Old and New Jokes

And you tell me several men proposed marriage to you, said the husband. Yes, several, the wife replied.

Well I wish you had married the first fool who proposed. I did!

A boy was caught a watch from a shop. He was taken to a police station and put in a lock-up. A hardened criminal lodged there showed some sympathy and said, “You are wasting time on small items. Why don’t you rob a bank?”

The boy replied, “By the time I leave school, all banks are closed.”

Ways You Can Tell Your Pilot is on Drugs

10. All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares

9. In between May I and have your attention theres a 45 minute pause.

8. Hes constantly yelling, Take that, Red Baron!

7. Shuttle from New York to Boston includes stopover in Colombia

6. His co-pilot: Robert Downey Jr.

5. For the last hour, hes been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo cowboy.

4. Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers.

3. His wings are pinned to his bare chest

2. When you fly over international date line, he yells, Dude! Were, like, time traveling!

1. When he exhales, the oxygen masks drop

there are 3 people 1from china , 1 from america and 1 from india
and all three of them are trying to prove whos country was more scientifically developed.

(1)
The Chinese man takes the other two along with him to china and digs the ground 200 meteres he finds a phone cable and says >>my country had phones 200 years ago

(2)
The American man gets really frustrated and takes the other two to america, there he digs a hole 400 meteres deep and finds a telephone wire, he then says >we had phones 400 years ago.

(3)
The Indian then takes the other two to india and digs a hole 800 meteres deep but finds no wire at all he then says 800 years back we had mobile phones!!

War was on and the captain was attempting to rally the
GIs on the eve of a big offensive.

Out there, said the captain, is your enemy. The man
who has made your life miserable, who is working to
destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day
after day throughout this war.

Private Johnson jumped to his feet. My God; the cooks
working for the other side!

Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.

The landlord of a pub, is just locking up, when theres a ring on the doorbell.

He opens the door, and theres a snail sitting there. What do you want? asks the landlord.

The snail replies that he wants a drink.

Go away, were closed, and we dont serve snails anyway.

The snail pleads and pleads with the barman to give it a drink, at which the landlord gets fed up, kicks the snail and slams the door.

….. Exactly one year later, hes locking up again, and theres a ring at the doorbell. The landlord opens the door, and looks down to see a snail sitting there. What do you want says the landlord.

What did you do that for says the snail.

P: ¿Cuál es la diferencia entre la amante y la esposa?

R: 30 kilos

P: ¿Cuál es la diferencia entre el amante y el esposo?

R: 30 minutos.

P: ¿Qué es cuando un hombre le dice obscenidades a una mujer?

R: Acoso sexual.

P: ¿Qué es cuando una mujer le dice obscenidades a un hombre?

R: 01-801-TOMA-ME (sexo por teléfono).

P: ¿Cómo te das cuenta que tu esposa está muerta?

R: El sexo es el mismo, pero se empiezan a acumular los platos sucios en el fregadero.

P: ¿Cómo te das cuenta que tu esposo está muerto?

R: El sexo es el mismo, pero tú tienes el control remoto de la TV.

P: ¿Qué es cuando el hombre está paralizado de la cintura para abajo?

R: Invalidez.

P: ¿Qué es cuando la mujer está paralizada de la cintura para abajo?

R: Matrimonio.

P: ¿Conoces el castigo para la bigamia?

R: Tener dos suegras.

P: ¿Cuál es la diferencia entre un terrorista y una suegra?

R: Con el terrorista se puede negociar.

P: ¿Cuál es la diferencia entre una batería y una mujer?

R: La batería tiene al menos un lado positivo.

P: ¿Cuál es la diferencia entre el E.T. y un hombre?

R: E.T. por lo menos intentó llamar a su casa.

While we believe we will be fully Y2K compliant by January 1, 2000, and most of our subsidiary units and contractors claim they will also be fully compliant, we obviously need to make some preparations in case unexpected challenges impair our ability to meet the needs of our customers.



Enclosed with this memo is a Y2K Backup System device designed to meet short time emergency needs in case of a computer operations failure, or operational delay. This device is the companys Primary Emergency Network Computer Interface Liaison device (P.E.N.C.I.L.).



This device has been field tested extensively, including certification testing, as well as volume and stress testing. Properly maintained, the device meets all the requirements for coding and data input. Prior to use, the (P.E.N.C.I.L.) will require preparation and testing. Tools and supplies required will be: A sharpened knife or grinding device;and a supply of computer paper (with or without holes).



Gripping the device firmly in your hand, proceed to scrape or grind the wooded end until it has a cone-like appearance. The dark core area must be exposed to properly function. (Left-handed employees should read this sentence backwards, and then go to your supervisor for assistance.)



Place a single sheet of computer paper on a smooth, hard surface. Take the backup device, place the sharpened point against the paper, and pull it across the paper. If properly done, this will input a single line.



CAUTION: Excessive force may damage components of the device or damage the data reception device. If either the P.E.N.C.I.L. or the paper are damaged, go back to the preparation instructions above.



Proper use of the device will require data simulation input by the operator. Placing the device against the computer page forming symbols as closely resembling the computer lettering system you normally use. At the completion of each of the simulated letters, lift the device off the page, move it slightly to the right, replace it against the page, and form the next symbol. This may appear tedious, and somewhat redundant, but, with practice, you should be able to increase your speed and accuracy.



The P.E.N.C.I.L. is equipped with a manual deletion device. The device is located on the reverse end of the P.E.N.C.I.L. Error deletions operate similarly to the backspace key on your computer. Simply place the device against the erroneous data, and pull it backwards over the letters. This should remove the error, and enable you to resume data entries.



CAUTION: Excessive force may damage the data reception device.Insufficient force, however, may result in less than acceptable deletion, and may require re-initialization of action as above.



This device is designed with user maintenance in mind. However, if technical support is required, you can still call our local computer desk supervisor.

Womens English:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

Im sorry = Youll be sorry

We need = I want

Its your decision = The correct decision should be obvious

by now Do what you want = You will pay for this later

We need to talk = I want to complain

Sure, go ahead = I dont want you to

Im not upset = Of course Im upset, you moron!

Youre so manly = You sweat a lot and you need to shave

Your certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you think about?

Be romantic, turn off the lights = I dont want you to see my flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = And carpeting and furniture and wallpaper . . . .

Hang the picture there = NO! I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I am about to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today that you arent going to like

Ill be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me Im beautiful

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing really = Your such an ass hole



Mens English:

Im hungry = Im hungry

Im tired = Im tired

Do you want to go to a movie? = Id eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out for dinner? = Id eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = Id eventually like to have sex with you

May I have this dance? = Id eventually like to have sex with you

Nice dress = Nice cleavage

You look tense, let me give you a masssage = I want to fondle you

Whats wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

Im bored = Do you want to have sex tonight?

I love you = There I said it, Lets have sex now

I love you too = Now we have to have sex!

Lets talk = I am trying to prove to you that I am a deep person and maybe then youll have sex with me

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.