Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo!

Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A. How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got
laid a minute ago.

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and . . . everything else was automatic!



Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldnt remove the instrument from his penis.



He read the manual but didnt find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.



Finally, the farmer decided to call the suppliers Customer Service Hot Line. Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cows udder?



Dont worry, replied the customer service rep, the machine was programmed to release automatically once its collected two gallons of milk.

Q: What did the penis say to the condom?

A: Cover me Im going in!

Ah, yes divorce…from the Latin word meaning to rip out a mans genitals through his wallet. – Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. – Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. – Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, My God, youre right! I never wouldve thought of that! – Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. – Jay Leno

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to womens breasts? – Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they dont put us in the front lines. They dont know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms. – Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. – Phyllis Diller

Theres a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So, whats the problem? – Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. – Elayne Boosler

Theres very little advice in mens magazines, because men dont think theres a lot they dont know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, I know what Im doing, just show me somebody naked. – Jerry Seinfeld

If you cant beat them, arrange to have them beaten. – George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, Im going to find a woman I dont like and give her a house. – Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, its not a desirable job.


But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. – Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. – Robin Williams

After a long day at the office the woman sat back in her seat on the train and waited for it to pull out of the station. Just then a middle-aged man settled into the seat next to her. All of a sudden the man sneezed loudly, before proceeding to unzip his trousers, wiping his penis with his hankerchief. Horrified, the woman edged away and buried her head in her book…



Just then he sneezed again. Once again he unzipped himself and wiped his penis. Now very uncomfortable, the woman glared at him in disgust… but he did it again… sneezed, unzipped his trousers and wiped his penis… the woman could not contain her herself any longer.





What on earth are you doing?! She cried…



The man looked embarrassed..





Well you see, he replied, I have this cold at the moment… every time I sneeze I have an orgasm





Oh dear! exclaimed the woman, that must be terrible… What are you taking for it







…Pepper he replied.

Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman wed built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as Im speaking, he was high as a kite, And he yelled to his team, but it didnt sound right.

Whoa S**thead, whoa A**hole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or Ill cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and dont hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jockeys, to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, and Ill just stay awhile

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santas next find, And six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several more things I shouldnt even mention.

A f**k ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil. This stuff aint for kids, Mrs. Santa will s**t, Do Ill leave em here, and then Ill just split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch, Saying, Take me home, Rudolf. This nights been a bitch!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about pussy is you cant wear it out!!

There are these 4 nuns who want to have a weekend off. So they ask the Mother Superior and she agrees so long as each nun confesses any sin the moment they return.

After the weekend the 4 nuns are in a line before Mother Superior ready to confess.

The first confesses to seeing a mans penis. The Mother tells her to go drink one sip of holy water and say 3 hail marys.

At this the last nun in the line starts giggling to the annoyance of everyone.

The second nun goes to the Mother and confesses to touching a mans penis. For this the Mother tells her to drink a glass of holy water and say 5 hail marys.

The last nun laughs even louder than before.

Trying to ignore the her, the third nun, approachs the Mother and confess to having sex with a man. For this the Mother sends the nun to bathe in the holy water.

The last nun is now writhing on the floor in hysterics.

The Mother has had enough and ask what the bloody hell she is laughing at, to which the nun replied I peed in the holy water.

(to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies theme song)
From CyberLaughs
Dere once was a story bout a man named Bill,
da poor president couldnt keep his willie still.
Then one day he was working at his desk
When in comes Monica and shows him her chest.

Boobs, that is. Two of em. Bodacious ta tas…
Yall kneel down now, ya hear?

Well da next ting ya know Monicas on her knees
Mouth open wide and happy as you please.
Bill says, Oh yeah dont say a ting
If you do a good job well have a fling.

Blow job, that is. White House scandal…

Well Bill lost his cool and he came upon her dress.
He said clean it up cuz you really look a mess.
And youre invited here to this locality,
to have a heaping helping of little Willie C.

Week after week Monicas on her knees
Keeping little Willie C as happy as you please.
Then one day she contains herself no more
She let out her story about being a White House whore.

Bad girl that is, blow jobs and bodacious ta tas…

Now we know loose lips sink ships and Monicas a whore.
Hillary is still a bitch, and Bill is still a bore.
The countrys in the toilet and the people cry No More!
But if we oust the cheating jerk we have to live with Gore.

Boob that is, one great big one. Got his head stuck in a tree…

So now you heard the story bout our Preserdent.
Wonderin if dis little fling will cost him every cent.
So da moral of da story is to do it quietly.
Dont lust for your interns sexual hospitality.

YALL CUM BACK NOW, YA HERE!!