For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

See if they can do it again.



For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Change the documentation

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Say its not supported

Change the documentation

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Tell them its a feature

Say its not supported

Change the documentation

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, thats the only time I have to work on my hair)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be winner! No purchase necessary.Details inside.
(Evidently, the shoplifter special)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be how … ?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestions: Defrost.
(But its *just* a suggestion)
On Tescos Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box) Do not turn upside down.
(Oops, too late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
(As night follows the day …)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldnt this save even more time?)
On Boots Childrens Cough Medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.
(One would hope)
On most brands of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
(I gotta admit, Im curious)
On Sainsburys peanuts: Warning: Contains nuts.
(NEWS FLASH,Hello!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet,eat nuts.
(Step 3: Fly Delta)
On a childs Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(I dont blame the company, I blame parents for this one)
On a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?)

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then Im against it.



But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then Im for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.

1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders

2. Instead of an hourglass icon youd get an empty beer bottle

3. Occasionally youd bring up a window that was covered with a hefty bag

4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa

5. Instead of ta-da the opening sound would be dueling banjos

6. The Recycle Bin in Winders95 would be an outhouse

7. Whenever you pulled up the sound player youd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling Freebird!

8. Instead of Start Me Up the Winders95 theme song would be Achy-Braky Heart

9. PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt

10. Microsofts programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Bishul C++

11. Winders95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag

12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word

13. Instead of latte carts wed have grits carts

14. New Shutdown wav: Yall come back now, Yah hear?

15. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called Cuz

16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans-Am

17. Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse

18. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver

19. Well, the first thing you know, old Bills a billionaire

20. Speadsheet software would include examples in inventory dead cars in your front yard

21. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator

22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates

23. Instead of asking where do you want to go today? its more like Hey mister, can I ketch a ridein the back?

24. Free eraser to erase the scribbble marks off the screen when using the NotePad

You insist that your boss call you Rowan Starchild because
otherwise youd sue for religious harrassment. (Score double for this
if you dont let that patronizing bastard call you Mr. or
Ms. Starchild.)

Youve ever confused the Prime Directive with the Wiccan Rede.

Youve ever cast a spell with twenty-sided dice.

You said it was bigotry when they didnt let you do that
ritual in front of city hall. It had nothing to do with the skyclad
bit.

You picketed The Craft and Hocus Pocus, but thought that the
losers who picketed The Last Temptation of Christ needed to get lives.

Youve ever publicly claimed to be an elf, alien, vampire,
faerie, or demigod, and been genuinely surprised when not everyone
took you seriously.

Youve ever publically claimed to be the reincarnation of
Gardner, Merlin, Aleister Crowley, King Arthur, Cleopatra, Morgana Le
Fay, or Jim Henson, and been genuinely surprised when not everyone
took you seriously.

Youve suddenly realised in the middle of a ritual that you
werent playing D&D.

Youve failed to realise at any point in the ritual that you
werent playing D&D.

Youve suddenly realised that you are playing D&D.

Your Book of Shadows is a rulebook for Vampire: The Masquerade
with notes in the margins.

Youve ever effected an Irish or Scottish accent and insisted
that it was real.

You talk to your invisible guardians in public. (Score double
if you save places for them in crowded restaurants) (Score triple if
you admit to having sex with them)

Youve ever claimed to have met the Vampire Lestat or
Dracula. (Score double if you got into a fight and escaped) (Score
triple if it was no contest)

Youve ever tried something you saw on Sabrina, The Teenage Witch.

Youve ever had to go along with someones ludicrous story
because it was twice as likely to be true than most of the crap you
spout.

You expect your employer to exempt you from the random drug
testing because of your religion.

Youve won an argument by referencing Drawing Down the Moon,
knowing damn good and well they havent read it either.

Youve ever referenced the Great Rite in a pick-up line.

Someone has had to point out to you that you do not enter a
circle in perfect love and perfect lust. (Score double if you
argued the point.)

You claim to be a famtrad (hereditary), but youre not. (Score
double if you had to tell people you were adopted to pull this off.)

You claim to be a descendant of one of the original Salem
Witches. (Score to a lethal degree if you dont get this one.)

Youve ever used tongue delivering the fivefold kiss. (score
double if you did it more than once.)

Youve ever used reincarnation as the intro for a pick up
line. (You may deduct this point if it worked.)

You think its perfectly reasonable to insist that, since
every tradition is different, and no one tradition is right, theres
no reason not to do things your way.

You request Samhain, Beltaine, and Yule off and then bitch
about working Christmas.

The thing that drew you to the Craft was the potential to
dance with naked members of the opposite sex.

You strip in a club like the one in Porkys under your craft
name, and consider it highly appropriate.

Youve ever been psychically attacked by someone who
conveniently held a coven position you crave, and suddenly had a
glimpse into their mind so you could see how evil they were.

Youve ever achieved position or influence in a coven by
sleeping with half of it.

You claim yourself as a witch because how early you were
trained by the wise and powerful such-and-such. Of whom nobody has
heard.

You complain about how much the Native Americans copied from
Eclectic Wiccan Rites.

Youre not a hereditary witch but you have a good disposition
to it because your ancestors (the ones before your german parents)
were Native American or Irish.

You dont know the difference between Irish and Scottish, and
you alternately claim to be both.

You think its your Pagan Duty to support the IRA, not because
of any political beliefs you might share, but because, damnit, theyre
IRISH.

You think the number of Wiccan books you own is far more
important than the number you have read, regardless of the fact that
most of your books are for beginners.

You hang out with people who each match at least fifteen of
these traits.

You recognize many of these traits in yourself, but this test
isnt about you. But, boy, its right about those other folks.

Copyright (c) 1997 by Cather Catalyst Steincamp

www.catalystpoint.org

Twas the night before Christmas,
and we, being Jews,
My girlfriend and me-
we had nothing to do.

The Gentiles were home,
hanging stockings with care,
Secure in the knowledge
St. Nick would be there.

But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town.

The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There werent any concerts to got to that night.
A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasnt a thing.

Outside the window sat two feet of snow;
With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below.
And while all I could do was sit there and brood,
My girl saved the night and called out CHINESE FOOD!

So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots
To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots.
We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down.
And boarded The T, bound for old Chinatown.

In search of a restaurant: Which one? Lets decide!
We chose Hunan Chozer, and ventured inside.
Around us sat other Jews, their platters piled high
With the finest of foods their money could buy:

There was roast duck and fried fake squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,)
Dried kosher beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,
Whole fish and moo shi and shrimp chow mee foon,
And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu …

When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,
We said: Skip the menu! and ordered it all.
And when in due time the food was all made,
It came to the table in a sort of parade.

Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,
And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls.
The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild,
And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.

So much piled up, one dish after the other,
My girlfriend and I couldnt see one another!
Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils,
While they handed us something that looked like two pencils.

We ate till we couldnt and drank down our teas
And barely had room for our fortune cookies.
But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood
When it said: Even if it was kosher, it was still Chinese food!.

And my girlfriend-well … she got a real winner;
Hers said: Your companion will pay for the dinner.

Our bellies were full and at last it was time
To travel back home and write some bad rhyme
Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak
About trying to refine our chopstick technique).

The MSG spun round and round in our heads,
As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,
As we carried our leftovers home through the night;
Good Yom Tov to all-and to all a Good Night!

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, What are you charged with?

Doing my Christmas shopping early, replied the defendant.

Thats no offense, said the judge. How early were you doing this shopping?

Before the store opened, countered the prisoner.

The 3 stages of man:

He believes in Santa Claus.

He doesnt believe in Santa Claus.

He *is* Santa Claus

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A: Frostbite.

What did the french fries dress up as for Halloween?

Masked potatoes.

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining
that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
While hes in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding
ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that youve gone away for the holidays.
Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While hes in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas.
Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy
when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that
say We hate Christmas, and Go away Santa.
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called
and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on
his way home.
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney.
Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
While hes in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as
he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldnt have missed that
last payment, and take off.
Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a
note that says, For The Tooth Fairy. 🙂 Leave another plate out
with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass
with a note that says, For Santa. 🙁
Take everything out of your house as if its just been robbed. When
Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, Well, well.
They always return to the scene of the crime.
Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and
corrections.
While hes in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santas sure to see
them. Go outside, yell, Ooh! Look! A deer! And hes got a red
nose! and fire a gun.
Leave Santa a note, explaining that youve moved. Include a map with
unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get
caught in it, and then explain that youre sorry, but from a distance,
he looked like a bear.
Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
Paint hoof-prints all over your face and clothes. While hes in
the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like
youve been trampled. Threaten to sue.
Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say,
This neighborhood aint big enough for the both of us.

Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders.
Instead of an hourglass icon youd get an empty beer bottle.
Occasionally youd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag.
Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-right or Naw.
Instead of Ta-Da!, the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.
The Recycle Bin in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.
Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player youd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling Freebird!
Instead of Start Me Up, the Winders 95 theme song would be Achy-Breaky Heart.
PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt.
Microsofts programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Vishul C++.
Winders 95 logo would incorporate Confederate Flag.
Microsoft Word would be just that: one word.
Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have KKK servers.
New Shutdown WAV: Yall come back now, heeah?
Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called Cuz.
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
Microsoft Office replaced with Micrsawft Henhouse.
Four words: Daisy Dukes Screen Saver.
Well, the first thing you know, old Bills a billionaire…
Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard.
Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator.
Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates.