Poze din categoria ‘Seasonal / Holiday’ Category

A deer hunters story

Poza publicata in [ Seasonal / Holiday ]

A friend of mine told me that his brother shot a nice 9-point buck this hunting season. While back at the farm one evening, his twin four year old nephews came for a visit. The uncle, being extremely proud of his prize deer, asked the boys if they would like to see it. They did. So they went down to the machine shed, where the buck was hanging for all to see.

The uncle stepped up to the door of the machine shed, and with his chest puffed out in pride, swung the door of the shed open.

Wow! exclaimed one of the boys. Look at that John Deere tractor!

And the two of them ran over to the tractor, completely ignoring the deer.

Needless to say, the uncles hunting partners are not letting him forget this. I heard a rumor that he is getting a toy John Deere tractor for Christmas this year.

Question and answer Christmas joke

Poza publicata in [ Seasonal / Holiday ]

Q: Olive?
A: Yeah, you know, Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names

What is a skeletons favorite musical instrument?

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What is a skeletons favorite musical instrument?

A trombone…

5 Counterproductive Pick-Up Lines

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5 Counterproductive Pick-Up Lines

1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.

2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized?

3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just cant hold it in.

4) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meet you between the holidays?

5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and Ill give you the meat.

Santa and the FAA (Federal Aviation Administration)

Poza publicata in [ Seasonal / Holiday ]

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolfs nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santas weight and balance calculations for the sleds enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in, fastened his seat-belt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santas surprise, a shotgun.

Whats that for? Santa asked.

The examiner winked and said, Well, Im not supposed to tell you this, but youre going to lose an engine during take-off.

New Policy on Twelve Days…

Poza publicata in [ Seasonal / Holiday ]

New Policy on Twelve Days



Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the Twelve Days of Christmas subsidiary:



The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance



Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated



The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French



The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.



The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order



The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one



The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement



As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching



Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps



Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year



Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line



Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days

Australian Olympic Questions Answered

Poza publicata in [ Seasonal / Holiday ]

Here are some of the classic questions that were asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and the witty answers that go with them. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower… Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much beer youve consumed… Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, its only three thousand miles, so youll need to have started about a year ago to get there in time for this October… Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: And accomplish what? Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us… Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
A: Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, peoples garages, and most national parks… Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Yes. At Christmas. Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
A: Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but well see what we can do when you get here. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: Nope, only on Tuesdays LOL. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: I love this one…there are no rattlesnakes in Australia. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face North and you should be about right. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but youll have to learn it first.

What is Love?

Poza publicata in [ Seasonal / Holiday ]

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year olds, What does love mean?

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldnt bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. Thats love.
– Rebecca, age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.
– Billy, age 4

Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.
– Karl – age 5

Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.
– Chrissy – age 6

Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you dont yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings.
– Samantha – age 6

Love is what makes you smile when youre tired.
– Terri – age 4

Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.
– Danny – age 7

Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.
– Emily – age 8

Love is whats in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.
– Bobby – age 5

If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.
– Nikka – age 6

Love is hugging, Love is kissing, Love is saying no
– Patty – age 8

When you tell someone something bad about yourself and youre scared they wont love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more.
– Matthew – age 7

There are two kinds of love. Our love. Gods love. But God makes both kinds of them.
– Jenny – age 4

Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.
– Noelle – age 7

Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.
– Tommy – age 6

During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasnt scared anymore.
– Cindy – age 8

My mommy loves me more than anybody. You dont see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.
– Clare – Age 5

Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.
– Elaine – age 5

Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.
– Chris – age 8

Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.
– Mary Ann – age 4

I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.
– Lauren – age – 4

I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her.
– Bethany – age 4

Love cards like Valentines cards say stuff on them that wed like to say ourselves, but we wouldnt be caught dead saying.
– Mike – age 8

When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.
– Karen – age 7

Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesnt think its gross.
– Ma rk – age 6

You really shouldnt say I love you unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.
– Jessica – age 8

Love is that first feeling you feel before all

Christmas

Poza publicata in [ Seasonal / Holiday ]

Positive Thinking for Christmas



Lately there’s been a lot of negative images and about Christmas conjured up. Usually it’s from TV, movies, books, and the Internet. This makes for a sad, dreary Christmas, just the opposite, as what it should be. To cheer up the dreariness, caused by these negatives, the following list should be used. First is listed the negative idea or image. Then is the positive thinking needed to replace those negatives. So with positive thinking everyone will have a Joyous and Happy Christmas Season.



1. Negative


On TV and in movies Santa Claus shown as a drunk being hauled of to jail.



Positive


Think of how easy it is to get a bicycle, instead of your usual lump of coal, by mugging Santa.



2. Negative


How Santa might not get to your house before morning, because of a blizzard.



Positive


How fast the sled and reindeer can fly with a 60 mile per hour tail wind.



3. Negative


Elfs going on strike and there are no toys in the stores to be given to you as presents.



Positive


The money you save by rewrapping the presents you received last year and giving as presents this year.



4. Negative


You are getting no presents because Santa is too fat to fit down the chimney.



Positive


Think of how the reindeers feel after pulling a fat guy around the world in one night.



5. Negative


Thinking of what strange things an old man is doing in your living room in the middle of the night.



Positive


Tape Santas visit and sell the tape as a video to a cable company that features New Rock Bands.



6. Negative


Grandma getting run over by a reindeer.



Positive


More presents for me.



7. Negative


Not getting presents, because the reindeers are sick and can’t pull the sled.



Positive


More deermeat for Santa.



8. Negative


How it’s really hard for Santa to get down the chimney with the fire burning full blast.



Positive


How easy it is for Santa to get up the chimney.



9.Negative


Santa and his reindeers getting shot down by a missile when coming into Canada from the North Pole.



Positive


Presents for the caribou.



10. Negative


How lonely Mrs. Claus gets with Santa away all Christmas Eve.



Positive


The one night a year to party with the Elfs.

The 12 bugs of Christmas – A software developers version

Poza publicata in [ Seasonal / Holiday ]

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
See if they can do it again.

For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say its not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Tell them its a feature
Say its not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.