A Hasidic Jew walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

An employee drives the Rolls into the banks underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?

The Hasidic Jew replied, Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?

Three Jewish men arrive in New York from Europe, and decide to meet again in 20 years to see how they all made out in America.

20 years pass…

The first man asks the second, So, nu? Howd you do? He replies: Vell, you know…ven I came to this country I had no idea vhat to do with myself to make a livink. So I looked at my last name. Goldstein. So I vent into the gold business. And oy, did I make a FORTUNE!

He turns to the next man and asks, So nu, how bout you?

He says Vell, like you I had no idea vhat I vas going to do in this vast country to make a livink, so I too, looked to my last name. Silverberg. So I vent into silver. And oy, did I make a fortune!

So they both turn to the last man and say, And you? Vat happened to you?

So the third man said, Vell, I too had no idea how I vas to make a living here in America, so I looked at my last name. Taylor. I said, das no good. I never make money as a tailor.

So I went to shul and prayed. I said God, if you make me a wealthy man, I promise to make You my partner.

So the first man said, So, vat happened? The man replied, Vas the matter? You never heard of Lord and Taylor?

An elderly Jewish lady is leaving the garment district to go home from work. Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her, stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes her. Unruffled she takes a look and remarks, This you call a lining?

In a move that shocked all economic forecasters, the nation of Isreal, bought two tire companies that fell into financial trouble. Goodyear and Firestone. In an effort to change the public image of both and give them a much needed make over, they were both renamed and a new logo created. Goodyear became Goodberg and Firestone became Firestien. the new logo; Tires so good, not only can they stop on a dime, but they can also pick it up. 🙂

On the first night of Hanukkah my true love gave to me Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the second night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the third night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 3 pounds of corned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the fourth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me


4 potato latkes


3 pounds of corned beef


2 Kosher pickles and


Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the fifth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me


5 bowls of chicken soup


4 potato latkes


3 pounds of corned beef


2 Kosher pickles and


Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the sixth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me


6 pickled herrings


5 bowls of chicken soup


4 potato latkes


3 pounds of corned beef


2 Kosher pickles and


Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the seventh night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me


7 noodle kugels


6 pickled herrings


5 bowls of chicken soup


4 potato latkes


3 pounds of corned beef


2 Kosher pickles and


Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the eighth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me


8 Alka- Seltzer


7 noodle kugels


6 pickled herrings


5 bowls of chicken soup


4 potato latkes


3 pounds of corned beef


2 Kosher pickles and


Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

PS: For the Israeli version, substitute:


1 Falafel ball , 2 spoons of Hummos, 3 liters of Tehina, 4 plates of salads, 5 glasses of eshkoliot(grapefruit juice), 6 bags of pita, 7 mouthfuls of ful and 8 grapes

Three women friend, one jewish and two gentiles, are killed in a fatal traffic accident. They arrive together in Heaven at the Pearly Gates and are met by St Peter.

St. Peter to the first woman Name?


First Woman Jane Smith


St. Peter Enter the blue door on the right

St. Peter to the second woman Name?


Second Woman Ann Jones


St. Peter Enter the blue door on the right

St. Peter to the third woman Name?


Third Woman Rachel Rabbinowitz


St. Peter Enter the red door on the left


Third woman Hold on a minute St Peter. Ive been the best of friends with the other two women for the past thirty years ever since my husband died, in which time weve gone everywhere together and done everything together, even died together in the same crash and now your sending us of seperately. Why cant I go with my two pals so that we can still be together?


St Peter Dont you want to get your hair done first!!!

What is the difference between a non-Jewish woman and a Jewish woman?

A non-Jewish woman urges her husband to take Viagra.


A Jewish woman urges her husband to invest in Pfizer.

one day there was a jewish boy who failed in math.His parents decided to send him to all the great private schools but nothing worked.So his parents sent him to catholic school.All of a sudden his math grades improved to straight As.His parents asked him what inspired you to do so well in math.The boy replied:when i saw that guy nailed to a plus sign i knew they meant business.

There was an amazing accident involving a Rabbi and a Priest. The cars are completetly shaterred though the Rabbi and the Preist dont even bare a scratch on them The Preists looks at the rabbis kippa and says:


Oh Youre a Rabbi


Then the Rabbi looks at the Preists collar and says:


Oh Youre a Priest


Yes Amswered the Priest


Well look at this both of our cars are shattered to bits, but none of us bare a scratch this must be a sign of G-D that we should be friends


Yes this is a sign exclaimed the Priest


The Rabbi notices in his car that a wine bottle with a Mogen David on it isnt broken


Look The rabbi points to the bottle, he continues My wine bottle isnt shattered this must be a sign from G-D that we should drink this to commemerate that we are friends


Yes this must be a sign says the priest who takes the bottle from the Rabbis car and starts to drink until he is half-way done with the bottle then hands it to the rabbi, where the Rabbi takes it and closes the bottle.


Arent you going to have a sip Rabbi


Nahh….. I think Ill wait for the police

The BBC Gaza correspondent is sitting in her air conditioned hotel in the Gaza strip, sipping iced tea when her mobile phone begins to ring. She picks up the phone and hears a mysterious voice say, comrade this is the ruling council of the military wing of Hamas and I would like to inform you that those Israeli pigs have just massacred hundreds of Palastinian women and children.

The BBC correspondent then asks the mysterious stranger on the phone where and when this had happened but was just given the address of the small provincial hospital just inside the Israeli border where he claimed hundreds of surviving casualties had been taken earlier and informed her that all her expenses would be covered as usual.

Armed with this information she realises that she can finally prove to the world just how evil these Israeli, American Jewish lobby supported pigs really are. So she makes her way as quickly as possible across the border into Israel and to the hospital.

On arriving at the hospital she walks into the main reception where she sees an Israeli doctor standing with a clip board in his hand. She walks up to the doctor and says, right you imperialist scum bag, where are the palastinian casualties brought intoday after the massacre?

The doctor who is slightly surprised and taken a back by the witch faced correspondent replies I am sorry lady but I dont know what you are talking about.

The correspondent then really begins to lose her temper and says, Ok tell me how many Arab patients you have here today?

To which the doctor replies, well I would guess several hundred.

Ah ha! the corresspondent responds, so you dont deny it now!

With the bit between her teeth she storms past the doctor and heads for the door with the sign that reads emergency admissions written above it. She bursts through the door to only see lots and lots of empty beds save for a couple of elderly people.

Turning round she exits the room and heads back towards the doctor and says so where I you hiding them doctor death?

The bewildered looking doctor then says to her, if you would have given me the chance I was about to show you to them in our new state of the art maternity ward further down the hall.