done too often, a neighbors son had had his ceremony at the Wailing Wall, and the South


Pole was just too cold.

So the father of the boy arranged to rent the shuttle from NASA and take the Rabbi, family, and all their friends into space. The scientists had returned from MIR and it was not being used at present. The excursion created a lot of worldwide attention, and all the press was there to find out how it went.

The first person off the shuttle was the grandmother, and the reporters asked her, How was the service?

Grandma answered, OK.

How was the boys speech?

OK.

How was the food?

OK.

Everything was just OK? You dont seem to have liked it? What was wrong?

There was no atmosphere!

Morris was telling his friend Mendel a joke, Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day…

Right away, his friend, Mendel, interrupts him, Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Dont you know some jokes that arent about Jews!

So he starts again, Okay, Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephews Bar Mitzvah…

Yentl, a good woman, knew her son was having an affair with a ditzy shikse who was his roommate, but her son, Morris, refused to confess. She devised a plan. A week later, she got a letter from Morris:

Dear Mama,


I am not sleeping with that WASP and I know you stole the ladle. Where is it?


Love,


Morris

She wrote back:

Dear Morris,


If that shikse was sleeping where she was supposed to, she would have found it already.


Love,


Your Mama

Q:why did hitler kill himself after world war two?


A:because he got the gas bill

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He


gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, Perfect timing. Youre just


like Moishe.

Passenger: Who?

Cabbie: C. Theres a guy who did everything right. Like my


coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to


Moishe every single time.

Passenger: There are always a few clouds over everybody.

Cabbie: Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the


pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera


baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him


play the piano.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something, huh?

Cabbie: He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybodys


birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat


them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the


whole neighborhood blacks out.

Passenger. Wow, some guy ehh?

Cabbie: He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic


jams, not like me.

Passenger: Mmm, not many like that around

Cabbie: And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and


never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing


was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.

Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: Well, I never actually met Moishe.

Passenger: Then how do you know so much about him?

Cabbie: I married his widow.