1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. Theyve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husbands early films end with a scream and a flush.

4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of rich usually cancels out the nice of bald.

5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if theyre really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

7. If its attention you want, dont get involved with a man during play-off season.

8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

12. Dont try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

17. All men hate to hear We need to talk about our relationship. These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

20. All men think that theyre nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

21. Men dont get cellulite. God might just be a man.

22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. Ive never seen a man walk into a party and say Oh, my God, Im so embarrassed; get me out of here. Theres another man wearing a black tuxedo.

25. Most men hate to shop. Thats why the mens department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

27. If youre dating a man who you think might be Mr. Right, if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders outfits get tighter and briefer, and players shorts get baggier and longer.

29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

34. Men have a good memory, its just short!

35. If a man says, Ill call you, and he doesnt, he didnt forget… he didnt lose your number… he didnt die. He just didnt want to call you.

36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, Are we going to have sex again? He said, Yes, but not with each other.

37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.

38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. Get out and I never want to see you again might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, I love you… I want to marry you… I want to have your children. Sometimes they leave skid marks.

39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: Mitch, you look great. Mitch:Thanks. On the other side:Ruth, you look great. Ruth: I do? Must be the lighting.

40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when shes wearing a jumpsuit.

43. Men dont feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Womens dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

48. Thats why men need instant replays in sports. Theyve already forgotten what happened.

49. Most women are introverted: Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled? Most men are extroverted: Did my team win? Hows my car?

50. All men would still really like to own a train set.

A young farmer is newly married and the couple cant get enough sex. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn they have sex, and when he returns home at evening they have another go before and after supper and maybe a couple more during the night.
The problem is during the day: the fields are a long way from the house and the young man loses so much time traveling home and back again at noon that he decides to consult the towns doctor about what to do.
Easiest thing in the world, Homer says the doctor. You take your rifle out with you every day dont you? Well when you feel like youre in the mood for some lovin just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife for her to come out to you. That way you wont lose any workin time.
Homer tries this and it seems to work pretty good for a while. One day though the doctor stops by the house to pay a visit and he notices Homer sitting alone inside looking very morose.
Whats wrong? he asks. Didnt my idea work? And wheres your wife?
Oh, it worked says Homer. Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said and Beckied come runnin. Then wed spend some time under a nearby tree, after which Beckied go back home.
So whats the problem?, asked the doc.
Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I aint seen hide nor hair of Beckie since the huntin season got started!

Questions about love, marriage and sex were posed to kids
ages 5 to 10. Their answers below are enlightening:

What is the proper age to get married?
Eighty-four! Because at that age, you dont have to work
anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in
your bedroom.
(Judy, 8)

Once Im done with kindergarten, Im going to find me a
wife!
(Tom, 5)

What do most people do on a date?
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

(Mike, 10)

When is it okay to kiss someone?
You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to
buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause shell want to
have videos of the wedding.
(Jim, 10)

Never kiss in front of other people. Its a big embarrassing
thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be
willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few
hours.
(Kally, 9)

The Great Debate: Is it better to be single or married?
Its better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them!
(Lynette, 9)

It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. Im just a
kid. I dont need that kind of trouble.
(Kenny, 7)

Concerning why love happens between two particular people
No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to
do with how you smell. Thats why perfume and deodorant are
so popular.
(Jan, 9)

I think youre supposed to get shot with an arrow or
something, but the rest of it isnt supposed to be so painful.

(Harlen, 8)

On what falling in love is like
Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.

(Roger, 9)

If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I
dont want to do it. It takes too long.
(Leo, 7)

On the role of good looks in love
If you want to be loved by somebody who isnt already in
your family, it doesnt hurt to be beautiful.
(Jeanne, 8)

It isnt always just how you look. Look at me. Im handsome
like anything and I havent got anybody to marry me yet.

(Gary, 7)

Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long
time.
(Christine, 9)

Concerning why lovers often hold hands
They want to make sure their rings dont fall off because they
paid good money for them.
(Dave, 8)

Confidential opinions about love
Im in favor of love as long as it doesnt happen when The
Simpsons is on television.
(Anita, 6)

Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I
have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls
keep finding me.
(Bobby, 8)

Im not rushing into being in love. Im finding fourth grade
hard enough.
(Regina, 10)

The personal qualities necessary to be a good lover
One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even
if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.

(Ava, 8)

Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you
Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.

(Del, 6)

Dont do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might
get attention, but attention aint the same thing as love.

(Alonzo, 9)

One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure its
something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.

(Bart, 9)

How can you tell if two adults eating dinner at a restaurant are in
love
Just see if the man picks up the check. Thats how you can tell if
hes in love.
(John, 9)

Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will
get cold. Other people care more about the food.

(Brad, 8)

Its love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire.
They like to order those because its just like how their hearts
are…on fire.
(Christine, 9)

What most people are thinking when they say I love you
The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I
hope he showers at least once a day.
(Michelle, 9)

How a person learns to kiss
You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get
the best of you.
(Doug, 7)

It might help to watch soap operas all day.
(Carin, 9)

When is it okay to kiss someone?
Its never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over
you…Thats why I stopped doing it.
(Jean, 10)

How to make love endure
Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.

(Tom, 7)

Dont forget your wifes name…That will mess up the love.

(Roger, 8)

Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you
never take out the trash.
(Randy, 8)

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouses confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.

The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.

Dont be afraid, darling, said the man. Wait until I tell you about this.

Get out of here! cried his wife. And take that sex maniac with you!

Q: What do yuppies call mutual oral sex?

A: Sixty-something.

***We start to bud in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. ***Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have callouses on our backs. ***Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didnt even know we had. ***Our next little rite of passage is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils, leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about. ***Then its off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we dont spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course,
amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if were having Rosemarys Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants everytime we sneeze. ***When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and well waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then its huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10) good push, warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb. bowling ball through a keyhole. ***After that, its time to raise those angels only to find that when
all that cute wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey,
sno

I worked for a while with a techie who was originally
from the Ukraine. He would tell me bonafide Russian jokes.
The ones I remember:

The farmers of a commune are gathered together by some officials for an
announcement. The government spokesman steps up and announces that
production is up, tractors are being manufactured in record quantities
and the economy is wonderful. He then asks if there are any questions.
A farmer named Perchek raises his hand. Yes, Comrade, a question. If
everything is so wonderful, why are we hungry, ill-housed and ill-clothed?

An excellent question comes the reply. I will ask it to my superiors
and return to you with an answer.

Three months later, the farmers are once again gathered and the same
type of news is announced. The spokesman again asks if there are
questions.

Yes, says one farmer. Where is Perchek?

There are a whole series of jokes involving the Reds and the Whites
(Reds being the partisan revolutionaries and Whites being the ruling
decadent pigs…) The jokes always involve the exploits of
Sasha, Ivan and Boris, three revolutionary Reds. The only one I can
remember is:

Boris is walking through Red Square one day on his way back to
revolutionary headquarters, when he sees a long line of men with grins
on their eager faces. He recognizes that many of them are prominent
Whites. He sneaks to the head of the line and sees that they are waiting
for a turn to screw a woman laid out on a mat in a warehouse. To his
surprise, he discovers that it is Sasha!

Quickly donning a disguise, he
gets in line and takes a turn, too. He then rushs back to Ivan at
headquarters and announces the traitorous activities of Sasha, who he
caught giving sexual favors to Whites!

About that time, Sasha walks into
the building. Ivan jumps up and angrily demands to know what she has
been doing. Furthering our noble cause, comrades! I have been out
spreading VD among the Whites!

Steven Swinkels

A major Hollywood star decided to do a charity dinner and invited hundreds of people to take part. To make it interesting, the host decided to make it a costume party with the theme of emotions. That first night, the first couple came to the front door, dressed in all blue. You were supposed to dress up as an emotion states the doorman. We are dressed in all blue because we picked the sad emotion. Thinking it over, the doorman decided that was good enough. The next couple comes up to the door dressed in all red clothing Sorry, you needed to dress up in a costume tonight!, to which the couple reply, We are, our red clothes symbolize we are angry. Besides, you let the other couple before us in. Again, the doorman agrees to let them in. Then along comes a black guy, completely naked with the exception of a pear with the core cut out and his penis stuck into it. The doorman, wide eyed looks at him, Im sorry, but I dont think you have been invited to this dinner. The man responds in a thick Jamaican accent, Actually I was invited!Well you were supposed to be dressed up in a costume that conveys a certain emotion. The black guy says, I *am* in a costume, Im deep in despair!

Dear Doctor Rude,

I think I understand what a platonic kiss is, but could you
explain to me the difference between the following kisses?

Aristotelian kiss
Hegelian kiss
Wittgensteinian kiss
Godelian kiss

Signed,
Flummoxed in Florida

Dear Flummoxed,

Thats a very good question; nowadays most sex education courses focus on
secondary and tertiary sources, so much so that few people really get exposed
to the classics in this field any more. Ill try to make a brief but clear
summary of some of these important types of kisses:

Aristotelian kiss —
a kiss performed using techniques gained solely
from theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data
by one who feels that the latter is irrelevant anyway.

Hegelian kiss —
a dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates
its own antithikiss, forming a synthekiss.

Wittgensteinian kiss —
the important thing about this type of kiss is
that it refers only to the symbol (our internal mental
representation we associate with the experience of the kiss–
which
must necessarilly also be differentiated from the act itself for
obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same or even
similar for the different people experiencing the act) rather than
the act itself and, as such, one must be careful not to make
unwarranted generalizations about the act itself or the experience
thereof based merely on our manipulation of the symbology therefor.

Godelian kiss —
a kiss that takes an extraordinarilly long time, yet
leaves you unable to decide whether youve been kissed or not.

Now, this is by no means an exhaustive list–here are just a few other
classic kisses:

Socratic kiss —
actually really a Platonic kiss, but its claimed to be
the Socratic technique so itll sound more authoritative; however,
compared to most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander
around a lot more and cover more ground.

Kantian kiss —
a kiss that, eschewing inferior phenomenal contact, is
performed entirely on the superior noumenal plane; though you dont
actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it
the best kiss youve ever given or received.

Kafkaesque kiss —
a kiss that starts out feeling like its about to
transform you but ends up just bugging you.

Sartrean kiss —
a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even
though it really doesnt matter anyway.

Russell-Whiteheadian kiss —
a formal kiss in which each lip and
tongue movement is rigorously and completely defined, even
though it ends up seeming incomplete somehow.

Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss —
Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me.

Pythagorean kiss —
a kiss given by someone who has developed some new
and wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear
that others would find out about them and start using them.

Cartesian kiss —
A particularly well-planned and coordinated movement:
I think, therefore, I aim. In general, a kiss does not count as
Cartesian unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt
that one has been kissed. (cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded
movement involving greater nose-to-nose contact, but colder
overall.)

Heisenbergian kiss —
a hard-to-define kiss–the more it moves you, the
less sure you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the
more trouble you have figuring out how long it lasted. Extreme
versions of this type of kiss are known as virtual kisses because
the level of uncertainty is so high that youre not quite sure if
you were kissed or not. Virtual kisses have the advantage, however,
that you need not have anyone else in the room with you to enjoy
them.

Nietzscheian kiss —
she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust
stronger.

Epimenidian kiss —
a kiss given by someone who does not kiss.

Grouchoic kiss —
a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who
would not kiss him or her.

Harpoic kiss —
shut up and kiss me.

Zenoian kiss —
your lips approach, closer and closer, but never
actually touch.

Procrustean kiss —
well, suffice it to say that it is a technique
that, once youve experienced it, youll never forget it,
especially when applied to areas of the anatomy other than the
lips.

Doctor Rude

The Unnatural Enquirer, (C) 1992 by Trygve Lode (tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu)
May be reproduced and distributed freely in unmodified form on a
noncommercial basis provided this notice remains intact.

A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it.

Well, the patient said, I live in a trailer camp. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit.

Each afternoon she would take a hot dog from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then shed sit on it and have a ball.

She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. The other day I got under her trailer and when she slid the hot dog in the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was going just great until there was a knock at the door.

And then? asked the doctor.

Aw hell, the patient explained, Thats when she tried to kick it under the stove.