Old and New Jokes

How to say…..I Love You
in Different Languages

English………I Love You
Spanish……..Te Amo
French………Je Taime
German……..Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese……Ai Shite Imasu
Italian………..Ti Amo
Chinese……..Wo Ai Ni
Swedish…….Jag Alskar Dig
Eskimo………Nagligivaget
Greek………..SAgapo
Hawaiian…….Aloha Wau la Oe
Irish………….Thaim In Grabh Leat
Hebrew………Ani Ohev Otakh
Russian……..Ya Lyublyu Tyebya
Albanian…….Une Te Dua
Finnish………Mina Rakkastan Sinua
Turkish………Seni Seviyorum
Hungarian….Se Ret Lay
Persian……..Du Stet Daram
Maltese……..ien Inhobbok
Catalan……..Testimo Molt

Redneck ……Nice Tits

De 8 años la llevas a la cama y le cuentas un cuento.

De 18 años le cuentas un cuento y te la llevas a la cama.

De 28 años no necesitas contarle ningún cuento para llevártela a la cama.

De 38 años ella te cuenta un cuento y te lleva a la cama.

De 48 años le cuentas un cuento para evitar ir a la cama.

De 58 años ella te dice: Tú en la cama ya eres puro cuento.

De 68 años eres tú quien no quiere saber nada de cuentos ni de camas.

De 88 años apenas ven la cama pero no se acuerdan como era el cuento.

Old, I told her to act her own age, and she died.



poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked

her what she was doing, she said Moving.



nasty, her hairy armpits look like shes got

Buckwheat in a headlock.



ugly, when she puts her face next to the bowl trying to

hear snap-crackle-pop, all she heard was ARGHHHHHHHH!!!

Lets get the hell outta here.



old, she co-wrote one of the ten commandments.



poor, they put her picture on food stamps.



old, she owes Jesus Christ a quarter.



old, her social security number is 1.



poor, she cant even pay attention.



poor, she went to Kentucky Fried Chicken and

licked everyone elses fingers.



old, she knew Burger King When he was a prince.



old, shes got Jesus beeper number.



glasses are so thick, when she looks at a map,

she can see people waving at her



ugly, cockroaches go like this HI! MOM



poor, when she heard about Last Supper, she

thought she ran out of food stamps



old, she planted the first tree at Central Park



old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp



ugly, that your father takes her to work with him so

that he doesnt have to kiss her goodbye.



old, that when she was in school there was no history class.



old, she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.



old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper.



poor, when I ring the doorbell she says,DING!



poor, she ate cereal with a fork to save milk.



hairy, Bigfoot took a picture of her!



skinny, she turned sideways and dissapeared.



poor, she went to McDonalds and had to put

her french fries on lay-a-way.



old, she knew Captain Crunch when he was a private



nearsighted, she can see the future



old, her birth certificate says Expired on it.



old, she was Bob Doles baby sitter.

Knock Knock!

Whos there?



Someone who cant reach the doorbell

To err is human. To blame it on someone else is politics.

For Catholics, death is a promotion.

What did one Lesbian Frog say to the other?

Gee, we really do taste like chicken.

You might be a redneck if…
The primary color of your car is "bondo".

Thought Id pass along a grant proposal for important research. The following letter was received by the head meteorologist at the Miami, FL weather service office.

Dear Sir:

Last night, my 7 year-old son saw the movie Twister. He has abandoned his dreams of being a train engineer and wants to be a meteorologist. Needless to say he was determined to make an even better tornado studying machine. He wanted to empty his bank account to get a tornado sniffing dog.

I told him that the U.S. Government funded scientific research, and suggested he write for a grant. I thought you may enjoy his efforts, and I know that we would appreciate some kind of reply to his Grant Request.

Thank you for your time.

Dear Sirs:

I want to make an experiment to study tornadoes from the inside. I need a lot of money, so I am asking you for a Grant.

I will need these things:

1 helicopter
5 gallons of gas for the helicopter
5 pilots for the helicopter
1 stewardess to serve cokes
1 dog with a good sense of smell (not too big)
1 crash helmet for the dog
100 cameras
100 empty cans of coke (cut into little wings with a hole in the middle)
10 video cameras
1 Doppler radar
1 truck
1 camper lunch
2 computers (1 with pictures)
100 metal boxes for cameras (with a hole so the camera can see outside)
100 parachutes for the cameras
1 vacation for my family to Oklahoma and Kansas so we can find tornadoes

I think this will probably cost around $5000, so send me the money as soon as you can, so I can find a dog with a good sense of smell to sniff the tornadoes. I promised an old lady that we would bring her a video of the inside of a tornado, so I really need to get started.

Thank you,

Chaille

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their teams bench… After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. Oh, I really liked it, she replied, especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldnt understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.Dumbfounded, her date asked, What do you mean? Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!Hel-LLLO! Its only 25 cents!