I was watching a show on anthropology a while ago which stated that human males have the largest penis of all of the primates.
I remember thinking, Aha! That explains why we learned to walk upright: Just showing off.

The best of old postings from RHF are now also available in the new group rec.humor.funny.reruns.

The archives are also at http://comedy.clari.net/rhf/

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of the mans penis was much longer than the shaft.
After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason was to give the man more pleasure during sex.After the US published this study, France decided to do their own study. After spending $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded it was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Poland, dissatisfied with both their results, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost $74.46, they concluded it was to keep the mans hand from flying off and hitting him in the head.

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesnt tell you how to have sex
.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They dont force Beer on minors who cant think for themselves.

6. When you have a Beer, you dont knock on peoples doors trying
to give it away.

5. Nobodys ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over
his brand of Beer.

4. You dont have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

3. There are laws saying Beer labels cant lie to you.

2. You can prove you have a Beer.

1. If youve devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help
you stop.

Source: AFP

ANKARA (02-10) – A 52-year-old Turkish man was shot in the leg by his own son over his intentions to have a penis transplant from a donkey.

On two previous occasions Mehmet Esirgen, 52, purchased two donkeys, amputated their sexual organs and appealed in vain to medical doctors to perform a penis transplant in order to cure his sexual impotence.

His family, opposed to Esirgens intentions, became hysterical when he purchased a third donkey on his way home from Ankara and one of his sons shot him in the leg.

For a long time now I have had sexual problems and I have spent all my pension funds to overcome them, said Esirgen. He plans to buy a fourth donkey as soon as he recovers from his leg wound.

Our man Bob, has worked at the ballbearing factory in his home town, for the past fourty years without an accident. Suddenly one day everything went wrong, there was a huge explosion and the bulk of the factory is blown to bits.

The next day Bob finds himself in the hospital, wrapped in bandages and surrounded by loved ones. Just then the doctor walks in and tells Bob the bad news. Well, says the sawbones, I guess threres no easy way to tell you this son, but youve lost your penis. We did everything we could to save it but it was just too damaged.

Well, Bob lay silent for a few moments, and then asked: What the hell am I going to do now?

Not to worry, replied the doc, Ive got a drawer full of replacements, Ill simply graft one on after youve had a few weeks of rest.

So, a few weeks go by and Bob ends up at the doctors office. After a bit of small talk they get down to business.

Now Bob, says the doc, Ive got quite a few different penises here for you to look at, and each has a different price tag.

So the doctor opens the drawer in his file cabinet and there are some smallish penises in it.

Theyre pretty small, says Bob, if I have to pay for this I want the biggest and best youve got.

So the doc opens the second drawer of the cabinet and there are some penises that are a bit bigger than the first. How much for one of them, askes Bob.

These are the eight inchers, and they go for about eight hundred, says the doc.

I said, I want the biggest and best youve got. replies Bob.

The doc then jumps to the next drawer. These are the ten inchers, and they go for about one thousand dollars, he says.

Bob takes a good long look, then takes another look, and finally says, These are just about perfect, do have any in white?

A couple was playing golf and the husband hit his ball through the window of an expensive house. They go in and find a man sitting in a chair. They quickly begin to apologize but he cuts them off.
He says There is no need to apologize. I am a genie and the ball you hit has freed me from my prison. For that I will grant you one wish.
The couple agrees to wish for 2 billion dollars.
The genie then says, Okay when you go home you will have the money, but ask you one favor, may I have sex with your wife it has been so long since I had sex.I
The couple agrees and the genie and the wife go upstairs. After 30 minutes they come down.
The genie asks, How old is your husband?
The woman replies, 42.
And he still believes in genies?

There are so many programming languages available that it can be very
difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one for you.
On the other hand, most men know what kind of woman appeals to them. So here
is a handy guide for many of the popular programming languages that describes
what kind of women they would be if programming languages were women.
Assembler: A female track star who holds
all the world speed records. She is hard and bumpy, and so is
not that pleasant to embrace. She can cook up any meal, but
needs a complete and detailed recipe. She is not beautiful or
educated, and speaks in monosyllables like MOV, JUMP, INC. She
has a fierce and violent temper that make her the choice of last
resort.
FORTRAN: Your grey-haired grandmother. People make
fun of her just because she is old, but if you take the time to listen,
you can learn from her experiences and her mistakes. During her lifetime
she has acquired many useful skills in sewing and cooking (subroutine
libraries) that no younger women can match, so be thankful she is still
around. She has a notoriously bad temper and when angered will start
yelling and throwing dishes. It was mostly her bad temper that made
grandad search for another wife.
COBOL: A plump secretary. She talks far too much,
and most of what she says can be ignored. She works hard and long hours,
but cant handle really complicated jobs. She has a short and
unpredictable temper, so no one really likes working with her. She can
cook meals for a huge family, but only knows bland recipes.
BASIC: The horny divorcee that lives next door. Her
specialty is seducing young boys and it seems she is always readily
available for them. She teaches them many amazing things, or at least
they seem amazing because it is their first experience. She is not that
young herself, but because she was their first lover the boys always
remember her fondly. Her cooking and sewing skills are mediocre, but
largely irrelevant, its the frolicking that the boys like. The opinion
that adults have of Mrs. BASIC is varied. Shockingly, some fathers
actually introduce their own sons to this immoral woman! But generally
the more righteous adults try to correct the badly influenced young men
by introducing them to well behaved women like Miss Pascal.
PL/I: A bordello madam. She wears silk dresses,
diamonds, furs and red high heels. At one time she seemed very
attractive, but now she just seems overweight and tacky. Tastes change.
C: A lady executive. An avid jogger, very healthy,
and not too talkative. Is an good cook if you like spicy food. Unless
you double check everything you say (through LINT) you can unleash her
fierce temper. Her daughter C++ is still quite young
and prone to tantrums, but it seems that she will grow up into a fine
young woman of milder temper and more sophisticated character.
ALGOL 60: Your fathers wartime sweetheart, petite,
well proportioned, and sweet tempered. She disappeared mysteriously
during the war, but your dad still talks about her shapely form and their
steamy romance. He never actually tasted much of her cooking.
Pascal: A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60s
younger sister. Like her sister she is petite and attractive, but very
bossy. She is a good cook but only if the recipe requires no more than
one pot (module).
Modula II: A high-school teacher and Pascals
daughter. Very much like her mother, but she has learned to cook
with more than one pot.
ALGOL 68: Algol 60s niece. A high-society woman,
well educated and terse. Few men can fully understand her when she
talks, and her former lovers still discuss her mysterious personality.
She is very choosy about her romances and wont take just any man as her
lover. She hasnt been seen lately, and rumor has it that she died in a
fall from an ivory tower.
LISP: She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural
commune with her hippie cousins
SMALLTALK and FORTH: Many men
(mostly college students) who have visited the farmhouse enthusiastically
praise the natural food, and perpetual love-ins that take place there.
Others criticize the long cooking times, and the abnormal sexual postures
(prefix and postfix). Although these women seldom have full-time jobs,
when they do work, their employers praise them for their imagination, but
usually not for their efficiency.
APL: A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food. She
can cook delicious meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens of
people at each table. She doesnt talk much, as that would just slow her
work down. Few people can understand her recipes, since they are in a
foreign language, and are all recorded in mirror writing.
LOGO: A grade-school art teacher. She is just the
kind of teacher that you wish you had when you were young. She is
shapely and patient, but not an interesting conversationalist. She can
cook up delicious kiddie snacks, but not full-course meals.
LUCID and PROLOG: These clever
teenagers show a new kind of cooking skill. They can cook-up fine meals
without the use of recipes, working solely from a description of the
desired meal (declarative cooking). Many men are fascinated by this and
have already proposed marriage. Others complain that the girls work very
slowly, and that often the description of the meal must be just as long
as a recipe would be. It is hard to predict what these girls will be
like when they are fully mature.
Ada: A WAC colonel built like an amazon. She is
always setting strict rules, but if you follow them, she keeps her
temper. She is quite talkative, always spouting army regulations, and
using obscure military talk. You gotta love her though, because the army
says so.

Superman is bored fighting crime everyday. So one Friday night he decides to go out in the town to have some fun. He drops by Batmans house.

Hey Batman, he says Wanna go out tonight?

No I cant, replies Batman. The Batmobile is broken and I gotta stay home and fix it, or else I wont be able to fight crime.

You loser, says Superman and flies away. He decides to stop by Spidermans house. Hey, Spidy, how about hitting the town tonight, you and me, he says.

Id love to, but I cant, replies Spiderman. My web is broken and I gotta fix it to fight crime.

Superman, all disgusted says You loser. Stay home on a Friday night and fix your damn web.

So he flies away. While flying from up above he spots Wonder Woman stark naked and lying down on her back spread-eagle. Superman thinks, Hey, I am Superman, I can fly down there at the speed of light, have a quicky and fly back out and she wont even feel it.

Superman flies down, does a quick in-out-in-out and flies back out at the speed of light.

Wonder Woman says, What the hell was that? The Invisible man says, I dont know but my ass is killing me!

Two little old ladies who have a very weak eyesight go shopping one day.
After shopping a while, they decide to go to the rest room. Mistakenly,
they walk into the mens room instead of the ladies room. Two men who are
equally desperate to take a leak are standing on the urinals and about to
begin.

The two ladies walk in and the men not knowing what else to do, put their
backs against the wall and pretend that they are part of the rest-room
fixtures.

The first lady, mistaking one of the men for the sink, walks up to him and
pulls his penis a couple of times. The man looses control and lets go. She
then turns to the other one and says, Oh, My… you should try this one.
It has warm water!

The second lady replies, No dear, I think Ill stick with this one. It
not only has warm water, it dispenses liquid soap as well!

This was attributed to Julie Logan and Arthur Howard, who they are I
do not know.

Are you male or female?

Take this test and find out for sure

1. Aside from getting sterilized, your birth control options are:
a. one
b. almost a dozen

2. When parking your car in a public garage you:
a. toss your keys jauntily to the attendant
b. hand your keys over politely

3. You havent shaved in 4 days. The resulting stubble can be
construed as:
a. sexy
b. gross

4. At the doctors, a common request would be:
a. Cough.
b. Would you like to scoot down just a little more dear?

5. As a sporty person, you need athletic support with:
a. one cup
b. two cups

6. When youre feeling insecure, what you say to your best friend is:
a. nothing
b. Do I look fat?

7. Youve slept with several hundred people, one term used to describe
you would be:
a. sports legend
b. tramp

8. The age it hits home that junk food will devastate your body is:
a. 35
b. 14

9. When you hear the words hand wash, the first thing that comes to
your mind is:
a. your car
b. panty hose

10. Its the seventh game of the playoffs, bottom of the ninth, score
tied. Bases are loaded with 2 outs. The man at bat has a .311
average against southpaws, and the pitcher is a lefty. Your mate
turns to you and says, Do you want a back rub? You are:
a. too busy screaming at the TV to even hear the question
b. daydreaming

11. Your idea of basic pump is:
a. an athletic shoe made by Nike
b. a heeled shoe made by Fayva

12. Multiple Orgasms are something you:
a. give
b. get

SCORING

a = 1 point b = 2 points

0-12 Congratulations, you are a male. This means you have a greater
lean-muscle-to-fat ratio, earn most of the money, and a select
few of your sex can look forward to being president someday.

13-24 Congratulations, you are a female. This means you will live
longer, have your choice of wearing either pants or a skirt in
polite company and a select few of your sex can look forward to
being president someday.