Old and New Jokes

What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common?

They both heard a giant sucking sound!

A woman comes to a gynecologist for a checkup. She seems to be very embarrassed and uncomfortable.

Havent you been examined like this before? asks the doctor.

Many times, she giggles, but never by doctor!

You might be a redneck if…
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Caer-Philly

It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.

When it was time for cross-examination though, the husbands lawyer arose and said, Isnt it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?

She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.

Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, What was that date again ?

10. I need to whip it out by 5!
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before I leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, Ill gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. HMMMMMMMMMMMMM … I think its out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. Its an entry-level position.
2. When do you think youll be getting off today?

   AND NUMBER 1

1. Its not fair … I do all the work while he just sits there.

She told me, a women complained to a friend, that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her.

Well, replied her friend in a hurt tone, I told her not to tell you I told her.

Oh dear! sighed the first women. Well, dont tell her I told you that she told me.

You have sworn on your mothers grave while she is standing beside you.

You refer to your cousin as my girlfriend.

You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. Of course, my son, said the priest.

Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.



Thats a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess, said the priest.



Its worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors, continued the old man.



Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly, said the priest.



Thanks, Father, said the old man.; Thats a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?



Of course, my son, said the priest. The old man asked, Do I need to tell her that the war is over?

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean…)



10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in Deliverance.)



9. Theres a slight difference in our ages. (I dont want to do my Dad.)



8. Im not attracted to you in that way. (You are the ugliest dork Ive ever laid eyes upon.)



7. My life is too complicated right now. (I dont want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys Im seeing.)



6. Ive got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerrys.)



5. I dont date men where I work. (I wouldnt date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)



4. Its not you, its me. (Its you.)



3. Im concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)



2. Im celibate. (Ive sworn off only the men like you.)



1. Lets be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. Its that male perspective thing.)



Now the male perspective on the same issue:



Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean…)



10. I think of you as a sister. (Youre ugly.)



9. Theres a slight difference in our ages. (Youre ugly.)



8. Im not attracted to you in that way. (Youre ugly.)



7. My life is too complicated right now. (Youre ugly.)



6. Ive got a girlfriend. (Youre ugly.)



5. I dont date women where I work. (Youre ugly.)



4. Its not you, its me. (Youre ugly.)



3. Im concentrating on my career. (Youre ugly.)



2. Im celibate. (Youre ugly.)



1. Lets be friends. (Youre sinfully ugly.)