Old and New Jokes

Whats the deal with ejection seats on helicopters?

Q: Why do Polish dogs have flat noses?

A: From chasing parked cars.

(From: Greg Ryding)

Time: Early Sixties. Place: Yourtown, USA

A young unmarried couple decides after a few dates that
they are going to sleep together. So, the guy, Tom, goes to
the local pharmacy to buy some condoms.

Tom goes up to the pharmacy counter and asks the
pharmacist for some Trojans, (just like the kid in Summer of
42). The pharmacist looks at Tom disgustedly and says,
Whats wrong with you kids today, ya go on two dates and you
wanna go to bed with each other. Why cant ya save sex for
when ya get married. You should wait until youre married!
Sex before marriage is a sin ya know.

Well Tom calmed down the pharmacist and explained that
his generation was a little different. He said that he and
his girlfriend were just trying to act responsibly and take
precautions against pregnancy and disease. The pharmacist
conceded that times were changing and finally sold him the
condoms.

That same night Tom was invited over to his girlfriend
Kateys house for dinner with the family. When they all sat
down, Tom asked Kateys father if he could say grace. Her
father said yes and Tom proceeded to say a beautiful eleven
minute grace thanking everyone from the Pilgrims to the
President for the meal they were about to eat.

After dinner Katey took Tom aside and smiling, said,
Tom, you never told me you were so religious! Tom smiled
back and said, Well, Katey, you never told me your father was
a pharmacist.

My wife thinks Im too nosy. At least thats what she keeps writing in her diary!

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men can remember them. or So men can understand them.

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at
the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, Just
think, honey, weve been married for 50 years.

Yeah, she replied, Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together.

I know, the old man said, We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds
fifty years ago.

Well, Granny snickered, What do you say… should we get naked? Where upon
the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

You know, honey, the little old lady breathlessly replied, My nipples are as
hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.

I wouldnt be surprised, replied Gramps. Ones in your coffee and the other
is in your oatmeal!

You may have noticed that a new TV ad for Microsofts Internet Explorer e-mail program uses the musical theme of the Confutatis Maledictis from the Mozarts Requiem.

Where do you want to go today? is the cheery line on the screen.

Meanwhile, the chorus sings Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis, which means, The damned and accursed are convicted to flames of hell.

A bored housewife in suburbia is entertaining her lover in bed one day as, unknown to them, her nine-year-old son is taking it all in from her bedroom closet. As luck would have it, the husband arrives home unexpectedly from the office and the surprised wife shoves her lover into the closet.

Son says to lover, Sure is dark in here, isnt it?

After jumping out of his skin and crawling back in, the lover replied that it was.

Would you like to buy a flashlight? asks the boy. The lover said he didnt think so.

Sure would be bad if dad found out about this, observed the boy. The lover enquired as to how much the boy wanted for the flashlight and agreed to pay the $25.00 price.

Two weeks later, same housewife, same lover, same boy in the closet when husband again arrives home unexpectedly. Wife shoves lover into closet and son says, Sure is dark in here, isnt it? Would you like to buy a fishing rod?

The lover agrees to pay the $50. price for the boys fishing rod and his silence.

Weekend arrives and father asks son if he would like to go fishing. Son replies, Cant, dad; sold my fishing rod.

Dad says, That old thing? How much did you get for it?

When the son told him $50., dad proceeds to give him a stern lecture on morality and ethics and demands that he go to confession that very day.

The son goes into this big church, enters the confessional, and pulls the curtain closed. He says, Sure is dark in here, isnt it?

The priest replied, Oh no, were not going through that again!

See how many of these you hear this year!

Here are my FAVORITE top ten Christmas Quotations

My God, Aint Sally, dont use the BUTTER KNIFE to spread that oleo on your own damn bread!

Why is it that **MY** children always has to drink out of the jelly glasses?

Id just love for all yall to come to **MY** place next Christmas, but Im afraid there aint room for all of us in that little tiny trailer.

Well, I got it at Sears. If it dont fit, Im sure theyll be glad to swap it for you for a larger size. I just dint realize you waz wearing a ***24W*** already.

What the hell am I supposed to do with T*H*I*S? Didnt anybody git me any white socks?

I dont EVER put olives on MY deviled eggs. I just dont know why anybody would! Skeeters allergic to olives, aint you, Skeeter? Why, yes, you are so! You are, too, allergic to olives!

Who let that damn dog get into my box of chocolate-covered cherries? I was gonna drop them by WyeVonnes. Miz Marshall down at the mill give all us girls a box. WyeVonne wouldnt have never knowd where they come from. Now Im gonna haf to give her one of my boxes of dustin powder!

I see yall still are devotes of arboreal sacrifice. Weve had an artificial tree for YEARS!

Momma, whys Aint Bobbie making me eat off a plain plate? Yores has got a Christmas tree on it!

Yep, I been settin air for three hours an forty-two minutes, by my clock. An air he come! ARE YALL ALL LISTENIN TO THIS? I got him right tair in the cross hairs. I pull the trigger, and — S*P*L*A*T!!! Bye-bye, Bambi. … Pass me some more of that venison, R.J.

Revised, 1996. By Lee Bradley.

This text may be reproduced and distributed, without changes, at your pleasure, as long as this notice remains attached and intact.

Lee Bradley