Knock Knock
Whos there?
Bea!
Bea who?
Beatle Bailey!
05
Oct
05
Oct
Two old guys and a [ethnic] go hunting.The first night, one old man
comes back with a deer.
Howd ya get it? the [ethnic] asked.
Follow the tracks, follow the tracks-BOOM-got me a deer.
The second night, the other old man comes back to camp with two
deer.
Howd ya get em? the [ethnic] asked.
Follow the tracks, follow the tracks-BOOM-got me two deer.
On the third night, the [ethnic]s out until three in the morning.
He comes staggering into the camp all beat up, with torn clothes,
tons of bruises, and a lot of fractures.
What happened to you? asked one of the old men.
Follow the tracks, follow the tracks-BOOM-got hit by a train.
05
Oct
– Yo Mamas so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said Sorry, no professionals
– Yo Mamas so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, What a treasure! and her father said, Yeah! Lets go bury it!
– Yo Mamas so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
– Yo Mamas so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end.
– Yo Mamas so ugly, they didnt make a costume for her when she tried out for Star Wars.
– Yo Mamas so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say, Damn! Is it Halloween already?
– Yo Mamas so ugly, the govt. moved Halloween to her birthday.
– Yo Mamas so ugly, her mom had to feed her with a sling shot.
– Yo Mamas so ugly, she had to trick-or-treat over the phone.
– Yo Mamas so ugly, two guys broke into her apt., she yelled rape, they yelled NO!
– Yo mamas so ugly, shes like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run for the border.
– Yo mamas so ugly, it looks like her neck threw up.
– Yo mamas so ugly, rice crispies wont even talk to her.
– Yo mamas so ugly, she scares people even with the lights out.
– Yo mamas so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
– Yo mamas so ugly, when your dad wants to have sex in the car, he tells her to get out.
– Yo mamas so ugly, that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesnt have to kiss her goodbye.
– Yo mamas so ugly, I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said Thanks for bringing her back.
05
Oct
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast
infection.
He was 71.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.
Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California
Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled high with flours, as long time friend Aunt Jemima
delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as the man who never knew how much
he was kneaded.
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with
many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting most of
his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a
roll model for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife — they have two children and one in
the oven.
The funeral was held at 4:25 for about 20 minutes.
05
Oct
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say oh geez, better get cracking and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming Andre, Andre, Ive got the secret documents!!3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. 4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructors left nostril. 5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, Im so sure you can hear me thinking. Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 6. Bring cheerleaders. 7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, I dont understand any of this. Ive been to every lecture all semester long! Whats the deal? And who are you? Wheres the regular guy?8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level. 9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. 10. Bring pets. 11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say Theyve found me, I have to leave the country and run off. 12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out Merry Christmas. If youre really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent marke
05
Oct
In Northern Ireland, a Catholic priest is driving down the road when he slams into another car rounding a curve.
Out of it steps an Anglican Bishop. They apologize all over themselves and determine that neither is seriously hurt. Shaken, the priest goes back to his car and pulls a flask out of the glove compartment, offering it to the bishop.
I think I will, says the bishop, taking a swig. He offers it back, but the priest declines, saying, Ill think Ill wait until after the police get here.
05
Oct
A farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who insisted on a tour of the place after she arrived. When they were walking through the barn, the farmers mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stationed himself at the casket and greeted friends and family as they walked by. The pastor noticed that, whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head, Yes. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, No.
The pastor noticed this happened without fail, Yes to women, No to men. He asked the farmer after the service what that was all about.
The farmer replied, The women would say, What a terrible tragedy and I would nod my head and say, Yes, it is. The men would ask, Want to sell that mule?, and I would shake my head and say, Not on your life.
05
Oct
Two Dallas Cowboys were in a car. Who was driving? The cops.
05
Oct
A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asking for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants revealed the following low-lights:
1. … stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
2. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.
3. A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.
4. … asked to see interviewers resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
5. … announced she hadnt had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office – wiping the ketchup on her sleeve
6. Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
7. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.
8. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.
9 . At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through his briefcase, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.
10. … pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
11. Said he wasnt interested because the position paid too much.
12. While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.
13. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidates brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
14. A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: Which company? When do I start? Whats the salary? I said, I assume youre not interested in conducting the interview any further. He promptly responded, I am as long as youll pay me more. I didnt hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.
15. His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.
16. Candidate said he really didnt want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.
17. … asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.
18. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.
05
Oct
Tyrannosaurus hex