There was a momma tomato, a papa tomato and a baby tomato. They were walking in the park, and baby tomato started falling behind. So papa tomato walked to beby tomato and BAM!!! KETCHUP!!! (CATCH UP!!!)
12
Jul
11
Jul
Q: How many rec.humour posters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 31. One to change the lightbulb and thirty to flame them for picking the wrong wattage. No, better make that 32 … Captain Nitpick will want to point out that the newsgroup is rec.humor (US spelling) *not* rec.humour.
11
Jul
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys.
The father replied, Sure, do that before I kill them!
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind.
For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, Where is God?
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, Where is God?
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boys nose, and asked, Where is God?
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.
He finally said, We are in BIG trouble!
The older boy asked, What do you mean, BIG trouble?
His brother replied, God is missing and they think we did it.
11
Jul
Érase una pareja que no podÃa tener relaciones sexuales porque siempre los miraban los padres de la novia cuando estaban en la sala. Entonces, idearon un sistema para comunicarse con otros términos para poder hablar tranquilos y hacer sus peticiones. Un dÃa, el novio le dice a la novia:
Ocupo que me hagás un favor: que me prestés la máquina de escribir para hacer una carta.
No puedo, está mala. Está con tinta roja, responde la chica.
Y pasaron los dÃas, y ella le dice:
Ya te puedo prestar la máquina de escribir, ya está buena.
Gracias, mi amor, ya la hice a mano, responde el chico.
11
Jul
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, Give me six double vodkas.
The barman says Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.
Yes, Ive just found out my older brother is gay.
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, Ive just found out that my younger brother is gay too!
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said Jesus! Doesnt anybody in your family like women?
Yeah, my wife…
11
Jul
Hickory Dickory Dock, An elephant ran up the clock, The clock is being repaired.
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesnt look like an elephant.
Dont call an elephant, he may come!
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. Damn, says the ant, one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!
Tourist guide at zoo: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please dont stand near the elephants backside…. Madam, PLEASE dont stand near the elephants backside … MADAM … MADAM …, too late; George, dig her out.
Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants. Its done on a very high level. Theres a lot of stomping and screaming involved. And it takes two years to get any results.
It says in a book that more than 6000 elephants go each year to make piano keys! Isnt it amazing what elephants can be trained to do!?
11
Jul
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. — John Lyly
11
Jul
How do you make Polish sausage?
Use retarded pigs
11
Jul
One day a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead went on a camping trip. The first night out, the redhead went hunting, and came back in the morning with a huge deer. The blonde asked, How did you kill that deer?
The redhead said, Well, I followed the tracks of the deer and shot it.
The second night, the brunnete went hunting and came back in the morning with a big deer. The blonde once again asked, How did you kill that deer?
The brunnette said, I just followed the tracks and shot it.
The third night, the blonde went out hunting, and came back in the morning with a ripped shirt, bloody nose, and her hair all messed up. The redhead and the brunnette asked her what happened, and the blonde said, I followed the tracks but then the train hit me.
11
Jul
One sunny afternoon, three men go for a ride on a hot air balloon over the Sahara desert. An hour into the trip, the balloon begins to lose altitude. A month later, someone finds one of the ballooners laying on the desert sand dead, naked, and holding half a toothpick. What happened to him?
Answer: As the balloon lost altitude, the men took of their clothes and threw them overboard to decrease the weight of the balloon. The balloon continued to drop so the men drew straws to see who would be forced to jump. The dead man in the desert drew the shortest one (the half toothpick).