Its customarily said that Christmas is done for the kids. Considering how awful Christmas is and how little our society likes children, this must be true.

– P.J. ORourke, Modern Manners, 1983.

A man wants to buy a pet for his girlfriend for Christmas, so he goes to a pet shop…

Hello, I was thinking of buying a pet for my girlfriend.



You came to the right place. How about a parrot?



I dont know, I was thinking of a more romantic animal.



It is not just a parrot. It is a singing parrot. He sings three different Christmas songs. LEt me show you.



The pet shop worker raises the parrots right foot and lights a match under it. The parrot sings, We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish.. The match is then removed. He then lights a match under the left foot. Dashing through the snow in a one horse opeen sleigh… The match is then removed.



The man enthusiastically says, Thats really neat. Let me hear the third song.



The pet shop worker then puts a lit match between the parrots legs. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..

SCHIZOPHRENIA…



Do you Hear What I Hear?



MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER…



We Three Queens Disoriented Are



DEMENTIA…



I Think Ill Be Home for Christmas



NARCISSISTIC…



Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me



MANIC…



Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets



and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and



Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and…..



PARANOID…



Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.



PERSONALITY DISORDER…



You Better Watch Out, Im Gonna Cry, Im Gonna Pout, Maybe



Ill tell you Why.



DEPRESSION…



Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.



OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER…



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



….(better start again)



PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY…



On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me



(and then took it all away).



BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER…



Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

During a busy Pre-Christmas day atSydney airport, a crowded flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long lineof inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. Heslapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and ithas to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "Im sorry sir.Ill be happy to try to help you, but Ive got to help these folks first, and Im surewell be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. HeSCREAMED, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have ANY idea who Iam?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public addressmicrophone. "May I have your attentionplease?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. We have a passengerhere at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity,please come to gate 17." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, theman glared at the airline agent, gritted his teeth and swore "Screw you." Without flinching, she smiled andreplied, "Im sorry, sir, but youll have to stand in line for that, too."

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said lookey thar up ahead, Earl, its a poll-ice roadblock!!Were gonna get busted fer drinkin these here beers!!Dont worry, Bubba, Earl said. Well just pull over and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.What fer?, asked Bubba.
Just let me do the talkin, OK?, said Earl.Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, You boys been drinkin?No, sir, said Earl. Wes on the patch!

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey! said the daughter.

Did it not taste good? her mother asked.

I dont know, the blonde said. It wouldnt sit still!

Dear Lee,

My Doctor and I went singing Christmas Carols last night … it was SO much fun!! He had a brand new song book that we used, with many new versions of old favorites. Some of our other friends came also: Alphonse and his voices Ned, Peter, Daniel, Grimace, June, and Butch/Bitch (hee hee, even his *voices* have voices!); Gringo (you remember Gringo?), but they wouldnt let him out of the jacket; and Nutty Nadine, along with a few others. Everyone was asking for you, wondering when youd be back … except for Nadine of course – she still says thats YOUR baby!

Heres a little preview for you from Dr. R. Terrycloths new songbook:

Schizophrenia:
Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality:
We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia:
I Think Ill Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

Mania:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and …
or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expenses

Borderline Personality:
Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire

Paranoia:
Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me

Personality Disorder:
You Better Watch Out, Im Gonna Cry.
Im Gonna Pout, then MAYBE Ill Tell You Why

Depression:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia.
All is Calm, All is Pretty Lonely

Obsessive Compulsive:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock…

Passive Aggressive:
On the First Day of Christmas My Mother Gave To Me… (And Then She Took it All Away!!)

Pretty neat, huh? Anyway, Ill be seeing you when your prescription runs out, Im sure!

santa singh finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and hes in serious financial trouble. Hes so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray.

Oh Bhagwan, please help me, Ive lost my business and if I dont get some money, Im going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto. Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

The Sardarji goes back to the synagogue. Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, Ive lost my business, my house and Im going to lose my car as well. Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!!

Back to the temple… My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me?? Ive lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I dont often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why wont you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarhi is confronted by the voice of the God: SARDARJI, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they werent going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.

Whats logic? asked Bubba.

The professor answered, Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?

I sure do, answered the redneck.

Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard, replied the professor.

Thats real good, the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house.

Impressed, the redneck shouted, AMAZIN!

And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.

Betty Mae! This is incredible!

Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual, said the professor.

Youre absolutely right! Why, thats the most fascinatin thing I ever heard of! I caint wait to take this here logic class.

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.

So, what classes are ya takin? he asks.

Math, history and logic, replies Bubba.

Cooter says, What in tarnation is logic?

Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?

No.

Youre a queer, aint ya?

You Play Too Much DOOM, When …

You attempt to change lanes on the freeway by strafing left.
You try to pull out your BFG9000 after someone cuts you off on your way to work …
You keep trying to pick things up by walking over them..
You eat the blue and green balls off the christmas tree
You feel lousy and look down for the status bar
You grab your kids backpack and cant believe its empty!?
Your desk at work is piled with paper because you refuse get too close to the recycle barrel.
The only way your wife can get your attention is to throw tomatoes at you.
Your PC boots straight into DOOM unless you press a key.
Your desk is wearing away right in front of the arrow keys!
You know for sure youve played to much when you try to look around the edges of your screen for the cyberdemon that got away.
You back-up your DOOM files daily.
You try to double click on every door in the house.
You use the alarm clock to tell you when to GO to bed.
Your seat cushion doesnt return to normal upright position.
You dress up as your favourite DOOM character for Halloween (and your friends still know who you are).
You will try to turn to get out of chair by moving the trackball in that direction before you stand up.
You wont go into rooms with a red carpet …
You expect every door to open up not in. (this can be quite painful sometimes)
You throw open the door to your house, jump backwards, and shoot your mailman.
When on your way to work you scan the streets for medkits and ammo.
Going to sleep you open the bedrooms door and instead of turning lights on, you fire a missile into the room.
Going into a room or getting off an elevator, you run in and out quickly to see what follows you out.
You dont worry so much about getting hurt, since youll probably pick up one of those blue spheres somewhere.
Watching someone come out of an elevator makes your mouse finger twitch.
You start side-stepping into rooms.
You push on walls, as you walk down the hall looking for secret entrances.
You reach for your chainsaw when your wifes cold gives her the sniffles.
You instinctively target trash cans while walking around campus/work.
You look for sniper spots above you when getting in an elevator.
You cant stop squinting as you walk around your house.
You think you can actually walk through walls.
The border and status area are burned into your monitor.
You know ALL the ID codes by heart.
You find jokes about playing too much DOOM funny.