Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Servicemans Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasnt long before the centers Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits and then said If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you dont have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000. Now, he concluded, which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

Source – Some sick demented BMC I used to know…

A Sailor and a Marine are taking a leak in the head. The Sailor finishes and goes for the door. The Marine finishes and heads for the sink.

He calls out to the Sailor, Hey! Aren t you going to wash you hand? In The Corps they taught us to wash up afterwards.

The Sailor replies, Well, in the Navy they just told us not to piss on our hands.

A Marine walks in to the head. A little boy who was on his way out looks at him, smiles, and asks, Are you a REAL Marine?

The Marine replies, Why yes I am son… Say – you want to wear my hat?

The boy replies, Sure mister!, and put the hat on his head. As the Marine entered a stall the boy placed himself on guard duty by the door. Shortly, a Sailor entered the head.

The little boy again looked up, smiled, and asked, Are you a REAL Sailor?

The Sailor replied, Why yes I am… You wanna suck my dick?

The little boy quickly took the hat off his head and said, Oh no – Im not a real Marine – Im just wearing his hat!

A wheelchair with pedals…
Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses…
A submarine with a screen door…
A helicopter with an ejection seat…
A wooden fireplace…
A fireproof match…
A sliding glass door with a peephole…
And a solar-powered flashlight.

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
along it at the water edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
paper reports, The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
fall over gently onto their backs.

Earliest Remembrances

• Whats his name?
• How old is he?
• Isnt he the cutest thing?
• Did my lil man lose his blankee?

Early

• Hows School?
• And just who do you think you are?
• Cant you act your age?
• And just what were you doing to the dog with that eggbeater?

Pre-Teen

• What do you mean you dont understand History/English?
• You call that cleaning your room?
• Who told you you could play baseball/basketball?
• How in the world could you lose your homework?

Adolescence

• Why are you failing History/English/French?
• May I see your license and registration please?
• Is any girl worth moping around about? A boy your age!
• How in the world could you lose your wallet/sneakers/hat?

Post Adolescence

• Exactly how long had you planned to stay in college?
• Why in the world would you want to join the Navy?
• Why cant you settle down with a nice girl?
• When will you learn you cant go around saying what you think?

Early Adulthood

• Hows the job?
• Hows the family?
• Are you glad you married me?
• How can you speak to me that way, dont you care?

Adult Years

• Hows the new job?
• Arent you ever going to be satisfied?
• Gee Dad, werent you ever young?
• How can you speak that way to your own son?

The Middle Years

• Hows the new job?
• Hows the new house?
• Do you think Im getting fat/old?
• Dont you realize you embarrass me?

The Present

• So, hows retirement?
• What did the doctor say?
• Is that all youre going to do, play on that computer?
• How in the world could you lose your pills?

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earls old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralyzed, she called her doctors office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. On a woman, the doctor said, your heart would be just below your left breast. Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

Adults

Group of people Mom longs to communicate with after several hours of talking in small words about topics like who touched who first.

Airplane

What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

Alien

What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

Apple

Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

Baby

1. Dad, when he gets a cold.

2. Moms youngest child, even if hes 42.

Bathroom

A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

Because

Moms reason for having kids do things which cant be explained logically.

Bed and Breakfast

Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

Carpet

Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off
shoes.

Car Pool

Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

China

Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.

Cook

1. Act of preparing food for consumption.

2. Moms other name.

Couch Potato

What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

Date

Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the
kids in a different setting.

Drinking Glass

Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

Dust

Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a
battle zone.

Dust Rags

See Dads Underwear.

Ear

A place where kids store dirt.

Eat

What kids do between meals, but not at them.

Empty Nest

See Wishful Thinking.

Energy

Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until
asked to do something.

Excuse Me

One of Moms favorite phrases, reportedly used in past
times by children.

Eye

The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be
put out by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled
butter knife.

Fable

A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

Food

The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question Whats
for dinner tonight? See Sarcasm.

Frozen

1. A type of food.

2. How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.

Garbage

A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom
assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing
herself.

Geniuses

Amazingly, all of Moms kids.

Gum

Adhesive for the hair.

Hamper

A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not
containing, dirty clothing.

Handi-Wipes

Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

Hands

Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and
sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the
evening meal.

Hindsight

What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

Homemade Bread

An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the
Golden Fleece.

Ice

Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if
kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them
back in the freezer empty.

Inside

That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom
has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

I Said So

Reason enough, according to Mom.

Jackpot

When all the kids stay at friends homes for the night.

Jeans

Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any
occasion, including church and funerals.

Jeeeeeeeez!

Slang for Gee Mom, isnt there anything else you can do
to embarrass me in front of my friends?

Joy Ride

Going somewhere without the kids.

Junk

Dads stuff.

Ketchup

The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that
Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just
right.

Kiss

Mom medicine.

Lake

Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends
do so.

Lemonade Stand

Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered
mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs,
pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net
a profit of 15 cents.

Lie

An exaggeration Mom uses to transform her childs paper-mache
volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a
full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

Losers

See Kids Friends.

Makeup

Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look
better while making her young daughter look like a tramp.

Maybe

No.

Milk

A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once its
turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

Mommmmmmmm!

The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

Mush

1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food.

2. Main element of Moms favorite movies.

Nails

A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never
have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening
stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men
and/or doll clothing.

Panic

What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops.

Ocean

What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids,
assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy
boats, cars and animals.

Open

The position of childrens mouths when they eat in front of
company.

Overstuffed Recliner

Moms nickname for Dad.

Penitentiary

Where children who dont eat their vegetables or clean
their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

Pets

Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have
someone else to clean up after.

Piano

A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of
dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse
to play in front of company.

Purse

A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can
never find because theyre buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic
container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy
bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated
coupons.

Quiet

A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of
the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for
college.

Raincoat

Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm,
rendered ineffective because its in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a
book bag or because the child refuses to wear the geeky thing.

Refrigerator

Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the
kitchen.

Room Mother

A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a
mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.

School Play

Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching
offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous historic
events.

Screaming

Home P.A. system.

Snowsuits

Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and
snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the
cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

Soap

A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her
kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.

Spit

All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids faces.

Spoiled Rotten

What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.

Sweater

Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds,
and even pneumonia.

Sunday Best

Attractive, expensive childrens clothing made of a fabric
which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

Teacher Conference

A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to
understand her childs special needs.

Terrible Twos

Having both kids at home all summer.

That Way

How kids shouldnt look at moms if they know Whats good for
them. Also applies to how they talk.

Towels

See Floor Coverings

Tramp

A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.

Trouble

Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

Umpteenth

Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must
instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.

Underwear

An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the
wearer will never have an accident.

Utopia

See Bubble Bath

Vacation

Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to
find it there, too.

Vitamins

Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each
morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be Just
like Daddy.

Walls

Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

Washing Machine

Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent
ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

When Your Father Gets Home

Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

XOXOXOXO

Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing
note in a kids lunch box even more mortifying.

Xylophone

Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children
who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over
and over, all day long. See also Drums

Yard Sale

Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell
kids outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are
treasured mementos she cant bear to part with.

Yippee!

What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was
changed to 12 months. See also Yahoo!

Zillion

Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already
this week.

Zucchini

Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before
kids refuse to eat it.

A group of soldiers began digging foxholes for pending war games. Two privates working side by side dug their holes to standard depth.

A third man, a corporal, dug his foxhole so deep that only his shovel tip was visible as he ejected the dirt. Curiosity got the best of the two privates. When their sergeant passed by, one spoke up. Um, sergeant, sir, can you tell us whats with the corporal? He seems to have gotten carried away.

Oh, hell be okay in a few minutes, the sergeant said. He suffers from corporal tunnel syndrome.

The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.
The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly alright.
Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a funny hat.
The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.
The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without a serious incident.
An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprises computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
A power surge on the bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some candy.
The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called Paradise where everyone is happy all of the time.
A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyones satisfaction.
The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isnt tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.

A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. This is a talking dog, he said. And you can have him for five dollars.
The neighbor said, Who do you think youre kidding with this talking dog stuff? There aint no such animal. Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. Please buy me, sir, he pleaded. This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times. Hey! said the neighbor. He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars? Because, said the seller, Im getting tired of all his lies.