This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid
to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ. Finally one night, he
gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they
are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis. No
thanks, the girl says. You know I dont smoke.

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my penis I will keep, And if I wake and it is gone, I hope to find it on the lawn.

I hope the dog thats running free, Doesnt see that little part of me, Many precautions I must take, To keep this part I love to shake.

Much attention I must pay, To assure I put the knives away, The mower, chain saw, the hatchet too, Why theres no telling what shed do.

To rid me of my manly charm, I must keep it safe, away from harm, So I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes, and I cross my legs to avoid surprise!

Absent Minded: Opens his vest, pulls out his tie, and pisses in his pants.

Clever: Uses no hands, shows off by fixing tie with both hands, looks around for admiration, and sometimes ends up pissing on the floor and onto his shoes.

Cross-eyed: Looks into urinal on the left, pisses into the one in the center, and flushes the one on the right.

Desperate: Waits in a long time, teeth floating and feet shuffling. Starts to piss as he walks up to urinal but before he can unzip himself. Lets out a long groan and grunt as he finally gets to relieve himself.

Disgruntled: Stands for a while, grunts, gives up, and walks away.

Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand and pisses into his pants.

Easily induced: Any thought, mention, sight, or slosh of a liquid, from sipping coffee to a runny nose, causes bladder to immediately signal full condition.

Efficient: Waits until he has to crap, then does both at once.

Erect: Either because his bladder is full or he just saw a sexy woman, his penis is so erect that he must thrust his buttocks backward a bit to be able to pull his member out of his pants. Gets pubic hair caught up in his zipper.

Excitable: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find the hole, and ends up ripping his shorts or jamming the zipper into his shirttail.

Flashy: Tells loud jokes while pissing; shakes off drops with a great flourish.

Frivolous: Plays stream up and down and across the urinal. Likes to see how many bubbles he can make froth up. Tries to hit and sink the cigarette floating around in the water. Has never really grown up.

Indifferent: If all the urinals are being used, he goes into a toilet stall to piss. If all the toilet stalls are taken also, he pisses into the sink or garbage can.

Little: Stands on a box to piss into the urinal, falls in, drowns.

Nosey: Looks into the next urinal to compare himself with the other guys organ.

Patient: Stands very close for a long time waiting, reading the paper with his free hand.

Playful: Spots a friends shoes under the divider wall and redirects aim accordingly.

Scientific: Backs up from the urinal to take a long shot, misses, and pisses on shoes.

Slob: Does not bother to flush urinal after using it, drips all over his shoes and pants when zipping himself back up, and does not bother to wash hands as he leaves with his fly undone. Usually has to adjust his balls afterwards as he is sitting down.

Sneak: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, and knows that the man next to him will be blamed.

Sociable: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.

Timid: Cannot urinate if someone is watching, pretends to, and then flushes the urinal as if he has already used it. Sneaks back in once everyone has left the restroom.

Tough: Bangs dick against side of urinal to dry it.

Worried: Is not sure of what he has been into lately and makes a quick inspection.

Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, I dont know what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so Im stumped.

His buddy said, I have an idea – why dont you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it – shell probably be thrilled.

So the thats what Joe did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, Well? Did you take my suggestion?

Yes, I did, said Joe.

Did she like it? His buddy asked.

Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling Ill be back in an hour!!

A hospital patient, recovering from minor surgery, was being given an alcohol rubdown by two of the hospitals more attractive nurses.

While manipulating the mans body they noted that the word tiny was tattooed on the head of his penis.

Some months after the mans discharge, Mary, one of the nurses, tod Joan, the other, that she had dated their former patient.

How could you go out with a man that had tiny tattooed on his love stick? exclaimed Joan.

How could I indeed! said Mary. It said tiny when it was soft, but when aroused, it spelled:

Tinys Delicatessen & Catering Service. We deliver at all times, twenty-four hours a day!!!

Wifespeak/Translation

You want: You want

We need: I want

Its your decision: The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want: Youll pay for this later

We need to talk: I need to complain

Sure…go ahead: I dont want you to.

Im not upset: Of course Im upset, you moron.

Youre so manly: You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

Youre certainly attentive tonight: Is sex all you ever think about?

Im not emotional! And Im not over reacting!: Im on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights.: I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient: I want a new house.

I want new curtains: and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper….

I need wedding shoes: the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there: No, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise: I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me?: Im going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me?: I did something today youre really not going to like.

Ill be ready in a minute: Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat?: Tell me Im beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate: Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!?: [Too late, your dead.]

Yes: No

No: No

Maybe: No

Im sorry: Youll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe?: Its easy to fix, so youd better get used to it.

Was that the baby?: Why dont you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

Im not yelling!: Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All were going to buy is a soap dish: It goes without saying that were stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at few new pocketbooks, and, oh my god,theres a sale in lingerie, and wouldnt these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

In answer to the question Whats wrong?

The same old thing.: Nothing.

Nothing.: Everything.

Everything: My PMS is acting up.

Nothing, really.: Its just that youre such an asshole..

I dont want to talk about it.: Go away, Im still building up steam.

An ant is walking through the woods and comes upon a huge hole. At the bottom
of the hole is an elephant trying desperately to get out. Being
a compassionate sort, the ant calls down Say, Mr. Elephant, would you like some
help? The elephant, unable to get out by himself, quickly agrees. So the ant
backs his Mercedes up to the hole and throws a rope to the elephant. When everything
is tied off the ant jumps in the car and pulls the elephant out. The elephant
is very grateful and offers to return the favor some time.

Sure enough, a short time later the ant, stuck in a hole, sees the elephant
stroll by. He calls out for help to the elephant. We all know elephants
never forget, so Mr Elephant is more than happy to help the ant. He stands
over the hole and lowers his dick to the bottom. The ant walks right up the
giant penis and out of the hole. The ant thanks the elephant and the two
continue about their business.

The moral of the story is, If youve got a big dick, you dont need a Mercedes!

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you dont work enough, youre a good-for-nothing bum.



If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, its exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.



If you get a promotion ahead of her, its favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, its equal opportunity.



If you mention how nice she looks, its sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, its male indifference.



If you cry, youre a wimp.

If you dont, youre insensitive.



If you make a decision without consulting her, youre a chauvinist pig, you bastard.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, shes a liberated woman.



If you ask her to do something she doesnt enjoy, thats domination.

If she asks you, its a favor.



If you try to keep yourself in shape, youre vain.

If you dont, youre a slob.



If you buy her flowers, youre after something.

If you dont, youre not thoughtful.



If youre proud of your achievements, youre an egotist.

If youre not, youre not ambitious.



If she has a headache, shes tired.

If you have a headache, you dont love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.

On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wifes love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

Then next, maam, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut. The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us.

Well, all right, the doctor said. On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios. . .

Penis Length Survey

Men are notorious liars about their penis length, so I have devised the
following foolproof test.

Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the
rounded hollow on top of the 1 key. Rest your right testicle in the
key immediately below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably
something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to
use the A or even the Z key).
Grasp your thing in your right hand and slap it firmly across the
number key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is
1234567890-+ the backspace key removes the .)
Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a
distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your thing on the keyboard and stare intently
at the girl pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave the ground.
Repeat the above test.
Please post your results to net.general and Ill summarize to everyone
on the net by personal mail.

Cautions

Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.
Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard; or place
two keyboards end to end.
If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down
with alcohol first.
On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire
extinguisher handy, and DONT BE AFRAID TO USE IT.

Remember, Larry Bud Melman is not an attorney.

Incidentally, this test can also be used to diagnose some genital disorders:

Test Results Diagnosis

1 You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome

12367 You have a strange gap in your penis

12efgbn Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called Jerkers Lean.

12wgui,l=] Seek immediate medical care.

Copyright by Scott Turner, reproduced with permission.