A woman desperately looking for work goes to the Tickle Me Elmo Factory. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets that he has no jobs worthy of her skills. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything.

The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the Tickle Me Elmo assembly line. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in at 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 theres a knock at the Personnel Managers door. The Tickle Me Elmo Assembly Line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After listening to his screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to Kingdom Come. Right at the end of the line is the woman he had hired. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmos legs.

The Personnel Manager starts laughing hysterically and finally after several minutes of rolling laughter he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: Im sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, And what starting salary were you looking for?

The Engineer said, In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.

The interviewer said, Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years-say, a red Corvette?

The Engineer sat up straight and said, Wow! Are you kidding?

And the interviewer replied, Yeah, but you started it

Sung to the tune of American Pie
A long, long week ago
I can still remember how the market used to make me smile

What Id do when I had the chance
Is get myself a cash advance
And add another tech stock to the pile.

But Alan Greenspan made me shiver
With every speech that he delivered

Bad news on the rate front
Still Id take one more punt

I cant remember if I cried
When I heard about the CPI
I lost my fortune and my pride
The day that NASDAQ died

So bye-bye to my piece of the pie
Now Im gettin calls for margin
Cause my cash accounts dry

Its just two weeks from a new all-time high
And now were right back where we were in July

Were right back where we were in July

Did you buy stocks you never heard of?
QCOM at 150 or above?
Cos George Gilder told you so

Now do you believe in Home Depot?
Can Wal-Mart save your portfolio?
And can you teach me whats a P/E ratio?

Well, I know that you were leveraged too
So you cant just take a long-term view

Your broker shut you down
No more margin could be found

I never worried on the whole way up
Buying dot coms from the back of a pickup truck
But Friday I ran out of luck

It was the day the NAAAASDAQ died

I started singin
Bye-bye to my piece of the pie
Now Im gettin calls for margin
Cause my cash accounts dry

Its just two weeks from a new all-time high

And now were right back where we were in July
Yeah were right back where we were in July

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire Departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely! As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the companys secret files.

From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyones amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before. After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.

After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said – The first thing were going to do is fix the blasted brakes on that truck!

Alright, Stupid Office Tricks 2004. Let us know your scores. NO CHEATING. CONTACT US with detailed scoring. We will post the highest scores and comments on the main page in a few weeks. Good Luck!

One-Point Gags

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· Ignore the first five people who say good morning to you.

· In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out Yahtzee!

· Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, Sorry, I really prefer it this way.

· Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, Just called to say I cant talk right now. Bye.

· Run one lap around the office at top speed.

· To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

· Walk sideways to the photocopier.

· When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!

· While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

Three-Point Gags

————————-

· Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, Did you get all that, I dont want to have to repeat it.

· Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a non-player within sight).

· Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

· Say to your boss, I like your style and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.

· Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Five-Point Gags

———————-

· After every sentence, say mon in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, The reports on your desk, mon. Keep this up for one hour.

· Announce to everyone in a meeting that you really have to go do number two.

· At lunch time get down on your knees and announce As God as my witness, Ill never go hungry again.

· At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra 3 points if you actually launch into it yourself).

· Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, Ya wanna trade?

· Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, I cant talk about it.

· Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

· For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as Bob.

· Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

· In a colleagues diary, write in 10:00 am See how I look in tights.

· In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!

· Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:

Do you hear that?

What?

Never mind, its gone now

· Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, not now and walk away.

· Walk into a very busy persons office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

· While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

· While talking to a colleague, pick your nose.

November 22, 1996 – Any More Complaints? The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle, usually done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?

Without missing a beat the controller replied, Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth.
*************************
November 15, 1996 – What the…?! PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said Tower, this is United 586. Weve got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first.

The tower promptly cleared PSA fortakeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.
*************************
November 8, 1996 – Which Exit Did You Say That Was? A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too high…San Jose

Tower: American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.
*************************
November 1, 1996 – Ouch! Western Airlines had a term for its second officers. The term was GIB, and stood for Guy In Back. The term was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management at Western. It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had made the discovery that a gib is a castrated tomcat.
*************************
October 11, 1996 – What Is That Thang? It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City…

KC Approach: Malibu three-two-Charlie, youre following a 727, one oclock and three miles.

Three-two-Charlie: Weve got him. Well follow him.

KC Approach: Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven oclock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?

Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl) Well… Ive got something down there. Cant quite tell if its a Malibu or a Chevelle, though.
*************************
September 6, 1996 – Mmmm-mmm, Good! Tower: Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.

Eastern 702: Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure… by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.

Tower: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7… did you copy the report from Eastern?

Continental 635: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff… and yes, we copied Eastern and weve already notified our caterers.
*************************
June 28, 1996 – No, Thats not what I Said! OHare Approach Control: United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one oclock, 3 miles, eastbound.

United 329: Approach, Ive always wanted to say this… Ive got that Fokker in sight.

After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood, the mailman was going to retire. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!

When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cups bottom edge.

All of this was just too wonderful for words, he said; But whats the dollar for?

Well, she said, last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; Screw him. Give him a dollar. The breakfast was my idea!!

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but Im glad she slapped him. The General manager is setting there thinking: I didnt know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadnt missed him when she slapped and hit me! The young woman was sitting and thinking: Im glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him! The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: Life at Boeing is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!!!!!

These are responses you may use when caught slepping on the job:

They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me.

Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!

I wasnt sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.

I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.

I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress.

Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

The coffee machine is broken…

Someone mustve put decaf in the wrong pot…

… in Jesus name. Amen.

Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldnt you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.
The cop walked up to the window and said, You know how fast you were going BOY?!?

Bob thought for a second and asked, Uhhh, over 55?

93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!

But if you already knew, replied Bob, Why did you ask me?

Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, Thats speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine! The cop took a good look at the Bob and said, You dont even look like you have a job! Why,… Ive never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!

Bob recanted, Ive got a job! I have a good, well paying job!

The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?

Im an asshole stretcher!!! replied Bob.

What you say, BOY?!? asked the patrolman.

Im an asshole stretcher!!!

Of course the cop asked, What does an asshole stretcher do?

Bob explained, People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until its six feet across.

The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole ?

Bob nonchalantly commented, You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!