HOW THE AMERICANS WITH DISABILITIES ACT STOLE CHRISTMAS

by Paul Edwards
Twas a while before Christmas when Santa Claus said,
Now the ADAs passed, Ive a pain in my head.
It used to be easy to hire the elves
Who made all the toys and who stocked all the shelves.
Then the time came when the Congress did say
That I had to be careful about who I pay.
So I went and got Rudolph to pilot my sleigh.
He was racially different, so that was okay.
I used to hire men elves but that had to stop.
I had to let women elves into the shop.
Then Buddhists and Muslims and Croats and Jews
Became part of the mix from which I had to choose.
And just when it seemed I had got used to all
Then the ADA passed and it changed every call.
Before I was forced to hire folks from all nations
But now I am told to make accommodations!
Who understands all that the new law demands?
You must hire consultants! Put yourself in their hands!
And the first thing they do with a gleam in their eyes
Is to measure to see that the workplace complies
With the myriad measurements needed and wanted.
And then as if that didnt leave one quite daunted,
They ask to see each of the jobs that I fill
And express consternation at my lack of skill.
No, no, they opine as they look at each task,
You demand for each job what you simply cant ask!
Then much to my horror, they quietly say:
Rewrite every job or you surely will pay!
Then round my poor workshop they frantically caper
Clutching their tape measures, ogling each paper!
They measure the steps and they measure the door
And they mumble and grumble and total the score.
Every nook and each cranny gets measured with glee!
Then, with obvious joy, they report back to me!
Youre not in compliance, dear Santa, they say;
You must make many changes and starting today
You must change every practice you currently use
Rebuild every workshop and change who you choose.
We dont say that anyone has to be fired!
You can keep all the elves who youve currently hired!
But choosing the next elf you need for the shop
You must change every practice; this nonsense must stop!
You must ask every elf-person here to apply
Only orthodox questions, and, Santa Claus, try
Not to ask about handicaps, thats not allowed!
You must ask the same questions to all in the crowd.
There is some good news; dont go into a funk
You dont have to hire elves who are constantly drunk.
But do not reject yonder bibulous elf
If he says hes reformed, and is curing himself.
Every child in the land would be properly shocked
If Santa Claus found himself called to the dock.
So alter your factory, change every plan
And remove the impediments quick as you can!
The children expect it and so does the law.
And you can afford it! We noticed with awe
All the toys you produce and the money you make!
You will never regret all the trouble you take.
Oh, by the way, Santa, we couldnt help see
All your dolls are unblemished and clearly a. b.
Make blind dolls and deaf dolls and crippled ones too
That reflect population dispersion thats true!
And Santa, we noticed with mortified shock
That your toys may discriminate; jettison stock
You cannot produce a toy, Santa Claus dear
That talks and says things that a deaf kid cant hear.
And all of those toys with a visual display
Leave blind people out, so theyre just not okay!
The cars and the trucks that go fast when you race them
Exclude all the children who simply cant chase them!
And Santa Claus said, as he drove out of sight:
Let the parents give presents, Im off to get tight.
So the fear of the courts and that someone would sue
Managed to do what the grinch couldnt do!
No sleigh bells youll hear on this Christmas Eve night
Merry Christmas to all who continue the fight.

Why dont skeletons ever go out on the town?

Because they dont have any body to go out with…

All I want for Christmas is:

14K Gold Lexus
Paprika
TV show Cops to do a bust on the neighbors
Coupon for a 30-minute lobotomy
Godfather, Part 8 coming to a theater near you
Mount Vernon
2-liter bottle of Ginger Ale
Five tickets to last years Superbowl game
Janet Renos autograph
My family to leave the country

Whats a vampires favorite fast food?

A guy with very high blood pressure…

Because 24 hours isn’t enough, the Emergency Nurses Association is proud to announce that we have officially extended Emergency Nurses Day® on October 10, 2001 to an entire week-October 7 – 13, 2001.

MEMO TO ALL EMS PERSONNEL

To: All EMS Personnel

From: Chief of Operations

Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
Stroke patients are NOT Charlie Carrots. Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or hamburger helper. Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like negative vehicle to vehicle interface or terminal deceleration syndrome.
HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not glow worms.
Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered pharmaceutically gifted.
Gunshot wounds to the head are not trans-occipital implants.
The homeless are not urban outdoorsmen, nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a PVC Challenge.
And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being paws up, ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)

Chuckles Of Choice Web Site

http://www.chucklesofchoice.com/

A Calculus Carol

written by: Denis Gannon (1940-1991)

sung to the tune of Oh, Christmas Tree

Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
How tough are both your branches.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
To pass what are my chances?
Derivatives I cannot take,
At integrals my fingers shake.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
How tough are both your branches.

Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your theorems I cant master.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
My Proofs are a disaster.
You pull a trick out of the air,
Or find a reason, God knows where.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your theorems I cant master.

Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your problems do distress me.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Related rates depress me.
I walk toward lampposts in my sleep,
And running water makes me weep.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your problems do distress me.

Oh, Calculus; Oh,Calculus,
My limit I am reaching.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
For mercy Im beseeching.
My grades do not approach a B,
Theyre just an epsilon from D.
Oh, Calculus; Oh,Calculus,
My limit I am reaching.

Twas the night before Christmas

And all through the house

Not a creature was stirring,

Not even a mouse.



Cuzz the cat had pounced on him

And tore him apart –

Ate his mouse intestines

And chewed up his heart.



Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,

Which made him take pause –

He stopped daintily licking

The blood from his claws.



Must be Santa, thought Kitty

(That quite clever cat)

Cuz nobody else climbs down

The chimney like that.



Indeed it was ol Santa

So jolly and fat

With a huge load of presents

And all for the cat!



Wow, the best Christmas ever!

Kitty thought with a purr,

Then he coughed up a hairball

And shed some more fur!

Its a simple feat to format and reuse AOL disks… but with a little imagination, a truly useful purpose can be found for those pesky white platters invading our mailboxes and magazines.

Mini cutting board (great for the office or the car, use metal door for knife).
Attach it to a ruler and presto! – youve got a fly swatter.
Construct a life size replica of Stonehenge.
At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg.
Money clip (use the metal door and discard the plastic case… the rich nerd look is IN this year).
Eye patch (for one-eyed software pirates).
Christmas ornaments (the more the merrier).
Give them to young children to use as building blocks.
Glue them to the bottom of the space shuttle and use them as re-entry burn tiles.
Dentures (melt & form them into new teeth for grandma).
Room dividers for hamsters.
Drink coasters.
Use multiple disks to create an ideal door stopper.
Ice scraper.
Bathroom tile.
Bookmark.
Mini frisbee.
Air hockey puck.
Dog chew toy.
Dart board.
Pooper scooper.
Grill scraper.
Use them for karate board-breaking demonstrations (save a tree).
Wrist slicer – after receiving first AOL bill (use metal door).
Conversation piece for coffee table.
Destroy them – smash, burn, or run over to relieve stress.
Light switch cover.
Chinese throwing stars (tape 2 together).
Clay pigeons for target practice.
Greeting card (bind two together at one end).
Halloween treat (give them away all night long).
Bullet proof vest (arrange together in triple thickness).
Firewood.
Bird house.
Paper weights.
Pen holders (make a box without a top).
Post-it notes holder.
Refrigerator magnet (glue a magnet to the back).
A very sturdy base for putting the motorcycle sidestand on when parking on soft surfaces.
Keep em in the trunk for extra traction in the snow.
Solar Eclipse Glasses (open door and look through disk at the sun/moon – actually works).
Placing one in each back pocket helps children who get paddled by the coach. This spreads the force to a wider area.
Make an AOL disk & pasta casserole.
Incense burners (put stick in hole of disk hub and light the incense).
Bug Shield (glue a bunch to the front of your cars hood).
Put them on car windshields at the mall (along with this list).
Melt the plastic of the disks into a giant sculpture.
Hand them out as party favors.
Hidden/spare key holder (crack open one side, insert key and then place near door. Completely safe… who would want an AOL disk?).
Vertical blinds.
Be an AOL diskette surgeon and disect a diskette.
Bench press weights (I can press 120).
Grind em up and refertilize the front lawn.
The new Dominos stuffed-crust pizza filling.
Tell the kids to leave warm milk & AOL disks for Santa.
Brake shoes.
House insulation.
Recycle them for the scrap metal.
Kitchen tile for Bill Gates new mansion in Seattle (walk all over the competition).
Hockey Puck.
Add water and special plant life to make a Chia-Disk.
Noise maker for your bike spokes (why damage your valuable baseball cards).
Put one on a leash and drag it along as you walk… makes the perfect pet.
Poker chips.
Baseball practice (throw them up in the air and hit them with the bat).
Keychain (Put a key ring through one of the write-protect holes and youve got a snappy executive bathroom keychain for the office).
Mail to 10 friends – start an AOL chain-letter (add a disk with each link).
Earmuffs (glue some fur on one side, then attach a U-shaped piece of bent coathanger to both disks).
Grind them up to make fake snow.
Earrings (put loop into write-protect hole).
Dental floss (use actual disk).
Use them for zipper pulls (instead of ski lift tickets).
When your collection of disks reaches 52, use them for a deck of cards.
Use them to fill potholes.
Hood ornament.
Snow blower replacement blades.
Put them in your shirt pocket to make you look smart.
Make two stacks of 10 and use them as heels for platform shoes.
Rubiks cube case (make into box).
Shipping material (keeps your photos from being bent in the mail).
Protect your table from burns caused by hot pots and pans.
Snack trays (great for holding hors doeuvres at parties).
Give them as stocking stuffers to all those people who get you mad.
Fly paper (use actual disk and put string through middle, hang 2 apart and apply honey to disks).
Pocket protector (gee Gilbert I really like your new pocket protector – thanks, Lewis).
They make a *dandy* addition to a #$*+&% neighbors back yard. Better yet, get them to actually install it on their computer.
Use them as elbow and knee pads.
Wax scraper for snowboards.
Use them to decorate your aquarium and create Computer City under water.
Tape a few together and use them as a mouse pad.
Collect a large mass and detonate a supernova.
A wind clacker (similar to a wind chime).
Soap dish (remove metal to prevent rusting).
Row markers for your vegetable garden. (carrots, beans, peas…).
Makes the perfect dance floor for your ant colony.
Bread roller (use actual disks and put rod through center-use about 100).
Hot glue gun resting/protecting pad.
Baby mobile.
Fence (may need a few thousand).
Toe tags for mortuaries. Great for identifying dead computer nerds.
Wonderbra inserts for that Madonna-techno look.

It was de night jus right befo Christmas an all down de bayou, errytang was quiet; not even a nutria go pitty pat in de waduh. An inside my house, me an my wife was flat poop out from all dat Christmas preparatin, an was jes bout ready to retire for de night. Le petit garcon an la petite fille, dat is our little boy an our little girl, was already fas asleep on dere moss mattress an visions of de Fais Do Do dance tru dere heads, dem lil darlins. Dem long john was hung by de log burner wit care in hope dat St. Nicholas soon would brought hisself dere … Now dat de scene is set, Quest-ce qui se passe?

Well, out dere on de bayou dere arose such a clatter, I jump from my bed to see what was de matter. I run like de rabbit to got to de door, an I trip on de dog an fall on de floor. But, when I got dere finally, an push away de sack an peek tru de crack an look in de far away, what you tought I saw! Well, you can tought youself again cause you aint goin believe dis, no! De moon, she was magnifique how she shine on de cypress tree an reflect off de bayou. An coming right up to me at my house was dis great big fancy pirogue being drewed along by eight great big ole alimagator! Inside, a little old driver in Santa Claus costume was movin along like some crawfish done snuck up his culottes. Fas like de duck he fly, an call out to his alimagator like so: Got yourself a move on, Alphonse, Gaston, Raul, Pierre. You see, he call dem each by name. Come on, Etienne, Alois, Alcide, an Bozo. Ill make soup out you tail if you dont got yourself a move on! You is some slow alimagator, yeah!

Well, its up on de rooftop dem alimagator dey climb; Saint Nick, in his pirogue, hes right behind. An up on de rooftop, it sound like de hail when dem big alimagator dey flop down dere tail! As I tought in my head, What is he up dere for?, down the chimney Santa Claus come wit a bang and land right on dem red hot coal in de fireplace! Man, he got out dat fireplace some fast, I guarantee! An, I got to see Santa Claus, an I check him out pretty good cause you dont got to see him in you house, you know, jus erry day! He was all dress up in dried muskrat from his head to his foot, an his clothes was all mess up wit ashes an soot. A sack full of playting he had on hung his back; he look like a peddler what was jus about ready to open up his pack. He had a broad grin an a round little belly dat shook when he laugh like a bowl full of jelly. His eyes, how dey shine; his dimples how merry! He look like he bin drinking de wine from de blackberry. Wit a wink of his eye an a jerk of his head, I guarantee you I know I aint got nuttin to be fraid of, no! Well, he went fast to his work an fill dem long john wit erreyting what you could tought of an, when he fini, he lay both hand on top his head; he look at dat fireplace and done said, Wit all dat fire an dem red hot coal, I aint going back dat way, dats for sure! So, its right out de front door he go. He climb up on de roof and sprung to his pirogue an crack his big whip. Dem big alimagator, dey move out an not one make a slip. An I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight, an dis is what I want to pass along to you, dis lesson what I learn from what happen to me like Im told you from las year; I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight, Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night!

In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early

weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is

one, you should be sure to email your Mom.

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an

afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and

humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe

squall or cold shoulder.


During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a

knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation

of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift

across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots

on the other. Please pass the gravy.


A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for

the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the

beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and

taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the

refrigerator.


Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat

sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be

expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup

late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup

develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as

the only wish left will be the bone.