Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
Someone in your family says "Cumn heer an lookit this afore I flush it."

Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those that werent expletives were, to say the least, rude.

Jimmy tried to change the birds attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music … anything he could think of.

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmys extended arm and said, Im sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior.

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the birds attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, May I ask what the chicken did?

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word tragedy.

"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesnt anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.

The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:

A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments,

See! That was more than 5 times a month!

The second bull is to be sold: Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.

Again the wife bugs her husband, Hey, thats some 10 times a month.

What do YOU say to that?!

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,

Thats once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, Sure, once a day!

But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!

Back in the time when the Samurai were important, there was a


powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai, so he sent out a declaration


throughout the land that he was searching for the best one. A year


passed, and only 3 people showed up for the trials:

….a Japanese Samurai

….a Chinese Samurai

….and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why


he should be the chief Samurai.

The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out flew a bumblebee.


Whoosh! went his razor sharp sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on


the ground in 2 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: This is impressive!

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai;


for him to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen.

The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box, and out buzzed a fly.


Whoosh, Whoosh! Went his great flashing sword, and the fly dropped


dead on the ground …..in four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed in awe: That is really VERY impressive!

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him also to


step forward and demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai.

The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a small


gnat. His lightning quick sword went Whooooosh! Whooooosh! Whoooosh! ….But


the tiny gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously very disappointed in this display, said: I


see you are not up to the task. The gnat is not dead?

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: Circumcision is not meant


to kill.

On their wedding night the new couple are just about to do the deed when the wife tells her new husband that she has a confession.

I lied when I told you I was a virgin. I have been with one other man she tells her new hubby.

The new husband asks if it was anyone he knows?.

The wife answers …well maybe!

Husband asks who it was.

The wife answers – it was Tiger Woods.

Since the only other person his new bride every slept with was the famous Tiger Woods, hes not at all upset and they get down to it and do the honeymoon thing. When finished, the husband gets out of bed and reaches for the telephone.

What are you doing? asked his bride.

Im calling for room service. After all that work Im hungry!

The wife says, Tiger wouldnt do that.

Really! Just what would TIGER do? says the husband.

Well we would do it again!

Ok says the husband and jumps into the bed.

This same thing happens two more times,after which the guy is pretty tired.

So he drags himself out of bed and gets to the telephone.

The wife says..youre not calling room service are you!!!!

NO, says the exhausted hubby!

Well who are you calling then, she asks.

Im calling Tiger Woods…

I want to see what par is for this hole!

A little girl four years old was alone in the nursery with the door closed and fastened when her little brother arrived and expressed a desire to come in.

The following was the dialogue:

I want to tum in, Sissy.

But you taint tum in, Tom.

But I wants to.

Well, Is in my night gown an nurse says little boys mustnt see little girls in their night gowns.

There was a period of silence during which the astonished little boy reflected on the mystery.

It was ended by Sissy calling out: You tan tum in now, Tom – I took it off.

Q: Why is masturbation better than having sex with a man?

You know who youre dealing with.
You dont have to wait till its hard again.
You know when youve had enough.
And you dont have to lie about how good it was.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Otis!
Otis who?
Otis a sin to tell a lie!

Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.

Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

Introduction to Parking.