It is not generally known that when Moses first came down from the Mount the tabernacles contained fourteen commandments. When he read them out to the Children of Israel there was great commotion.

One of the spokesmen said to Moses This is very hard on us Moses, please go back and try to reason with the Lord . Explain that we are human and to keep all these commandments will place great hardship on us. So, very reluctantly Moses went back up to the Mount with the tabernacles and after a week, gaunt and haggard came stumbling back to the Tents of Israel. The people gathered around expectantly and the spokesman asked Nu, Moses, how did it go up there?

Moses could hardly speak, he was hoarse from his week long pleadings for his people. Finally he said Well, I have good news and bad news, The good news is that I managed to get it down to only ten commandments, but the bad news is that adultery is still in!.

how many jewish mothers does it take to run a household?

3.one to gooi


one to gooi vey


one to gooi gevalt

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky (imagine a Yiddish accent), So, Becky, I was wondering… have you ever cheated on me?

Becky replies, Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You dont want to ask that question…

Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…

Well, all right, three times…

Three, hmmm, well when were they?

Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan… remember? Then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked…? Well…

Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever to do such a thing for me…. So when was number two?

Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you…? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again…? Well….

Oh my G-d!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me to save my life… I couldnt have a more wonderful wife… To do such a thing, oy vay, you must really love me darling… I couldnt be more moved… So, all right then, when was number three?

Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the congregation…? And you were a mere 47 votes short…?

A Jewish young man is in love with a native American Indian named Rising Lilly. The only problem is, he has been afraid to tell his parents that she isnt Jewish as he knows they wont approve.

He finally gets the courage to invite her over his parents house for dinner. He tells his parents, my girlfriend is coming for dinner. I love her and I think I want to marry her. I hope you will like her.

When Rising Lilly arrives, his mother says to her, come into the kitchen with me and help me prepare dinner. So she goes. Meanwhile, the man is very nervous and is pacing back and forth hoping that his mother will like her.

When Rising Lilly comes out of the kitchen, he says to her, so what happened? did she like you? And she replies, yes very much so. She was even talking about taking up an Indian name. An Indian name?? What are you talking about?? And she replies, well your mother said something about next week shes going to be Sitting Shiva.

This blind Jew got a matza, held it in his hand and said:

– Who wrote this garbage!

An elderly Jew goes into a butchers shop

looking at what is on display, he points to the sliced ham and asks…

How much is that fish?

The butcher replies; Its not fish, its meat!

The old Jew replies, I ask the price of the fish, and you talk to me about meat!… How much is the fish???

The butcher, somewhat irritated says: Thats not fish, it is called HAM!!!

The old Jew responds…. Did I ask you what the name of the fish was?

there was a jewish rabbit who was in a science lab so they could test smoking brands on him. one day he said to his mate there are wild rabbits you know his mate didnt believe him so he said right ill prove it


the next night he escaped and found a wild rabbit they had a great time. the next day he came back and said to his mate it was brill i found a great wild rabbit we ate lettuce and i even found a girlfriend


wow his mate said why did you come back?


i was dying for a fag he replied

what is the difference between a jewish mother and a vulture?

a vulture waits till your dead before it eats your heart out.

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes! she exclaimed.


No, said the genie, You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.


Lets see, says Monica, I dont need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I dont need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, Ill have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, thats it, for my one wish I would like my love handles removed.


Poof!And just like that… her ears were gone.

A priest and a rabbi go walking Down the street


and this 13 year old boy walks in front of them


The Priest Says That boy is so hot isnt he?

The Rabbi Replys What are you talking about?

The Priest again That boy is very dont You Think?

The Rabbi What do you mean?

The Priest Says Well Lets Screw Him?

The Rabbi Screw him out of What?