Old and New Jokes

Two blondes walk into a bar, but the redhead ducked.

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part but then remembers how bad his grandmothers eyesight is and hopes she wont notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style… it makes your nose look too long.

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, Got any grapes?
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesnt serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, Got any grapes?

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, Got any nails?

Confused, the bartenders says no.

Good! says the duck. Got any grapes?

There was a long line of souls before the gate of Heaven and Hell. Waiting on line beside each other were two residents of New York City, a taxi driver and a priest and they started chatting to kill the time. Finally, it was the taxi drivers turn to be judged; after talking with God for a few minutes, he was allowed to enter heaven. The priest came after him and had his few minutes with God. He, however, was sent to hell.Needless to say, the priest was pretty surprised by this turn of events and asked God why he, who had constantly talked to people about God, had been sent to hell and a taxi driver was going to heaven. God replied, " We judge whether one goers to heaven not by the words he has said but the deeds he has done on the earth. While you talked about God, people slept, but they all remembered me when he drove."

Jesus recently walked into a bar somewhere in the Western World. He
approached three sad-faced gentlemen at a table, and greeted the first one:
Whats troubling you, brother? he said.

My eyes. I keep getting stronger and stronger glasses, and I still cant
see.

Jesus touched the man, who ran outside to tell the world about his now 20-20
vision.

The next gentleman couldnt hear Jesus questions, so The Lord just touched
his ears, restoring his hearing to perfection. This man, too, ran out the
door, probably on his way to the audiologist to get a hearing-aid refund.

The third man leapt from his chair and backed up against the wall, even
before Jesus could greet him.

Dont you come near me, man! Dont touch me! he screamed. Im on
disability!

A Jewish young man is in love with a native American Indian named Rising Lilly. The only problem is, he has been afraid to tell his parents that she isnt Jewish as he knows they wont approve.

He finally gets the courage to invite her over his parents house for dinner. He tells his parents, my girlfriend is coming for dinner. I love her and I think I want to marry her. I hope you will like her.

When Rising Lilly arrives, his mother says to her, come into the kitchen with me and help me prepare dinner. So she goes. Meanwhile, the man is very nervous and is pacing back and forth hoping that his mother will like her.

When Rising Lilly comes out of the kitchen, he says to her, so what happened? did she like you? And she replies, yes very much so. She was even talking about taking up an Indian name. An Indian name?? What are you talking about?? And she replies, well your mother said something about next week shes going to be Sitting Shiva.

En la ciudad de México abrieron un restaurant con un letrero que decía: Comidas exóticas, si no encuentra lo que usted pide le regalamos un millón de pesos.

Un muchacho ve el letrero y se anima a entrar. Llama al mesero y le dice, Mesero, tráigame por favor unas hormiguitas negras rellenas de nalga de hipopótamo!

Y el mesero contesta, ¡Sí, cómo no!

A los 5 minutos se las traen. Al día siguiente vuelve a pasar y dice, Ora sí me la van a pelar! Llama al mesero y le dice, Quiero un caldo de cuerno de rinoceronte joto.

Y el mesero le contesta otra vez con tonito mamón ¡Sí como no SEÑOR!

Y a los 5 minutos, ¡le traen su caldo con todo y moñito para que creyeran que era puto!

Vuelve a pasar por ahí y dice ¡Vas a ver que lo que te voy a pedir hoy no lo van a tener! ¡TRAEME UNOS SANDWICHES BIEN TOSTADOS DE CHICHIS DE SIRENA LACTANDO!

Y el mesero, pensando y sudando le responde Permítame tantito, señor (Ahora sin el tono mamón). Se tarda el mesero 5, 10, 15, 20, 25,30 minutos… y llega con el millón de pesos del cliente diciéndole: Lo siento, señor, pero no tenemos su orden, ¡Acaba de ganar usted un millón de pesos!

El cliente burlándose le dice: ¡Ya ve, ya ve, no tenían chichis de sirena!

Y el mesero contesta encabronado y cagándose del coraje: ¡no señor, es que se nos acabó el pinche pan Bimbo!

A priest and a nun were traveling through the desert when there camel died
suddenly.

Alone and in the middle of nowhere they decided to sit and wait
for help to come.

During the night they talked about stories of there life
and what they had and hadnt done with their life. It is then that the
preist asks the nun if she has ever had sex the nun replies no. So the
preist brings up the suggestion that since they are alone and in the middle
of nowhere and could possibly die that perhaps they should try it.

Upon
agreement the Priest flops out his pecker and says to the nun This is the
staff of life, it brings life to the dead.

In response the nun
replies, good go screw that dead camel so we can get the hell out of here.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

The Pentagon recently discovered it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the generals body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a cheque for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles.

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two generals had received.

The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine but that hed better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the generals penis and began to work back.

My God! he said. Where are your testicles?

The general smiled and replied, In Vietnam.