Old and New Jokes

A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.

Cop: Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway — why are you going so slow?

Sister: Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.

Cop: Oh sister, thats not the speed limit, thats the name of the highway youre on!

Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. Ill be more careful.

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: Excuse me, Sister, whats wrong with your friends back there? Theyre shaking something terrible.

Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.

The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.

A: Chickens day off.

There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins.

Catholics believe that life begins at conception.

Some religions believe that life begins at birth.

In the Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered a viable human being
until after graduation from medical school

Whyd the skeleton cross the road?

To go to the body shop.

SWM in dead-end job seeks dumpy neurotic for mutual psychological torture, tepid sex, and co-dependency.

I enjoy drinking, smoking, pornography, and self-righteous indignation.

I cant stand movies, and the last album I bought was The Marshall Tucker Bands Greatest Hits.

I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, memorizing useless facts, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes.

Im 32 but look 40 and feel 60.

You are a whiny, bitter shrew with a misplaced sense of entitlement and unrealistic expectations. In time you will become coolly hostile when I dont fulfill every unmet need youve ever had.

Bonus points if you just finished screwing every guy in town and but now want to take it slow with me.

My perfect night would include getting hammered in a shit-hole bar while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by an embarrassing screaming match.

I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that leaves me filled with regret and dread but prefer a long-term, soul crushing descent into booze and pills.

No friendships. I dont need any goddamn friends.

Age unimportant, but I will condescend to women under 30 and rehash mother issues with women over 40.

Serious replies only, please.

A RABBI AND A PRIEST GET TO A HOTEL AT THE SAME TIME.THERE IS ONLY ONE ROOM AVAILABLE SO THEY DECIDE TO SHARE THE ROOM .THE RABBI CHOOSES A BED,SAYS KRYIAT SHEMAH AND GOES TO SLEEP.THE PRIEST SAYS I SLEEP WITH JOHN AND MARY AND ALL THE SAINTS AND GOES TO SLEEP.IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT THE PRIEST FALLS OFF HIS BED.THE NEXT MORNING THE PRIEST ASKS THE RABBI HOW DID YOU KNOW WHAT BED TO PICK?THE RABBI ANSWERS THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR BED MY FRIEND, YOU JUST SLEEPING WITH TOO MANY PEOPLE.

You cant stop dreaming in { French }. (Enter dreaded subject here {X})
Your roomate is wearing tights and a viking helmet and storming the TV Room.
The corner drug store has substituted condoms with No-Doz on Shelf #1.
You finally started to understand your Engineering Profs accent.
Your walkman batteries are dead.
Your hair is clenched.
Your dorm gives a class called Caffine: Friend or Foe? 8) You find the ID you lost in October.
Philosophy makes perfect sense.
You consider using physics and trig to improve sex.
All the numbers are worn off your calculator buttons.
You fall asleep standing up … realize youre falling … and calculate your:

a) angular velosity

b) estimated time of impact

c) Force (in Newtons) exerted on your skull at impact

d) Relativistic (according to Einstien) velosity with respect to the speed of light.
Cops start charging students with Driving while Brain-Dead
You wear sox on your hands so you can consult with Lambchop & Floppsie during conversations.
You unconciously mutter I got Wapner at 4 … definitely

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax – OH MY GOD!

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said,

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!

A passenger in Coach piped up, Thats nothing… You should see the back of mine!

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.

I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara, exclaimed the Muslim. Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Koran by memory.

One day while fishing, started the Christian, I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him.

One day I was walking down the road, explained the Jew, I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in Jehova, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 metres all around me, it was Tuesday…