A preposition is a bad thing to end a sentence with.

And a conjunction is a bad thing to begin a sentence with.

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says brains for sale. He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.’
So he asks the man behind the cashregister, “how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyers worth 90.00?”
The man replies, “do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?”

So theres this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I
mean hes a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating
himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and
this birds foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat,
shakes him really hard, and yells, QUIT IT! But this just makes the bird mad
and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, OK for you. and locks the bird in a kitchen
cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy
finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that
would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws
and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be
hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, hes so worried that he opens up
the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the mans out-stretched arm and says, Awfully
sorry about the trouble I gave you. Ill do my best to
improve my vocabulary from now on.

The man is astounded. He cant understand the transformation that has come
over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, By the way, what did the chicken do?

Two blondes are shopping at the mall. When they are done they go out to their car, which happens to be an awesome leather interior convertible. When they get to the car, they realize they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stand there and think for a while. Then one has the idea to try to open the car with a hanger. So the first blonde starts fiddling with the lock with the hanger. The other blonde looks up at the sky and suddenly becomes very worried.HURRY, HURRY," she urges. "ITS GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!

From the November Contemporary Comedy

Ive got the Jimmy Carter Flu. Every time you think its gone for good it pops up again.

Carter and Clinton are living proof that it takes two Democrats to screw up as much as one Republican.

Lets face it, health care is dead – and so are the people who dont have it.

Congressmen who werent reelected are leaving office with huge pensions. Thats why we cant take it us – theyre taking it with them.

Nike Condoms: Just do it.Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you cant stop.Mentos Condoms: The freshmakerFlintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten millon strong and growing.Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman.Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.Ford Condoms: The best never rest.Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.Dial Condoms: Arent you glad you use it? Dont you wish everybody did?New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey– you never know.California Lotto Condoms: Whos next?Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.Lays Condoms: Betcha cant have just one.Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.The Carls Jr. Condom: If it doesnt get all over the place, it doesnt belong in your face…General Electric: We bring good things to life!AT&T condom: Reach out and touch someone.Bounty: The quicker picker upper.Microsoft: Where do you want to go today ?Energizer: It keeps going and going and going….M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!Chevron: Use them? people do.Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border.MCI: for friends and family Double Mint:Double your pleasure, double your fun!The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winterDelta Airlines travel pack: Deltas ready when you areUnited Airlines travel pack: Fly UnitedThe Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Jew, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and asks, Is this some kind of joke?

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene…

An engineering student was walking on campus one day when another engineering student rode up on a shiny new bicycle.

Where did you get such a nice bike? asked the first.

The second engineer replied Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said Take what you want!

The second engineer nodded approvingly, Good choice, the clothes probably wouldnt have fit.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and Im not sure about the universe. — Albert Einstein

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with
Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October
1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval
operations, 10-10-95.CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to
avoid a collision.AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
north to avoid a collision.CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the south to avoid a collision.AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second
largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are
accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous
support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees
north. I say again, thats one-five degrees north, or
counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this
ship.CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.