Old and New Jokes

Q: How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there.
Note: topical to the Falkland Islands war.

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

One day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically, the blonde responds to her husband, Shut up… youre next.

Llega un tipo a casa de su compadre y le dice compadre, vamos a casar un león, el mas grande para que me den un premio.

Y el otro compadre le dice Ahorita no, tengo cosas que hacer.

Se va el compadre y a la entrada de la montaña ve un león grandísimo, le dispara una vez y nada, otra y nada y el león se va sobre él, y el señor empieza a correr. En una de esas el león se resbala y cae al suelo, y el señor sigue corriendo y el león se vuelve a resbalar y, se resbala otra vez mientras persigue al señor, hasta que el señor se sube a un árbol.

A los tres días regresa y le dice a su compadre lo que pasó: que el león mientras lo perseguía se resbalaba, y le dice el compadre:

¿Y usted que hizo?

Yo me subí a un árbol.

¡Coño, compadre, yo en su lugar me hubiese cagado!

Y el otro le dice:

¡PUES CON QUÉ CREES QUE SE RESBALABA EL LEON!

A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.

On the paper there was a single line which simply said: Is this a question? – Discuss.



After a short time he wrote: If that is a question, then this is an answer.



The student received an A on the exam.

Jessica was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates… I know you havent been getting much lately…but I didnt know you were so worried about it!

1. Act out your version of a company takeover.

2. Find a way to change everyones password to chrysanthemum.

3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.

4. Sneaking in the bosss desk could land you an unexpected promotion.

5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art.

6. Go into the other genders bathroom without fear of being caught.

7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.

8. Leave prank messages on the CEOs voice mail.

9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.

10. Elevator surfing!

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

– Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxiy

Lorena Bobbit for Surgeon General.

His mother replies, No you dont Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings.

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florists son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, I bet I know what it is – some flowers! Thats right! shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owners daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, I bet I know what it is – its a box of candy! Thats right! shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owners son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. Is it wine? she asked. No, the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. Is it champagne? she asked. No, the boy answered. What is it? she said. A puppy!