Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.

On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,

The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,

Two leaking bubble lights,

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,

Three punctured ornaments,

Two leaking bubble lights,

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,

Four broken window candles,

Three punctured ornaments,

Two leaking bubble lights,

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,

Five chewed-up stockings,

Four broken window candles,

Three punctured ornaments,

Two leaking bubble lights,

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,

Six yards of soggy ribbon,

Five chewed-up stockings,

Four broken window candles,

Three punctured ornaments,

Two leaking bubble lights,

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,

Seven scraps of wrapping paper,

Six yards of soggy ribbon,

Five chewed-up stockings,

Four broken window candles,

Three punctured ornaments,

Two leaking bubble lights,

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,

Eight tiny reindeer fragments,

Seven scraps of wrapping paper,

Six yards of soggy ribbon,

Five chewed-up stockings,

Four broken window candles,

Three punctured ornaments,

Two leaking bubble lights,

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,

My wreath in nine pieces,

Eight tiny reindeer fragments,

Seven scraps of wrapping paper,

Six yards of soggy ribbon,

Five chewed-up stockings,

Four broken window candles,

Three punctured ornaments,

Two leaking bubble lights,

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,

Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed,

My wreath in nine pieces,

Eight tiny reindeer fragments,

Seven scraps of wrapping paper,

Six yards of soggy ribbon,

Five chewed-up stockings,

Four broken window candles,

Three punctured ornaments,

Two leaking bubble lights,

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,

Eleven unwrapped presents,

Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed,

My wreath in nine pieces,

Eight tiny reindeer fragments,

Seven scraps of wrapping paper,

Six yards of soggy ribbon,

Five chewed-up stockings,

Four broken window candles,

Three punctured ornaments,

Two leaking bubble lights,

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,

A dozen puppy kisses…

And I forgot all about the other eleven days.

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and
acquisitions, It was announced today at a press conference
that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source
said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years,
ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed
that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and
eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides.
By combining forces, were told, the world will be able to enjoy
consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of
Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs
are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the
hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the
dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming
unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to A
great miracle happened there, the message on the dreydl will be the
more generic Miraculous stuff happens. In exchange, it is believed
that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising
resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the
sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years
was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies
for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last
year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared
happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of
Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that,
were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between
Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the
holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help
to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference
by leading all present in a rousing rendition of Oy, Come All Ye
Faithful.

Im sending this card to tell you

That taxes have taken away

The things that I really needed –

My workshop, my reindeer, my sleigh,

Now Im making my rounds on a jackass,

Hes old, hes crippled, hes slow,

So youll know if I dont see you at Xmas,

Its cause Im out on my ass in the snow.

Twas da night befo Christmas and all in the hood, Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good.

The tube socks was hung on the window sill and we all had smiles up on our grill.

Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib in the back bedroom, cuz thats how we live.

And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine, had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine.



All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by, Bumpin phat beats cuz the systems fly.

I bounced to the window at a quarter pas Bout ready to pop a cap in somebodys ass!

well anyway….



I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this! She said, Stop frontin & just mind yo bidness.

I said, for real doe, come check dis out.



We werent even buggin, no worries, no doubt. Cuz bumpin an thumpin from around da way

Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh.



Da beats was kickin, da ride was phat I said, Yo red Dawg, you all that!

He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz, Ay yo, give it up, lets make some noise!

To the top of the projects & across the strip mall, We gots ta go, I got a booty call!



He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof, and sippin on a 40, he busted a move.



I yelled up to Santa, Yo aint got no stack! he said, Damn homie, deese projects is wack!

But dont worry black, cuz I gots da skillz

I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz.

Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.

He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat, and busted the window wit a b-ball bat.



I said, Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?

he said,You best get on up out my face!

His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,

His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old.



He dropped down the duffle, Bulls logo on the side.

Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.

A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,

He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof

He jumped in his hooptie wit rims made of chrome,

To tap that big booty waitin at home.



And all I heard as he cruised outta sight, was a loud and hearty…..

WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!

1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, See mom, I told you they wouldnt notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing.

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, Im thankful I didnt get caught and refuse to say anything more.

3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your shake back to the table. Announce that its the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake

4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.

5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dads not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV.

6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.

15. Miracle and a Quickie on 42nd Street — A Times Square Christmas

14. Spike Lees Get On the Sleigh



13. Van Damme IS Santa Claude



12. Michael Jackson stars in Im Dreaming of a White Christmas



11. The Deep II — A Chappaquiddick Holiday with Uncle Ted



10. Theres No Santa Claus, Charlie Brown



9. The spoiled brats ask for the moon and Santa delivers, in Naked Buns II



8. Mickey Rooney & Andy Rooney in Grumpy Old Elves



7. Ross Perot as the autistic elf in Reindeer Man (Of course, Id be an excellent President.)



6. Its a Wonderful Life, My Ass — Pass the Malt Liquor



5. Steven Segal IS MissleToe



4. Jane Fonda, Julia Roberts and Elizabeth Shue in Ho, Ho, Ho!



3. Hes got a red nose and an Uzi. And hes about to teach them some new reindeer games in Rudolph II — First Blood



2. Blazing Saddles 2 — How the Stench Stole Christmas



1. No, YOU Open It! — A Ted Kaczynski Christmas

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop.. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because were leaving.

The mother went into the living room and told her son, We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language.

Two house later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip.

For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.

Sent to me by a Guamanian friend …

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM GUAM

Tis the night before Christmas
and Santas relaxed.
Guams surf is up–
Santas surf board is waxed.

The Zories are hung
by the Aircon with care,
And the Kiddies all know
Santa soon will be there.

Once the tide goes out,
and hes through hangin ten
Hell stop to see Barbara,
and Charlie, and Ben.

A snacks been prepared
by Becky and Sam.
Its that old island favorite:
Tortillas and Spam.

After giving out presents,
for his surfboard hell reach.
Santas parting remark will be
Back to the Beach!

Hell join all those tourists
who visit for fun.
When it comes to vacations,
he says, Guams number one!

And youll hear him exclaim
ere he boogies away:
Merry Christmas to all,
And to all, Hafa Adai!

Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer …

Translation: Rudolph was a four-hooved ungulate,

Original: Had a very shiny nose …

Translation: Who, incidentally, possessed a nasal appendage of a maroon lustre.

Original: And if you ever saw him …

Translation: Consequently, if circumstances were to present themselves that he ever came into your view,

Original: You would even say it glows …

Translation: You would most undoubtedly remark at to its illuminary qualities.

Original: All of the other reindeer …

Translation: The multitude of other members of the population in his ecological community,

Original: Used to laugh and call him names …

Translation: Had previously teased, chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms – the objective of which was to lower his self-esteem and make him miserable.

Original: They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games …

Translation: They also excluded him from participation in leisure activities consistent with their species.

Original: Then one foggy Christmas eve …

Translation: However, on the twenty-fourth of December in an unspecified year …

Original: Santa came to say …

Translation: A mythological, supernatural being inherent to western culture (who symbolizes the Christmas attitude and allegedly brings gifts to children) arrived through the super-saturated, humid air.

Original: Rudolph, with your nose so bright …

Translation: He formally invited Rudolph, due to his extraordinary nasal characteristic.

Original: Wont you guide my sleigh tonight?

Translation: To stand at the forefront of his snow vehicle with the express purpose that he navigate through the nocturnal mist.

Original: Then all the reindeer loved him …

Translation: At that point, the multitude of other members of the population in his ecological community who had previously teased, chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms, reversed their disposition toward Rudolph to a more congenial, amicable relationship.

Original: And they shouted out with glee …

Translation: They consequently exclaimed with great exaltation and fervor,

Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer …

Translation: Rudolph, the antlered mammal with a maroon nasal appendage,

Original: Youll go down in history!

Translation: You shall most certainly be recorded in the annals of time, and your memory will be preserved for posterity!

[Thanks to Mary Campbell]