Old and New Jokes

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver Whats that building there? Thats the Royal York Hotel replied the cabbie. The Royal York? How long did it take to build that? asked the Texan. About 12 years replied the cabbie.12 years? We build em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months. A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. Whats that building over there? asked the Texan. Thats the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre replied the cabbie. Convention Centre? How longd it take to build that? asked the Texan. About three years replied the cabbie. Three years? We build em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks. Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. Whats that building there? asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. Danged if I know replied the cabbie, It wasnt here when I drove by yesterday.

/* GCFL wishes all our readers a Merry Christmas! */

When I was a child of about twelve years old, we had a Christmas that I have never forgotten. We grew up in humble means to say the least, but we generally always had one or two gifts under the tree even if they were only socks and underwear.

During this particular Christmas, by good fortune we had many gifts. For the first time in a long time, we received a lot of the things we actually wanted. I was one of seven children, so this was a very big deal. We were all so excited and could hardly wait until Christmas morning.

However, on that Christmas Eve, after careful reflection and much heated discussion, my father decided that it was much too much, and that in this frenzy that we had lost the true meaning of Christmas.

With much trepidation, we were instructed to hand over all but one of our unopened gifts. There was some crying, some anger, some shock and disbelief. What happened next truly astounded us. My father loaded all those gifts into his truck and we all piled in. We went from house to house in our community and handed out our things. Some of the families we knew, some we didnt. All were as poor as we were. Some had no gifts except for ours. As that truck rounded corner after corner, slowly, very slowly, the anger left. The shock and disbelief vanished and were replaced with a different sort of emotion. We all started to feel a overwhelming sense of joy in this service. The mark that this experience left on our lives has changed the way we look at Christmas forever.

Never before had I grasped what Christmas was truly about. It is about unselfish giving. Not of toys or gifts, but giving of ourselves. It was of Christ who would gave the ultimate gift of eternal life.

That experience taught us that at the celebration of his birth, our giving should reflect his ultimate sacrifice. He gave the whole of his life in our service and for our sake showing us His love. Hence the best gift we can give to others at Christmas is our time, sharing our talents, and genuine love, as acts of kindness.

Received from Dr. Scott Brooksby.

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

A gorilla was walking thru a jungle when he came across a deer eating grasses in a clearing. The gorilla roared, Whos the king of the jungle?, and the deer replied, Oh, you are, Master.

The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. Again, he roared,Whos the king of the jungle?, of course, the zebra replied, You are, master.

The gorilla walked of pleased. Then he came across an elephant. Whos the king of the jungle?, he roared again, at the elephant. With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him.

The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, Ok, ok, theres no need to get mad just because you dont know the answer!

The following would fit very nicely into the fortune program:

Well, Brahma said, even after ten thousand explanations,
a fool is no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only
two thousand five hundred.

-The Mahabharata.

Craig Werner (MD/PhD 91)

From The Guardian newspaper, diary section, 11th October.
(Diarist Andrew Moncur)

Please suspend incredulity at this point. I am merely seeking
further particulars about an absent-minded biologist named Ralph.
He is alleged to have been doing some research on sperm whales.
This involved borrowing a whales 9 foot long penis (preserved)
from the Natural History Museum. It is further alleged that he
took this item, suitably packaged, off home on the bus. When he
arrive he, of course, discovered that he had left it on the bus.
Forgetful, you see. So he had to go round to the lost property
office and ask the attendant whether, please, he had a 9 ft penis.
AND HE HAD. Can anybody fill in the details? On second thoughts
I really think Id sooner not know.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horses mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground,she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Un hombre llega a su casa borracho a las 6 de la mañana. Le dice su esposa:

¿Pero qué horas son éstas de llegar?

¿Qué hace este hombre contigo en mi cama?

¡No me cambies la conversación, no me cambies la conversación!

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.

After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.



America, the husband replied.



Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. Shes not from the States.



Yes I am. said the wife.



He looked at her and asked, Is he your husband?



Yes. she replied.



Turning to the husband, he offered…. Ill give you 100 camels for her. The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, shes not for sale.



After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.