Old and New Jokes

A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

A attractive brunette is is driving on a very narrow road in the country when she sees a flock of sheep blocking the middle of the road. She stops the car, gets out, and tries to shoo them out of the way. After nearly fifteen minutes of this, the sheep still show no signs that they intend to leave, so she gets out and goes to the nearby house, knocks on the door, and says to the farmer, Hey! Get your sheep off the road or Ill.. Ill… Ill sue you. Yeah, thats it. Ill sue you!

After thinking about it for a moment, she continued, You know what? If you let me have one of the sheep, I wont sue you.

Fine by me, said the farmer.

The brunette picks up a sheep and then the farmer says, Look at you, all fancy from the city. You probably carry a fancy cell phone. You probably drink bottled water… Your boobs are probably even fake. In fact, Ill bet that you dont even have your original hair color. Hows this – If I guess it right, can I have my sheep back?

Fine by me, said the brunette.

Blonde, said the farmer, without hesitation.

The lady was shocked. Oh my god… Youre right! How did you know? she asked.

Because you tried to pick up my dog instead of a sheep.

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war – haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

This man shows up at his doctors office to get patched up. He has obviously been severely beaten about the head and shoulders. His doctor tapes him up and asks him, What in the hell happened to you?

You wont believe this doc, it happened in church.

In church? How?

The minister told us all to stand and sing hymn 317. When we stood up, I noticed the woman standing in front of me had her dress pushed up her butt. So I reached forward and pulled it out. She beat the crap out of me with her umbrella.

Several weeks later, the man shows up at his doctor, all beaten up again. Again the doctor patches him up and asks him about what happened.

It happened in the same church.

Again?

Yes. The minister told us to all stand and sing hymn 317. When we stood up, the same woman was in front of me, with her dress up her butt. The woman standing next to her noticed that and pulled it out. I knew she didnt like that, so I reached forward and pushed it back in.

Poll Results
Foreign Body Relations Sub-Committee
Stain of the Union on Dress
Executive Dribblage
One Less Stanford Tuition
That About Which Hillary Was Not Consulted
Friendly Fire
The Interns Nametag
Heir Force One
Results of Post-Erection Euphoria
Troop Pullout Lateral Casualties
Billy Jack
Leak from the White House Staff
Citizen Stain

A tourist in a strange town notices that her watch is broken. She starts
looking for a repair shop. After a long and frustrating search she
finds herself in an area where many shop signs are in Hebrew. Finally,
she notices that one of the stores has all kinds of clocks and watches
ticking merrily in the window. She walks into the shop and puts her watch
on the counter in front of the proprietor.

Tourist: Would you please repair this watch.

Proprietor: Madam, I cannot repair your watch.

T: But why not? It is an ordinary model.

P: Madam, I do not repair watches. I am a moel, I perform circumcisions.

T (irritated): Then why on earth do you have all these clocks in your window?

P: Well, and what should I have in my window?

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a computer?

A: You only have to punch information into a computer once!

Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here!

En una esquina, donde se encuentran homosexuales vendiendo placer, llega un hombre en un automóvil muy elegante. De pronto, éste se baja bruscamente del automóvil con un rifle y le ordena a un puto:

¡Contra la pared! ¡Date vuelta! ¡Bájate los pantalones y no te muevas!

Asustado, el marica le suplica al hombre:

¡Por favor, puede hacer lo que quiera pero no me mate!

Sin contemplación, el tipo lo viola. Después de terminar le indica:

Toma, aquí están tus 100 dólares. Te los ganaste.

Desconcertado, el maricón le asegura:

¡Pero no había necesidad del arma, amor!

¡Sí había necesidad, por que a mí me gusta con el culo apretadito!